I Hope It's Not Fatal (Followup)

Evil

I went to see the cute dermotologist for a followup today. She got my results back from the lab. Turns out to just be some skin irritation. (REALLY?!)

It Seemed Like Only Yesterday

Evil



I'm watching "I Love The 80's - 1986 Edition" on VH1. The Three Amigos came out in 1986? That was 20 years ago? You know what's really shocking? The fact that Steve Martin still looks the same. He hasn't aged in 20 years. (But then again, in 1986, he already looked like he was 75 years old.)

I Hope It's Not Fatal

Evil

I've come down with this weird rash around my left collarbone area. I first got it a couple of weeks ago and it hasn't gone away (but it hasn't spread elsewhere either). So I went to see a dermotologist today. The first thing I notice about the demotologist... she's cute! The second thing I notice... whoa, she's young. She looks like she's 26. But she's Asian, so maybe she just looks young by virtue of having good skin (from BOTH being Asian and being a dermotologist. Double bonus!) Anyway, while I was there, she takes various swabs and various scrapes from my rash. She looks at the stuff under a microscope. Her final verdict? And this is a direct quote: "Wow, I have no idea what this is!" Great. I just hope it's not fatal.

What's Your Poison?

Blog Addiction Hurting Worker Productivity

We know how much time we spend reading blogs at work--and we'd probably spend even more if our firewall didn't block half of them. According to a recent study by Ad Age, we aren't alone:
About 35 million workers -- one in four people in the labor force -- visit blogs and on average spend 3.5 hours, or 9%, of the work week engaged with them, according to Advertising Age’s analysis. Time spent in the office on non-work blogs this year will take up the equivalent of 2.3 million jobs. Forget lunch breaks -- blog readers essentially take a daily 40-minute blog break.

Of late mine is: TMZ, Brownstoner, Curbed, The Real Deal, and a competing Blogspot.

Manolo Gets An Email

I received the following email at 10:37 PM on Saturday evening:

From: [Balls Mahoney]
To: [Mrs. Balls, Manolo, Evil Twin #1, “Chris”, The W Train]
Cc: [Evil Twin #2]

Hey, you cats remember the whitewater rafting trip and the car trip discussion about 'guilty pleasure' movies?IRON EAGLE!!Yeah, baby - it's on right now!!! (And just as cheesy as ever)

The first thing I wonder is why Balls is at home on a Saturday evening sending emails instead of having crazy wild sex with Mrs. Balls.

The second thing I wonder is why he is choosing to watch “Iron Eagle” instead of “Red Dawn” which was playing on TV as well…

Does anyone remember Red Dawn?

That’s a GREAT guilty pleasure movie. Action packed military fantasy with a bunch of teenage militia hiding out in the Colorado Rockies striking back against invading Russian troops occupying the Western USA. I won’t even mention Patrick Swayze or that it was Charlie Sheen’s first film. Go Wolverines!!!

All I know is that Balls has his priorities all screwed up…his only saving grace is that at least it wasn’t “The Man from Snowy River” or “Ladyhawke."

Victory! (redux)

Evil



After winning the British Open, Tiger 'roid raged. After winning the PGA Championship earlier today, Tiger 'roid raged again (above). Someone take a urine sample!

Who Moved My Cheese?

KenTak3, Bruno, and I decided to hang in last night, for a calm, disruption-free, Saturday evening. While we were all quietly enjoying our lovely lettuce, chicken, and Thai peanut salad from Fairway and watching Lifetime movie with Patrick McDermott (Dr. McDreamy) and Kimberly Williams-Paisley (former sorority sister and bride of "Father of the Bride"), KenTak3 spots little brown mouse dashing along the kitchen wall into the bathroom. Below are subsequent events over the next few hours...

9:08 PM
KenTak3: "I'll keep an eye on the mouse and you go get sticky traps at the deli."
Mamacita: "Ok. What are you going to do if he runs by?" ...but really thinking "How brilliant, KenTak3, you are to observe mouse running through apartment while I venture out in the hood buying useless sticky traps."

9:15 PM
Mamacita (arriving back to apartment, with sticky traps in hand): "What is mouse doing now?"
KenTak3 (reading Golf Digest): "Hiding in the corner of the bathroom."
Mamacita: "Let's take out all toiletries to get ready for bed, brush teeth in kitchen sink, put sticky traps in bathroom with cheese on them, and barracade bathroom door with textbooks."
KenTak3: "You are always so genious, Mamacita."

6:02 AM (waking early for Sunday golf outing in NJ)
KenTak3 (after investigating bathroom): "Mouse is still in the corner."
Mamacita: "Unfortunately, looks like we need to cancel golf outing to deal with mouse. Let's line the exit to the bathroom door with all 10 sticky traps so mouse has nowhere to exit.
KenTak3: "Ok. You are always so genious, Mamacita."

6:15 AM - 6:28 AM
Mamacita: "There he goes, there he goes!! ... Get him!! ... Die, you nasty !^&%$#*, die!!"

...Wrestling ensues between KenTak3 and mouse...

6:34 AM
Kentak3 exits apartment to dispose of mouse sandwiched between 2 sticky traps in Fairway plastic shopping bags.
Mamcita: "You're my hero, Kentak3."

Go Papi! Go!

My grandfather, not only can he outdance me, but he can also kick my ass and probably beat me in a foot race...

Bump put it well "I don't need him around making me feel bad about myself"

The woman is Dr. Jay's lovely new bride. She is posing as though she misjudged the surface temperature of something she reached for. Yes that's right, she's droppin it like its hot

That Bald guy

For those people into this you should check out Tony Kornheisher on the Washington Post. In addition to being Michael Wilbon's "hetero life mate" he is also the new third man in the monday night football booth. He is having a good time keeping a journal...

For those of you not into this stuff you should go back to spanking it

Asshole Move? Or OK?

Evil

I used to work at a company that makes technology to automate call centers. So essentially, we were in the business of shutting down call centers and putting people out of work. Ugh. Terrible, I know. Anyway, that was years ago. But one interesting learning from that job: I have a better than average knowledge of how call centers work. For example, if you call 800-555-1212 (toll free directory assistance) and ask the operator "What's your name?", by procedure, they have to tell you. You can also ask them "Where are you located?" and they have to tell you that too.

I also know in general how the management structure at call centers work. Most call centers always have a supervisor on duty for a certain number of reps. And if you ask to speak to the supervisor, the reps generally have to transfer you.

Today, I was calling about a late order and found the rep extremely condescending and not helpful. I had her transfer me to her supervisor. I laid out an arguement about how I received service that was "frustrating" and "not at the level I'd expect from the [store name here] brand." I think I used the word "disappointing" at least twice, for emphasis.

In the end this is what I got:

- 10% off of my order for my "inconvenience," plus

- the supervisor telling me he would call the rep into his office tomorrow and "have a talk with her," plus

- a heaping serving of guilt

Was that an Asshole Move? Or OK?

Worries, worries

Evil



I live on the 2nd floor of a six-floor walkup. Last week, the super posted a notice about bedbugs being reported in 2 apartments on the 5th floor. No sweat, I think. That's the fifth floor. Today, the super posted a new notice: bed bugs now spotted on the 3rd floor. CRAP! I need to move outta here, and fast.

Potentially Bad News

Evil

I think I might be pregnant. My tummy keeps getting bigger and bigger.

This is Fun

Has anyone cheked out the wikipedia entry for their hometown? I did. Check it out here.

Scenes from a wedding...

(continued from last week)

Dr. Jay's wedding rocked! "Classic", "best of" wedding, right down a re-enactment of the scene from Godfather III where our large, unwieldly, extended family got together and posed for a massive family portrait. At one point during the picture I noticed that 60% of the wedding invitees were standing for this photo. Some of whom felt new to me. Are we multiplying? Is the Velez family tribble-like?

As discussed, I was related to most people at this wedding. Very few chicks in the mix. One was my escort for the evening. She was a redhead. 30 years into my life I still don't know if I find redheads attractive. it's foreign to me so its always interesting but I am never sure its good stuff. Not knowing what to do when i noticed her at the rehearsal dinner I made Bumpasaurus sit at their table while i acted like I needed to catch up with my little cousin. Upon returning, I made Bump explain whether she was hot or not...

Bump- "who? The old lady?"

You can always count on the Bump. For what? Only the little baby jesus knows...

But I digress, I'll admit she smelled odd. Well she did not actually smell odd, I just did not like her scent. Further, it was hot that day (like stupid hot) and so this scent that i was not a huge fan of was for, whatever reason, more pronounced. Still bored out of my mind, I engaged her in dancing. I explained to her that salsa is in triple and merengue was in duple. This is a fact, Jon-El has told me. I really have no idea what to do with this information myself but she nodded knowingly...like i was giving her great advise.

As we were getting drinks we had the following exchange


Her: "I need to get a phD, but i can't"
Me: "oh why?"
Her: "you would not understand, you're too young."
Me: "how old do you imagine i am"
Her: "i am guessing around Dr. Jay's age...just under 30"
Me: "good guess..."
Her: "too young"
Me: "huh"
Her: "i'm thirty-six"
Me: "goddamn.."
Her: "unlike [the bride] i have no one to support me, I'm by myself. I don't have a great guy like Dr. Jay to take care of me while i do this"
Me: "right, oh look there's my grandmother, I have to go say hi to her"

Later, on another woman grabbed me for a dance. She was the little sister of the best man, could not be older than 26ish...

Her: "thanks for dancing with me...you're pretty good"
Me: (to myself) "poor child, has she been surrounded by white people her whole life, I look ridiculous...I'm having fun"
Me: (to her) "thanks..you too"
Her: "I just really appreciate it"
Me: "Como?"
Her: "I come to these things and only dance with my girls...its no fun"
The Journey song - Don't stop Believin - comes on, we are now holding each other. this is suddenly a 3rd grade dance.
Little girls (8 and 6 were their ages)
Her: "these are my girls"
Me: "huh? Um...hello little girls"
the four of us danced for a minute. then thankfully the song ended.

Her: "are you going back to the hotel?"
Me: "nah, i am going home" I yelled to my brother "Bump go bring around the car"

Cowardice, thy name is xtian.

Earlier this week, I had lunch with a friend and I was telling her these stories. She asked why I mention all this. I noticed that it was because she smelled just like the bridesmaid who was looking for financial support. When challenged she promised she was wearing no scent. I blamed her moisturizer. Her eyes got LC like "big and pensive", she was judging my sanity.

No Loitering

Does anyone ever want to stop and stare at those American Apparel Ads on the street as you walk by. I do, but I am immediately overcome with a fear that someone will judge me for staring at young girls.

With that in mind, here is a link to their photo gallery. Stare away.

Did you guys know they were political? Read their mission statement, who thought $5 tees could be such a slap against the man?

How much A$$ do we suppose this guy gets off the MySpace?

check this out!

Bachelor Party Blues

There are two camps in my life

(1) The people who think i'm the life of the party. The people who think I am hooking up nightly. The people who asume I know where to go and when and theoretically could get them coke even though I don't seem to use much myself.
(2) The people who love me but ultimately think I'm wack. The people who invite me out and expect me to run home at 2am. The people who hesitate inviting me out because I might try to make out with their cute cousin/sister/girlfriend/mother and then leave without saying good bye at 11:45.

The truth is I'm somewhere in the middle. I am neither a great friend nor a crappy one. I neither stay out all night or am a shut in. In reality I am somewhere in between. But no one knows this. They just see point in time examples that reveal me to be one and only one of the aformentioned scenarios.

Regardless, its a lot of pressure. How do I live up to these expectations, its tough stuff.

Late June: I am in boston having lunch outside with my brother Balls Mahoney. The phone rings. An amiable fellow is on the other end and he claims to be the best man to my cousin, Dr. Jay. He asks my help in planning an eventual bachelor party. We agree this is a good idea. We discuss a party in NY. I am hesitant. 8 guys in NY sounds like a Sangay plan that always goes ary. However, I promise to put some thought into said plan and get back to him. Our conversation is even keeled and casual. Surprisingly so, given that I hate talking to people I love on the phone, i doubly hate talking to people I don't know. We tacitly agree that by the transitive property we are brothers, as we both consider Dr J a brother. Yes that's right, this summer I have declared everyone brother.

We confirm a plan over the next few weeks to drag J up to Manhattan - feed him a steak, get him drunk and stare at titties. I also do some research into where we could go find an illegal blackjack game in manhattan around 5am should we need to. I'll make a side comment here that long ago Manolo taught me that if you go to the right place at 5am you could find all the blackjack, crystal meth and tranny prostitutes you want. I have never understood why it was important to Manolo that I understand this as in the 7 years since I have never put this information to good use. I'm sure Manolo has though, haven't you champ?

That morning, the Bumpasaurus is meant to arrive from Florida. He is no where to be seen. Anxious calls reveal he is still in Orlando. Further calls reveal that his original flight to Newark is cancelled. His bag was checked to go to JFK but he fell asleeep and now is on a flight to laguardia landing at 10pm. He asks that I claim his back at JFK for him. I say "of course" because outer Queens is so MOTHEF*CKING convienent for me to get to. A**HOLE...

We meet up at The Old Homestead around 9pm. It's myself, Dr. Jay, the best man, Will the tool, and some other dr. We eat a great steak. Will The Tool, the youngest guy there complains a lot about his sapphire and tonic. We all mock him its fun.

We conviene with the Bump at The Maritime around 11pm. Bump is upset no one is drunk. We have a few drinks outside. Will the Tool is still complaining. Bump asks what his problem is. I suggest its simply that he sucks. Bump throws up his hands in disgust.

En route to another bar, The Wisdom of Masses is played out right before my eyes. Will the tool stops at several bodegas looking for his brand of cigarrettes. Some joke that he is looking for menthols (which I guess is a closet joke about black people, but will is very white and though he says "yooo" quite a bit I just don't get it)...the joke about him looking for Viriginia Slims more closely hits the mark...and everyone nods in a approval, their silence voting this the winning diss.

At around the 4th bar, we agree shots are necessary. We go nuts. The tool refuses to do shots. Bump calls him gay and then a fag. Bump is not drunk per se, just sort of a d*ck. Finally The tool relents, takes the shot and then proceeds to throw up immediately. I have just turned around to settle the tab so I miss the scene. It's fine Bump is on the scene. He takes the tool outside to get fresh air. En route Bump notices that Tool threw up all over Dr. Jay and grabbed him and took him to the rest room.

Watching the mexican busboys clean up the mess harkens me back to Evil in Chicago drink Mojitos till he vomited. That has to count as a "Classic" "Best of" episode "EVIL AND XTIAN hate themselves".

I decide we need to leave. Thankfully, the good people at Old Homestead gave me several free passes to Privildge. We stop at a car wash on the west side highway so Dr Jay can hose himself off some more. and Tool can wash his shoes which have vomit all over them.

At the strip club I watch A-Rod strike out 4 times in one game. ESPN replays it pitch by pitch. What does it say about me that I would rather watch that than a croatian immigrant strip? I overhear a stripper ask Jay if it's raining outside as his shirt is so wet. The Tool comes by and asks if we can go to a better strip club. I ask him to go sit still on the other side of the table and not speak to me anymore. Bump is having a good time. So am I. So is the Doctor, I guess then it's all good in the hood.

We stopped by Pizza 33 to say what's up and eat. I introduce the owner to my brother. He asks Bump if he is adopted as he looks nothing like me. Bump is visibly shaken by the thought of this possibilty and revisits this topic several times over the next week.

The next day Dr Jay and I are speaking on the phone. He thanks me as he had a fabulous time.
Next
Part 2 - Scenes from a Wedding

Boneless Girl

This kept me amused for several hours of the day today. As described, you "click, drag, and drop boneless girl."

Hey Manolo, doesn't this look like the girl you kissed, tried to kiss, thought you kissed, etc...?

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil



I will eat you!