Job I Didn't Know Existed

There has been a lot of talk in the news lately of this double agent who blew himself up in the presence of a CIA team. Terrible story.

Then, last night, there was an episode of The Office which featured a scene at the end where Dwight and the Nard Dog claim to be double agents. At which point I expected Michael to claim to be a triple agent, because that would be ridiculous. But he didn't. He also went with double agent (dropped the ball there Office writers).

Turns out it isn't so ridiculous. There are triple agents! From the most trusted source, Wikipedia: "A triple agent pretends to be a double agent for the target organization, but in fact is working for the controlling organization all along. Usually, they keep the trust of the target organization by feeding information to them that apparently is very important but is in fact misleading or useless."

I'm not sure how this is all that different than being an "agent" though. Seems like the double is offset by the triple, thus making it a single. Right? So I was really gobsmacked when I learned that there are quadruple agents too!!!!! That would be one tricky job.

Things That Make Me Say Good Gravy

Sitting here at home, wondering where KillerB2 is, watching Bristol Bay Brawl - basically The Most Dangerous Catch 2.0.

So these guys are fishing for herring, so they can sell the roe to Asian markets. Cool. They drive around the Bay, drop nets, haul fish, cuss, swear, etc.

After they've caught a bunch of fish, they haul it to a processing boat. When they do they get the weight, and value of their catch. Exciting!!!!

So this dude just rolled the dice, got a huge catch. 20 tons of herring. Good Gravy. He's gonna be rich. Sooooooo rich.

Value of 40,000 pounds of herring. $2500. Good Gravy!!!!! Mental note: keep up the high flying marketing, because herring fishing is the ass-end of money making.

28 Hours of Football Pregaming

The Hose Official Wild Card Game Viewing Party is kicking off tomorrow at an undisclosed location in the East Village!!! Come bear witness to xTian slitting his wrists around 7:15 Eastern!

Prize for whoever can name all the coaches in this video!

Btw, Parcells + autotune = genius!

xTian's Pitch Meeting

Prior to Thanksgiving, I was in LA for a friend’s engagement/wedding reception thingamabobber. At this event, I met several people who seemed to be planning to produce or had recently starred in some sort of web series or guest stared on webisodes of a web series. I found this fascinating. Mostly because it sounded like code for "I'm an unemployed actor" but whatever...

The storytelling approach has to be completely different because you sort of have to tell a small story in a shortened format. Even in a situation where you have some sort of cliffhanger you have to introduce characters and a scenario in a compressed time frame. I have spent a lot of time, thinking about strange things so I spent some time wondering what sort of concepts would lend them selves to webisodes.

Here are a few:
More...Push & Kick
I met a guy recently who lived somewhere in Brooklyn, not terrible close to a subway. So whenever he went anywhere he would bring along a collapsible foot scooter so that he could ride more quickly to the subway. Since he thought it ok to lug it into a restaurant where we were having dinner with mutual friends, I thought it was ok to ask him if he brought this on dates etc. He admitted he did and that at times people had found it off putting. Of course, this started percolating in my head – doesn’t this work as a broader metaphor for the isolation brought about our modern usage of technology? Wouldn’t it be sort of fascinating to watch this guy get turned down on dates, possibly knock small children over and alienate his friends and family in several situations –each in its own webisode? Then this could also be elements of a longer narrative. Each webisode taking our hero deeper into the dumps till he bottoms out (extremely isolated) and then he can redeem himself by doing something truly heroic and it ends with him basically reigniting a foot scooter craze. We could also use a Segue I guess, but only if they come through with promotional considerations

Summer BreezeI also think Mr. Shoulder’s life deserves its own webseries. I will let your mind run wild with the possibilities. I had an idea 5 years ago when Mr. Shoulders was hitting the Jersey Shore and Vegas with voracious frequency. Of course, MTV sort of swiped that idea and now we have to deal with “The Situation” and Snooki, even though I had the idea first. Still, the life and loves of Mr. Shoulders sounds compelling...much more so than Cat Fancy staring Evil.

Mid-Teen Afternoon Social
This one was actually devised in conjunction with another Hoser, who can choose to reveal himself if he likes. I recently have been reading a lot of about how today’s teens have a far different value system than we did growing up and now kids are running trains, giving BJs left and right and generally running amuck. The more I thought about this, the more I thought movies like Super Bad are actually a little innocent and a reflection of an earlier more innocent time. Imagine if instead of trying to have sex or make out our whatever our teen heroes were trying to talk various women into basket jobs and rainbow parties or ass play (as a first sexual experience). Every mini episode could be their attempt to get their party together could be wrought with hilarious little failures and them trying to use current porn dialogue to get women to react. I am not sure how it would actually end. Maybe they will learn something. Maybe someone will try to trick them into having unprotected assplay. I have not really decided.

Anyway, I consider all three of these ideas as valid as most of the episodic web shorts I have seen online.

Things I Do For Evil

After seeing Evil's early struggles in growing a Manuary beard, I decided to do something about it. Since I'm not a genetic scientist, I couldn't do anything about his lack of a beard, so I did the next best thing: I grew one for him. Here ya go pal.

Unfortunately I have a meeting tomorrow, so 12 hours from now this will be gone. If you like I can collect the shavings and send them your way. Let me know.

I doubt your #1 BFF did anything as thoughtful.

Congratulations Hawk!!!!!!!!

You're one of the best of all time. Next up, Shawon Dunston!!!!!!

Date or Die: I don't know you that well now please help me with my bra

I went on a second date this past Saturday. Though not very into the woman, I thought it was pretty important to not leave this world never seeing a redhead naked. We had a fairly successful conversation though I found her indecisiveness about her academic pursuits somewhat annoying.

We stepped out to find a bar for a nightcap. The January air whipped us in the face so fast that we ducked into the first bar we could find, not the bar I was suggesting and one that turned out to be very overcrowded. Not wanting to stay, I suggested we return to her apartment. She stared at me, somewhat shocked about my directness. In the cab she jumped me. On the elevator going up to her apartment she suddenly hesitated admitting she was unsure given that she had to this point spent 3 hours with me. 15 minutes later I was helping her out of her clothes. 1 hour later she again discussed her hesitancy though by that time the point was moot. 2 minutes later I mocked her faux-indecisiveness. 5 minutes later she helped me find my socks after suggesting I leave. 10 minutes after that, as I walked to the subway, she phoned me and asked if I wanted to come back up. 45 minutes later, I was home, alone and reasonably happy to be going to sleep before 2am.

The redhead thing turned out to be a minor disappointment overall. Just in case, anyone out there was as intrigued as I was on the topic.

Annoyance of the day: Bellyaching about terrorists

All this heated agitation about the failure of the government to protect us from terrorists on airplanes is annoying. Is anyone else pretty relieved by what has been revealed in the past couple of airline terrorist attack attempts? Consider the following examples:

Case 1: A well funded, well trained organization spends a full year planning every last detail of an attack. They find a non-Arab attacker, and successfully get him a US travel visa. Everything goes right for them at the airport, and the guy gets on the plane. What’s the problem? He could only sneak enough explosive onto the airplane to incinerate his own junk. The airplane and the passengers were never in danger.

Case 2: A pretty active splinter group spends all sorts of time devising a bomb that fits inside a shoe. The guy makes it onto the airplane with it, but cannot detonate the device before being restrained. However, nearly every expert agrees that such a device was nowhere near large enough to disable a commercial jetliner. Again, the worst he could have done is perhaps hurt a few of the people around him, and you will never stop people from being able to do that.

Do I wish our intelligence officers had picked these guys up earlier? Of course. Would I be happy sitting next to the idiot that just melted his testicles or blew his damn foot off? Of course not. But I’m also pretty excited that the worst either of these organizations could have done, even if their plans had been executed flawlessly, would be to cause some non-fatal commotion.

I feel better about airline safety than I did before these “attacks.” Stop yo’ bellyachin’!

Users Guide to Making up Words

As far as I can tell making up new words has been going on ever since word #1. I think it is really great that new words can be created, but I also think we need some ground rules. So here they are......


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People who CAN make up new words:
- Rappers

Can you imagine a world without fo' shizzle? I can't.

People who SHOULD not, ever, under any circumstances make up new words:
- Clergy
- Politicians
- Teachers
- Lastly, and most importantly, sports broadcasters.

Which brings me to my warning. If I'm ever with you, and I hear you say "trickeration", in any context, I will reflexively punch you.

I'm having nightmares about "trickeration" this football season. Some might say I should blame the wildcat offense, but that would be giving these idiots an out. The only thing that drives me even more mad is when there is "extracurricular" activity after a play - but of course that is a word.

Key take away: I hear you say "trickeration", there will be extracurricular action.

I like this song "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

When global warming turns my swampland into desert 30 years from now, I'm inviting all of you down and we'll have a dusty good time, just like these happy folk.

I like this song - "Work" by Hockey

Is this a cover of something?

The NY Jets Have a New Super Fan

I just want to give the Sanchize a shout out for being the biggest super fan in the Meadowlands and cheering his team to victory!

Did you see him fist pump after the direct snap/57 yd run to Brad Smith in the 1st half? What poise!

Secondary shout out to Chad Ochocinco who is not following through on changing his name back to Johnson but is following through and getting Fireman Ed VIP tickets to next week's rematch in Cinncy. I think we need more of the OCHO. Class act all the way...

Redneck, not Yuppie

It was a big weekend in the KillerB's household. KillerB2 and I watched football, saw a movie, and conducted KillerB2's annual year end audit.

She has been doing this for several years, according to the spreadsheet she showed me, but this is the first year she has included me. Presumably a result of our marriage.

The spreadsheet is basically your standard balance sheet of assets and liabilities. As expected, I had a lot to contribute on the liability side - enough student loans to bankrupt a small nation. On the asset side I struggled. It turns out I don't really have assets aside from retirement accounts and the like. I don't own a car, I don't collect art, I drink whatever comes into the house, so there aren't any rare wines laying around - but under pressure to come up with something to fill those rows, the following 3 emerged as my most valuable tangible assets
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1) Pocket knife collection - rare Remington bullet series knives, and a few other odds and ends
2) Antique Winchester, over-under double barrel shotgun
3) 1.75 acres of surveyed but off-the-grid Florida swampland adjacent to Lake Okeechobee

The later I would not have included last year. Earlier this year, however, I received a letter from the Nature Conservancy offering to buy it from me. Turns out I'm fortunate enough to own land that 8 endangered species of birds call home. SCORE! Apparently my lot falls under their tier 1 priority. I learned this by Googleing my lot details, and found their planning document as a PDF. Negotiating 101: don't post your position online.

I didn't sell it though. I'm saving it to build my dream shanty on.

Knives + Guns + Swampland is basically the most perfect redneck formula ever. That's what I brought to the annual audit.

Congrats

Evil

As much as it pains me to do this, I must say that congrats are in order to MG for winning The Hose's Official Fantasy Football League, where he defeated Mr. Balls in the finals. Although MG did have a great regular season, his brilliant strategy of invoking the memory of Chris Henry motivated his team throughout their championship run.

As if winning the official Hose tourney wasn't enough, MG also went and won the unofficial "alternate" (i.e., sans-XTIAN) league, where he defeated a listless Manolo team in the finals.

Savor these victories, MG... considering how winning moments are so few and far between in your life.

New Years Quickies

Evil

* Tonight (January 1st, 2010), I will "pull an Evil Twin #1"... that is, I will go to dinner by myself. And I will like it.

* There has been some confusion in the past, so I feel the need to clarify by BFF rankings. KillerB is my #2 BFF, but that's if you're only counting humans. Nora is my #1 human BFF. If you count all species, then KillerB is my #3 BFF. Because my temp roommate is my #1 feline BFF. Thanks.

NY Jets and the Sanchize: Playoff bound? Maybe? Really?

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy -- Indie Short Film Edition

Evil

For when you're in the mood to watch an 18 minute indie short film in Danish. Here's the synopsis:

When Dennis, an introvert bodybuilder, invites a local girl out on a date his mother is hurt and disappointed. Despite the pressure she puts on him to cancel the date, Dennis ventures into a night that he will never forget.

Video here.

Worst Decade Ever (Part 1 of 2)

Evil

Some aspects of the 00's have been truly great, as Sparks has pointed out in his Top Technology Advances post. We've also had some great television, as Xtian has posted about. The 00's was a great decade for pop culture, perhaps the best decade yet for pop culture, but you wouldn't know it from KillerB's lackluster Pop Culture Moments series. Try harder next time, KillerB.

But in some regards, the 00's have been a truly disastrous decade, and I'm not just talking about my hair follicles. For the following things, the 00's have been the Worst Decade Ever...

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10. The Chicago Cubs - 2003. Only 5. more. outs. to. go! And then Steve Barman happened. Sighhhhhh. 2007: made it to the playoffs, only to be spanked by the Diamondbacks in an embarrassing 3 games to 0 sweep. The hapless (but lovable) Cubbies stranded 30 baserunners in 3 games. 2008: back to the playoffs, but yet another 3-0 sweep. This time by the Dodgers. The Cubbies were outscored 20-to-6 in the series. 2009: learned their lesson and decided to not make the playoffs at all, preferring a second-half swoon over the embarrassment of another playoff sweep.

9. NASDAQ - Peaks at 5,134 in March 2000. Closes the decade at 2,291. Sigh. I can't even fathom how long it'll take to get back above 5,000 again. Perhaps more than an entire decade.

8. Rock 'n Roll - This is the music of youth, of rebellion, and of angst. This is the music that you wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley. Rock 'n Roll was born in the 1950's (or so) and in its first decade, we had the likes of Elvis Presley and Jerry Lee Lewis (if marrying your 13 year old first cousin is not the rock 'n roll lifestyle, I don't know what is). The 60's gave us The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, Cream, and many others. The 70's brought The Ramones, Sex Pistols, Blondie, all while acts like the Stones and Zeppelin kept kicking ass. It wasn't until 1987 that Guns 'n Roses released Appetite for Destruction, but that in itself was enough to make the entire decade in my book. G'nR = Best Rock Band Ever. The 1990's was of course the decade of grunge rock, Nirvana and the like. And then the 00's hit us... clearly the worst decade ever in the history of rock 'n roll. Who was the defining rock act of the decade? Was it those pussies that we call Coldplay? Ugh! Blink 182? Linkin Park? Is rock 'n roll dead forever?

7. Airline Passengers - Remember when the biggest annoyance in air travel was having to answer those two questions about whether anyone else had packed your bags and whether your bags have been in your possession the entire time since you've packed them? And now look at the inconveniences that we suffer through: long lines, taking off your shoes, fishing out your laptop from your perfectly packed bags, getting your metrosexual facial creams confiscated because it's more than 3 ounces... and the situation is only getting worse. No pillows and blankets? Nothing on your laps? No use of iPods during the last hour? No TV during the flight because it shows a live map?

6. Newspapers - Whereas the NASDAQ will likely rebound (it's just a matter of how long) and Rock 'n Roll may likely find new life in a new decade, few will deny that newspapers are on a slow march towards death. People are reading more than ever. People are consuming more news than ever. Just not using newspapers. Goodbye old friend.

Vampire Weekend - How fun are these guys?

Pop Culture Images of the Decade

Do you guys remember when X-tian dyed his hair blonde, bought a 12 pack of white t-shirts and walked around with his arms folded for what seemed like an entire year? Well that year was 2000.

This, of course, is from the 2000 VMA's. The VMA's were a show people like us used to look forward to - like a Top Chef finale for the beginning of the decade.