Mid-Life Crisis(es)

Last night was a bit of a college reunion of sorts at Arlene's Grocery, where two bands came down from Beantown and played for an entourage of alumni from 1993 - 1999. Band members included an M-Eye-Tee PhD student, soon-to-be Atlanta university professor (post-PhD obviously), and a Rhodes Scholar MD-PhD in genetics from Haavaahd.

The smartest band Arlene's has ever seen I would guess.

Who has time to learn to sing and play in a band? All I have time for is heating up frozen noodle dinners and playing with Bruno.

While these future Nobel Laureates were jamming on stage, a bunch of us sat in the corner commiserating over how you don't really get to think in Corporate America - and things don't happen very quickly.

Who wants to start a band with me? I bet we can get that up and running pretty quickly...

Hi People

Evil

- Floyd Landis is innocent. The thing they're trying to do to him is a travesty.

- Big Head and I had burgers and beer together a couple of days ago.

- What's with all the flash floods in NYC this summer? Is the end of the world near?

- Why are Manolor's posts so mysterious? (BTW Manolo, it's not surprising that a girl wouldn't notice if you kissed her. I've heard that girls don't even notice when you penetrate.)

- I'm so chubby now that doing ordinary things is more difficult. For example, tying my shoelaces.

- I've recently noticed that I'm smelly. It's disturbing.

More Open Letters

Evil

Dear Guy At The Gym With The Milkiest Man Titties I Have Ever Seen,

Dude, the fact that you wear a skin tight Under Armour shirt is not helping the matter. Stop lying to yourself.

-----

Dear Guy At The Gym Who's In Love With His Own Cleavage,

Dude, guys do not really flaunt their cleavage. And if you were to, just go all the way and buy a muscle-shirt tank top. But no, you insist on working out in a (very) low v-neck Haynes tshirt. Who does that?? Oh, you.

-----

Dear People On The Subway,

Listen, they call it Rush Hour for a reason. People are in a rush. When the subway door opens and you step in, don't just STOP right there at the doorway. Move the heck in, people! It may SEEM like I'm jamming my groin region into yours, but really, I'm just trying to get to work on time.

Manolo Manscapes... and Lives To Tell

Evil

Manolo, you are so hilarious. Your post on craigslist is a classic.

Dear ESPN

Evil
I wrote and email to the ESPN.com people today. My email will never see the light of day, of course. But it felt better just writing it.

-----
Dear product managers, customer support team, and anyone who might be reading this at ESPN:

I don't imagine that I'm the first to write in about this, but I just need to get this off my chest... PLEASE stop it with the auto-play ads where Trey Wingo is hawing Mobile ESPN. You know it's annoying to your users. I think in your hearts you know that auto-playing the ads is disrepectful to your users. Yet you do it anyway.

I realize that you're a business and you need to make money. However, I think there's conclusive ad market research that says, beyond a certain number of ad impressions, the incremental impressions will make no difference whatsoever. That limit is somewhere between 3 and 5, depending on what research you believe. I had that Trey Wingo ad auto-play on my about 8 gazillion times now. Really.

I've started getting my sports news from FoxSports. I'll admit that typing "espn.com" is part of my muscle memory, but you know what, every week I find myself visiting FoxSports more and more.

You likely don't care about losing me -- a single user. But I'm sure many others feel the same way. Please, just asking for a little consideration and respect. It's a better way to sustain a loyal user base and positive brand.

Best regards,
(Evil's real name)
(Evil's real email address)
(Evil's real phone number)

Victory!

Evil



Tiger Woods won the British Open golf championships today and stuck it to his many doubters who said that steroids couldn't possibly be helpful to golfers. Game of finess my ass! Check out Tiger 'roid raging.

The Greatest Actor of Our Generation

Evil



The Greatest Actor of Our Generation? Woody Harrelson! He doesn't get enough credit, but think about all his virtuoso performances, including: The People vs. Larry Flint, Natural Born Killers, North Country, and White Men Can't Jump. Is there any male actor from our generation who's better? No!

Quote of the Day

Evil

I (briefly) saw my parents today. My mom said to me, "If you've been working out, how come you're still so chubby?" Thanks, mom.

Manolo Kisses A Girl On The Cheek

Last night I met up with a friend of the female persuasion...we go out a lot for dinner and drinks and there is quite a bit of ongoing sexual tension but for a variety of reasons I won't get into right now, we have kept it strictly platonic.

Last night we met for drinks and after a bottle or so of champagne, we decided to go to a club and try out some of the dance moves I picked up watching So You Think You Can Dance?.

After the successful completion of a very tightly gripped Salsa turn, I proceeded to kiss her on the cheek. All this happened in very slow motion because as I was kissing her, I realized what I was doing...You see, during a normal Manolo-woman romantic interaction, kiss on the cheek during a dance with little to non-existent space between the dancers is ONE of my patented ways of assesing the romantic disposition of my companion. Allowing me a kiss on the cheek opens the door for me to eventually stroke her hair or lower my hand a bit or caress her face or kiss her on the neck leading to that eventual first kiss...

Since I caught myself in the middle of this, I avoided immediate eye contact after the kiss and kept dancing so I really don't know what her reaction was.

The point of the story is and this is mainly directed to our one or two female readers...do you think she noticed? Do I keep my mouth shut and or do I clear the air by talking about what happened?

Manolo Gets Sued For Sexual Harrasment


Wouldn't the other world leaders qualify as co-workers? Doesn't that mean that Bush is on the fast track for sensitivity in the workplace training? If it had been me, I would have been sued for sexual harrasment...

Manolo's Public Service Announcement #2

A ten gallon hat hold only three quarters of a gallon. Wanna mess with Texas? Try simple math.

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil



Hurtin'.

Michelle Wie Preggers??? More Proof!

Evil



AH! More proof that Michelle Wie is preggers. She pulled out of a golf tournament today, apparently due to "heat exhaustion." But check out the photo of her today. Holding her tummy! I think there's something kicking around in there.

What a Nice Guy

Evil



I'm in Washington DC today. I was just watching some ESPN on the hotel room TV. They were doing this "Make A Wish" segment with a dying 6 year old boy, Andrew, and his hero, New England Patriots linebacker Tedy Bruschi.

Usually, the Make A Wish stuff drives me nuts because why waste a good wish on someone who's 4 weeks away from kicking the bucket? But this particular segment was good, not because of the wimpy little kid, but because of Tedy Bruschi. On the field, he crushes pipsqueak running backs, but off the field, Tedy is just a guy who's good with kids.

The cameras showed him taking little Andrew around the stadium for an entire day. All along the way, Tedy made sure to explain all the details of what happens on an NFL game day. He was very detailed: from getting dressed, to doing the team cheer, to patting teammates on the shoulder pads before hitting the field. When the two got onto the field, Tedy was calling plays and handing the ball off to little Andrew. He let Andrew score a touchdown. And then for the post-game, they even did a little mock press conference, so Andrew could talk about his game-winning touchdown with only 3 imaginary seconds left (in the game, not his life). After ALL that, as if Tedy wasn't worn down enough, he even hit the showers with little Andrew. Tedy Bruschi is a good man.

Manolo's Public Service Announcement #1

Those girls in the 1-900 commercials aren’t necessarily the ones answering the phones. You’ve been warned...

Picking Up the Pieces...

Some days are like this.

Trading Up

Did anyone read this article? This guy is a genius!! If I were to follow him, it would go like this, and I would never have to leave my desk since all these items are from the [insert my company’s name here] internal bulletin board:

• A photo of Bruno for “Fitness DVDs”
• “Fitness DVDs” for “Cab share to JFK” (using KenTak3’s car)
• “Cab share to JFK” for “Dave Matthews Tickets”
• “Dave Matthews Tickets” for “American Idols Live Concert tickets” (thinking of Evil... but nevermind since Kelly Clarkson not on the tour)
• “American Idols tickets” for “$400 in Circuit City Gift Cards”
• “Circuit City Gift Cards” for “Lost wedding band” (after making proxy wedding band)
• “Lost wedding band” for “Men's Movado Sports Edition--Silver Face” (birthday gift for X-Tian)
• “Men's Movado Sports Edition--Silver Face” for “Week in Italian Villa” (trading out since X-Tian does not like bithdays, birthday gifts, or being timely anyway)
• “Week in Italian Villa” for “Hot Rod Lincoln - Mark VII - custom 5 speed, 5.0, very fast” (thinking of Mr. Shoulders)
• “Hot Rod Lincoln” for “Estee Lauder Makeup and Perfume Sets” (at the end of the day you need to look and smell good to get a man, woman or both)

Manolo Answers Some Questions

Wow Evil...I saw your comment...you are one impatient Asian...couldn't wait ONE week...

These are my answers to the questions posed last week which I found myself after extensive research on Google on my part. I was hoping to that some answers would actually come from our beloved Hose readers but like always, they fail to produce when it really counts...

Q: Do you know the way to San Jose?
A: I actually don't...First, I couldn't choose between San Jose, California or San Jose, Costa Rica. I eventually chose San Jose, Costa Rica and tried to Mapquest the trip to no avail...

Q: Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?
A: I tried to answer it but then I realized I didn't speak French so I used one of those nifty online translators. After finally figuring out how the translator worked, I was a bit confused. I didn't know if I was asking somebody else or if I was asking myself that question...to make my life and those of around me simpler, I will just say the answer is NO!!!

Q: How deep is your love?
A: I know Evil is reserving any personal answer to that question for his future cell mate. But assuming you’re asking me to generalize on those of a more feminine persuasion, the answer is: not very deep at all. I was privately relieved to discover that the average woman’s vagina is actually only about three inches from the opening to the cervix—but it expands during sex to accommodate nearly any size penis (as Evil’s mother’s exhaustive research has clearly proved). Still, if you think this means the deeper the love, the stronger the emotion, your whitesnake has another thing coming. In fact, sailing a big meat gondola into a short tunnel of love can shipwreck the mood-bumping against the woman’s cervix will actually make intercourse more painful for her. There’s no need for you to try any deep drilling anyway. According to sexual therapists, the vast majority of never endings are in the front third of the woman's love canal. So thankfully, the little squirts that compromise many of our Hose readers should be able to help their mate strike oil…

If you want a more lovey-dovey answer, you can try the following online quiz...

Q: If a No. 2 pencil is the world’s most popular pencil, why is it still No. 2?
A: I think is because everybody feels that they are not good enough to be No. 1. Therefore they can never use anything that’s No. 1.

Q: Who’s faster, the Road Runner or Speedy Gonzalez?
A: The world grinds to a halt awaiting an answer to this question. Oddly, the most obnoxious bird in the Mojave and the fastest mouse in Mexico have yet to face off, at least from what I was able to read online. Forget the roadrunner preys on mice and would gobble Speedy up before he could say “ole”. Zoologists who study the roadrunner (a flightless member of the cuckoo family) and garden-variety mouse suspect that the rodent isn’t up to speed and place their bets on the bird. Roadrunners clock an average 15 miles per hour while mice can only run two or three miles per hour. Besides, speedy’s sombrero would probably create some drag and slow him down even more.

Now I can finally get some sleep...

Dear Readers...

Evil



Dear Readers,

Maybe someone out there knows the answer... What's with soul patches? I don't get it. Why do soul patches exist? Is it to say:

"Hey, I'm a wimp!"

Or...

"Hey, I'm non-commital about facial hair!"

Or...

"Hey, this is my mouth, but I want you to treat it like a vagina!"

Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

Too European

Evil



What the hell happened?! My TV is overwhelmed with European sports. Thankfully, we're getting rid of two today: it's the last day of Wimbledon and also the last day of the World F'ing Cup. But the Tour de France is still going strong and we're getting ANOTHER two weeks of it. I've actually been watching some Tour de France on ch. 122, the Outdoor Life Network (which is an ironic name because it's basically a channel for people whose only exposure to "outdoor life" is via their TV). I've learned that they have weird fashion rules in cycling. There are all these special jerseys that mean something:

Yellow Jersey - Overall race ("General Classification") leader

White Jersey - Best Young Rider (under 25)

Green Jersey - Sprint Leader

Polka Dot Jersey - King of the Mountains

But there's more! Get this... if you're the cycling campion of your country, you don't wear your cycling team's colors (e.g. The Discovery Channel team, The T-Mobile team, etc.)... Instead, you wear your country colors. Same thing applies if you're the world champion: you wear a rainbow jersey. Oh wait. This is all very complicated. I can't remember if the rainbow jersey means you're champion of the world, or just champion of Brokeback Mountain. Please, no more European sports! (But more Sumo Wrestling on ESPN2. That stuff rocks.)

Michelle Wie Preggers???

Evil



I've watched Michelle Wie on TV the past couple of weeks... and it looks like she's preggers! I didn't find anything reported in the news / online, so you heard it here first! I want credit for making this call.

Manolo Goes Online

What kind of warped hidden camera show is this? I am sure it could only have been done by Kentak3's people...

Is There REALLY A Difference?

Evil

Manolo Asks Some Questions

The following questions have been keeping me up at night...

Q: Do you know the way to San Jose?

Q: Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?

Q: How deep is your love?

Q: If a No. 2 pencil is the world’s most popular pencil, why is it still No. 2?

Q: Who’s faster, the Road Runner or Speedy Gonzalez?

I will post my answers to these burning questions next week...

Bye Bye Becks

Evil

It's been a tough couple of days for David Beckham.

First, he pulls himself out of his team's match vs. Portugal due to "injury." As he sat on the sidelines with teary face buried in hands, his team was booted out of the World Cup.

Following that, Becks called a press conference to announce that he's quitting as England's team captain. But Becks stressed that he still plans to compete for his country, just not as captain. When asked by reporters what led him to this decisions, Becks said: "Because I wanted to spend more time with The Bumpasaurus."

Outdated Movie Review - American History X

Evil



In American History X, Edward Norton plays a skinhead... a very buff skinhead. Just when did Edward Norton get so buff? Norton delivers a brilliant feat of acting in this movie, and not just because he manages to pull off not looking like the skinny little twerp that he is.

Overall, this movie is amazing. I think it's just a shame that they ran out of budget and had to film some scenes in black and white. There's no telling what the full potential of this movie could have been.

This is a movie that really makes one think. For example:

- Avery Brooks (from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine), plays a guy with 2 PhDs, is the Principal of Norton's high school, and rides around with the LAPD on skinhead crime investigations. How does someone have time to do all that and still be the captain of a star ship? Dude, I know how far away Deep Space Nine is. It's more than a 45 minute commute from out there to L.A.

- There's a scary rape scene in this movie, where 5 dudes grab Norton in the prison shower and then this huge dude, who must have been 8 feet fall, takes Norton from behind. Despite his tough guy role, Norton also demonstrates that he as sensitive insides: in the scene following the shower rape, he cries like a little bitch and begs Avery Brooks to spring him from jail.

- After Norton gets raped for the first time, I didn't understand why he immediately went and alienated his crew, the other skin heads. They were the only thing keeping Norton's butt away from everyong in prison who hated him, namely the huge black dudes.

OK, enough blogging. I need to go watch another movie.