Manolo Answers Some Questions

Wow Evil...I saw your comment...you are one impatient Asian...couldn't wait ONE week...

These are my answers to the questions posed last week which I found myself after extensive research on Google on my part. I was hoping to that some answers would actually come from our beloved Hose readers but like always, they fail to produce when it really counts...

Q: Do you know the way to San Jose?
A: I actually don't...First, I couldn't choose between San Jose, California or San Jose, Costa Rica. I eventually chose San Jose, Costa Rica and tried to Mapquest the trip to no avail...

Q: Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?
A: I tried to answer it but then I realized I didn't speak French so I used one of those nifty online translators. After finally figuring out how the translator worked, I was a bit confused. I didn't know if I was asking somebody else or if I was asking myself that question...to make my life and those of around me simpler, I will just say the answer is NO!!!

Q: How deep is your love?
A: I know Evil is reserving any personal answer to that question for his future cell mate. But assuming you’re asking me to generalize on those of a more feminine persuasion, the answer is: not very deep at all. I was privately relieved to discover that the average woman’s vagina is actually only about three inches from the opening to the cervix—but it expands during sex to accommodate nearly any size penis (as Evil’s mother’s exhaustive research has clearly proved). Still, if you think this means the deeper the love, the stronger the emotion, your whitesnake has another thing coming. In fact, sailing a big meat gondola into a short tunnel of love can shipwreck the mood-bumping against the woman’s cervix will actually make intercourse more painful for her. There’s no need for you to try any deep drilling anyway. According to sexual therapists, the vast majority of never endings are in the front third of the woman's love canal. So thankfully, the little squirts that compromise many of our Hose readers should be able to help their mate strike oil…

If you want a more lovey-dovey answer, you can try the following online quiz...

Q: If a No. 2 pencil is the world’s most popular pencil, why is it still No. 2?
A: I think is because everybody feels that they are not good enough to be No. 1. Therefore they can never use anything that’s No. 1.

Q: Who’s faster, the Road Runner or Speedy Gonzalez?
A: The world grinds to a halt awaiting an answer to this question. Oddly, the most obnoxious bird in the Mojave and the fastest mouse in Mexico have yet to face off, at least from what I was able to read online. Forget the roadrunner preys on mice and would gobble Speedy up before he could say “ole”. Zoologists who study the roadrunner (a flightless member of the cuckoo family) and garden-variety mouse suspect that the rodent isn’t up to speed and place their bets on the bird. Roadrunners clock an average 15 miles per hour while mice can only run two or three miles per hour. Besides, speedy’s sombrero would probably create some drag and slow him down even more.

Now I can finally get some sleep...