Jazzy jaff invades NYC

"Where did all these brown guys from?"

My roommate was looking down on me and I was wondering what he was doing in my room. Then I realized I was in the living room on the couch. I sat up and asked:

"Can you check if the guy sleeping in my bed is still alive?"

My roommate knew better than to acknowledge this request but pressed on, in the hopes of clarifying his own confusion...

"It looked for a second there like you weren't wearing any clothes" he said. He looked relieved that I was only wearing boxer shorts. I was just hoping my ying yang was not exposed.

The brown guys in reference were not me, I mean I do count as one brown guy, but my roommate should, by now, be used to my brown ass stumbling into the apartment, wasted, and making pillows out of my suit jacket on the floor.
The brown guys in reference were in fact Jazzy Jaff who was sleeping on the adjoining futon and Dr. Orgy (the doctor of love?) who was passed out in my bed.

How did we get to this point? Well Jazzy Jaff is one of my closer friends from Business School and Dr. Orgy is one of my closer friends from undergrad and we were all kicking it last night. Dr. Orgy celebrating finishing his residency and Jazzy Jaff was in NYC celebrating a recent BJ from a white chick (where da white women at? Holla!)

After dinner at my favorite gay cuban restaurant I took Jazzy Jaff over to Sin Sin to hang out and meet up with a crew. As Jazzy is Eritrian that means that all manner of cousins and people are going to come bounding in and lord knows where things will end up. One fellow showed up and managed to hit on 4 women en route to greeting his cousin. DA appeared and I was glad for it. Not knowing what D is up to has been a point of concern for me ever since he arrived in NY. I have on occasion stepped up and invited my nigerian brother out. But often an 11pm call will find him still working so I leave him be.

After bopping around Sin Sin for several hours and a surprise cameo appearance by Speed Racer aka The Marlboro Man appeared. During the 5 minute Marlboro Man interlude I proclaimed to him that I would be hooking up with the bartender. Marlboro Man who has been a convert to the xTian Church of Lunacy actually believes something will come of this and to that end leaves before the something that comes of it is me getting out on his ass on Avenue B.

There is a lot of discussion among the group of going to Babble or Bubble or Bobble in a few minutes. Neither I nor a recently arriving Dr. Orgy has any idea what Jazzy's cousin was going on about. The heat was unbearable, and I mean it was literally hot, i was sweating thru my shirt. As we left the bar I wrote my phone number on a the check i paid with my credit card and slimily winked at my potentially underage bartender. Surprisingly she didn't vomit...though it was touch and go for a while...

Later when we finally got to Babel (AH!) we realized we were in a Hooka bar full of hot middle eastern chicks. I went to work trolling the place and failing to make anything happen. La Tortura came on and actually fit the proceedings quite well.

Dr. Orgy came up with the right plan and suggested we get some weed. I had some, squirrelled away in the back of my freezer and we were off. we hit a cab and then walked some because like the over educated incredibly uppwardly mobile goofs that we were we had 4 dollars between us. In my apt we sparked doob in the heat and pontificated on when hip hop achieved perfection. After 5 minutes of debate we agreed right then and there that the releases of The Low End Theory and Midnight Marauders bookend the greatest era in hip hop. Happiness pervaded the room...

Dr. Orgy made an interesting point during this conversation

"xTian, you know what's wierd, your bullshit makes all sorts of sense when one is high"

I nearly kissed him, on the mouth! HARD!

(ok, no not really, but learning a universal truth that I make more sense when someone is under the influence of the green might be the key to me advancing with one of these trippy broads currently bisecting random parts of my life. So the kiss is hyperbole for a deep sense of gratitude not any actual gayness)

We then had a magically thought! We could recreate Harold and Kumar go to White Castle with me playing the part of straight laced Harold and he playing Kumar. We agreed right then and there to go to the White Castle on on 38th St. As we started walking it was suggested that we hit the Chelsea Papaya first and get some Chili Cheese Dogs. The idea of walking all the way up to 38th was not at all appealing but press on we did, past all the disturbing stuff, the trannies, the homeless the nasty New York Smelly Garbage.

At White Castles we rocked out to a 10 pack, the good dr's stomach turned as a mid-op tranny walked in, drunk with an exposed breast, i helped myself to his burgers. On the walk back to my apt he pointed out to me that his belly was expanding and it was, and I was disturbed that he felt the need to lift his shirt and expose his rapidly expanding belly.

Somewhere north of Penn Station he sat down on a booth normally reserved for flowers in front of a bodega. Not knowing what to do I ran inside to get him a ginger ale.

Later Orgy said that were he able to he would have shouted "Don't leave me again"

An allusion to an episode at Sharmin's (bar is SoHo from the late 90s) where I once left him puking at a table, as I went across the street and bought a pack of cloves, which I proceeeded to smoke while he sat inside vomiting. I was smoking at the time, mostly for effect...and mostly to avoid situations like that.

I did not abandom him tihs time, and i don't smoke. so I went and got him Ginger Ale, because the last time I went to the doctor (being sick) he gave me ginger ale, this was 1987 I believe...

I walked him back to my apt and let him sleep in my bed while I sprawled out on an incredible uncomfortable futon in my incredibly hot living room. Jazzy Jaff (walked in) and asked what was up, I said something about somthing being gay, and having lived with me for a year somewhat recently, took the comment at face value, shRugged and jumped on the adjoining futon...

My closing comment to him was that if Orgy died, Jazzy would have to help me dispose of body, and potentially kill his soon-to-be fiancee. Jaff, with his usual indifference, concurred and offered himself up, once more, to the righteous task of saving me from my own failings...

And that's how two brown guys ended up passed out in my apartment on one random friday night/saturday morning...

The Summer of (not) XTian

My summer has been decidedly not xtian centric. I honestly can't recall anything I have done for myself in the last six months. I am not sure what's up with that but it needs to change. Yes, totally.

Still that's not to say that my summer has not had its moments and I feel the need to recap some of them. So every other day this week I'll be dropping knowledge on my summer. Highlights will include:

- xTian and Orgy go to White Castle
- "xTian why are there two brown men passed out in our living room?"
- A series of unfortunate events (at a strip club) aka mama and papa Xtian visit xTian
-"Fuck xTian and his white linen pants"
- The Jersey Shore Invades Manhattan
- xTian meets up with 300 Indians in Salt Lake City
- xTian goes on an anti-Mormon Mission

RIP, Big Head

Evil

:(

Be Honest

Evil



I need to know something. I need to know! Am I like the Miles character from Sideways? Am I him? AM I HIM?!

Self-Destruction Hall Of Fame

Self-Destruction Hall Of Fame 

Manolo Gives You A Tip

If you are eating Tostitos and the Salsa falls on your shirt, tuck it in before you go out or you will look like an idiot.

Self-destructive things said over dinner

Evil

I had dinner with XTIAN, KenTak3, Gail, and Mr. Shoulders last night. One of us was saying self-destructive things all night long. It was very sad actually. So as to not hurt any feeling publicly, I won't say who it was... but I will share with you some things that were said:

• "Are you going to make me a rhinestone collar?"
  
• "I was sitting on the couch with my mentor (who doesn't like herself very much) and then her shirt buttons started to fly off."
  
• "I want to move to central Jersey."


• "Can I just impregnate a girl and start a normal life already??

Manolo Hates Something Too

You know what I hate...

I hate when I take off my pants and my penis all of a sudden sticks out the little hole in my boxers...I understand my penis might feel like it has just been released from prison and wants to say "Hey People, I am free!!." I don't know if its the lack of a full erection or the fabric of the boxers itself but you are only able to see the tip, you know, the top 2-3 inches.

I guess I would feel better if my whole penis came out, if it showed itself in all its glory, but alas, it doesn't work that way...I guess prison does break the spirit...

Anyways, that's what I hate...

David Cross, Genius, second only to Dave Chappelle!

Proof Point 1

Explained!

this explains it...

I was an Enabler!

When I invited her to the game it was mostly out of desperation. Not that she's not cute, far from it, She's really cute. Vexingly cute really. But none of that matters, I just need to leave people at work alone on the dating front. Its a new rule. I don't need any confusion and if things do work somewhat positively (and that doesn't happen all that often) at best I've ended up with a reasonably cool friend...

Due to some complications associated with IM communications my original plan to go with a buddy from work, VB, was blown up. He thought I was talking about a client event I was talking about two tickets I had secured from a fellow co-worker...things went south from there. Not knowing what to do, I circled thru a number of friends and could not find anyone available the next evening. A business related conversation with my sales specialist openned the option of redemption. It was set, we were going to the game together, me with my perky sales specialist with a great body and amazing hair...my subconscious, or the master chef had set out the ingredients for his recipe of disaster...

When I saw her, I knew I was in trouble, B-Shah called her sloppy cute one day and the description was apt. Mostly i ignore what B-Shah says on most subjects about other women, because she's a total hater, but in this case she's right. She is sloppy cute. Unlike another girl in my office, a string of pearls would look disingenuine on her, almost like part of a costume. Anyway, her top was quite revealing and exposed quite a bit, enough that i spent most of the evening with my eyes pointing towards the ground, trying to revisit the nip slips of a few days prior...

The game itself was great, Yankee Stadium can't be beat. VB even stepped up and got us closer to the action, about 5 rows from the third baseman. My friend was overwhelmed and a little too impressed. That last part disappointed me a bit...

Yes I was here with a pretty girl and yes we sort of work together, but no this was not a date. I was clear on that and everyone accpeted this except VB who, you gotta love him, is a big kid sometimes. Of course, during a break he came back to where we were sitting and said something like "i'm going to mess up his game" to the people he was sitting with. I was slightly mortified and watched my game drift off its course. She (acted like she) had no idea what was going on..

I had just spent the last 30 minutes explaining to her that he was just looking back at us probably to goof on me about something that happened earlier in the day rather than amusing himself by checking where my hands, her hands, our faces were at any given moment.

On the subway platform at Yankee Stadium I noticed she was cold and fought off the urge to keep her warm with a hug for a few minutes before finally relenting just as the downtown train approached...

I dropped her off at her door, the pretense of getting a pizza slice providing the excuse. she kissed me on the cheek and bolted for the door, I turned and walked away briskly as it was starting to rain. However, in the reflection of a glass i saw her sprint back out for a second, think better of it and turn back towards her door.

The next day, I IMed iwth my buddy and aggressively called him a cockblocker...
His sole defense...
"I was an enabler!"

yeah right dude!

I let things be...

I thought nothing of it, till she started drunk texting me several days later at around 1am while at her friends party, basically telling me to come out...Given my track record it will still all translate into something pretty meaningless

One thing I hate about NY in the Summer

There are somethings I love about NY in the summer. I like the heat. Actually, I hate hte heat, but I always nod at the heat because I get it and it was captured in a song perfectly. New York by U2.


In New York summers get hot well into the hundreds
You can walk around the block without a change of clothing
Hot as a hair dryer in your face
Hot as handbag and a can of mace
New York, I just got a place in New York
New York, New York


I really like that song, and the heat makes me think of it, so at the end of the day I don't hate the heat. But its a passing moment, the I sweat thru my shirt and then I hate the heat...

I really love that the city empties out, that I can walk into any bar or restaurant, that it's basically my city. I wake up, put on some shorts, throw on a top hat and fetch my cane and walk around like a pimp profiting well from his hoes...

What I hate though, what i absolutely hate:
Are these random street fairs that spontaneously happen everywhere and they are always generating noise and its always like "what the hell?" sor ot of thing and they are completely useless, i mean what the hell are they selling exactly? Nothing useful thats for sure



and another thing, how do they always manage to make a crappy falafel?

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

DAVES BACK!

WHEW

The Return of the Kicked Puppy

One of my great friends in life made this great observation about me:

We were drunk (of course)

"[My last name, she always called me by my last name, her smokey voice, pronouncing it properly, with the accents in the right place], you know what your problem is?"

"which problem exactly, i have a few?"

"you're like a dog thats been kicked too much. It seems to me that you just love people for not kicking you."

I think, finally, on the cusp of my 29th year, I am getting past this...

The boyfriend is out (she's a girl but she's emotionally closed off and a poor communicator, so a co-worker and I have taken to calling her the boyfriend).
There's only enough room for one emotional waste land around here and thats me sister. You're out. I don't care what Ivy League University almost awarded you a PhD, you're young minded and wack.

Of course the day I took this massive step forward, a total "I choose me" moment if you will, I managed to find a way to take several steps back. Unfortunately the victim of my pathology is unsuspecting and undeserving. she's been a subject here before. She was also what this was all about.

We were getting coffee and i said something, who knows what. She gave me half a look. It's what she does. She doesn't always challenge, but when she does its sort of fun, in a sick way. I pounced on that look and probed...under her breathe she relented that she did not always know what I was talking about or if sometimes, I didn't have some sort of agenda. I hated myself a little, more than a little for once again confusing this girl.

All she needs is a friend., apparently no more than one at work, because she puts zero effort into trying to make any others there. For self defeating reasons of her own, she chose me and she pays for her folly every so often, mostly when i'm drunk or just in need of being a dick.

Before 10am, before she jumps on a conference call, i remind her of my limitations. She puts the reciever down and looks at me saying something like

"I can't believe you just said that to me just as I'm about to do this conference call"

some other words are exchanged. she picks up the reciever again and says something like

"Sometimes, i feel like I'm part of some psychology experiment you're running"

My heart breaks. I can't even do intense right anymore. Now its like I just want to apologize and crawl into a ball under the table.

I committed myself righ then and there to do better and get over myself, I'm her overprotective brother and it blows her mind everytime I give into my baser instincts and come on to her. It's completely unacceptable, even I feel like a dick afterwards...

I'll betray her trust again. That's just me. Its what I do. Poor girl...

Grilled Meat

On Sunday, I went over to KenTak's house to hang out with him, the GF and their gay dog Bruno. I brought along MikeT just because he did not seem to be doing much and also I figured bruno would crush hard on Mike's shaved head and plaid shirt. Totally nailed that one too...

KenTak apparently has not upgraded his OS for the summer, because his grilling skills were severely lacking. The GF of course, delivered across a number of dimensions. Baking cookies, keeping me from stepping on Bruno's doody rag and generally being a good hostess. The real hero of the day was Evil Twin 1 who showed up and dropped so BBQ-Fu that will be the talk of BBQs from NY to Boston for seasons to come. It got really interesting when she started flipping beef while doing the worm. WHAT TALENT!

Evil Twin #2 was also on sight. She and I had the best conversation.

her:"hey, how are you?"

me:"Great you?"

her:"I'm good!"

me:"really?"

her:"yeah why?"

me:"I read your blog"

her:"oh yeah...so you know how I'm really doing"

me: "right..."

her:"i'm ok. Things are getting better"

Our conversation moved on to what we have been up to for the last several months at one point i started something with "And then in Miami..."...She cut me off with a "oh yeah that was a great blog entry. I liked the part where..." I tuned her out...whats the point of talking when we can BLOG!

Not much else happened, I ate, there was a food coma, for some reason MTV came on and we settled into TRUE LIFE : I'M A JERSEY SHORE GIRL

There was one really friggin annoying guy there, who upon hearing that Evil Twin 2 was leaving her job went into this diatribe about the increasing demands by the market that large corporations divest of businesses and focus on core competencies, and somehow tried to analogize it to ET2 quiting a crappy lawyer job for a better one with more money. MikeT not know what to make of that said something sarcastic like "that was the most insightful thinking on business trends I've heard in quite some time, should I put that in my next analyst report?"

I wondered if someone left an economist at this dude's bbq. what a tool?

Musings on Revenge of the Sith...(SPOILER ALERT)

I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out why Yoda quits towards the end of Revenge of the Sith. Why do he and Obi Wan agree that the only strategy is a retreat? Obi Wan has defeated Vader. Surely together Yoda and Obi Wan could stand against the Dark Lord, Siddious. I cam up with an idea that worked for me, you guys let me know what you think. When Shaft almost killed Palpatine, it was obvious to me that he used anger and darkness that he was in fact on the path towards the Dark Side. It’s an eerie foreshadowing to the same scene in Return of the Jedi, where Luke on the verge of defeating the Emperor was on the verge of succumbing to the dark side. Is it true then that any Jedi in order to defeat a true dark lord has to access the dark side, that there must always be a balance between the light and the dark, that there must always be a Dark Lord?

Vader is the fulcrum in both scenes. In RotS, he kills Shaft, thereby cementing his position as one of the two dark lords. In RotJ he kills the Emperor and thereby finally ending the reign of the Sith by keeping his son from succumbing to the dark side. The fact that Vader then dies naturally is the only cause for the end of the dark side, no Jedi had to access the darkness to defeat him. Also when you line these scenes up against each other, you realize that Vader is truly the focal point of the series. Lucas has often pointed out that the 6 films when viewed together are essentially the redemption of Anakin Skywalker. The crucial decision, the one he makes the “wrong choice: in RotS he handles quite differently in RotJ. What’s funny is that I don’t think Vader ever gives up the dark side. Vader, when he throws the Emperor over the scaffolding still working from a fear of loss, loss of his son. As Yoda, accurately points out fear of loss is a path towards the dark side. So I challenge Lucas’ set up of this series as the redemption of Anakin. Yes he “undoes” the damage he does by saving Luke, but he never finds his way to the Light of the Force, he uses the same tools he always used, anger, passion, frustration. I might be revisiting an old inconsistency here.

So viewed from this lens, we understand what’s happening. We understand that Yoda and Obi Wan can’t take the fight to the Emperor directly; doing so will take them to the Dark Side. The New Hope, then is that Vader’s son will somehow be able to influence Vader’s actions so he can fulfill his destiny and restore the light to the force.

Btw, it seems to me that Siddious explains to us the origin of Vader. It seems to me that Siddious’ master is this fellow he mentions to Anakin when he is attempting to seduce him to the Dark Side; the one who can manipulate midiclorians to shape life. Assuming Siddious is the pupil who kills that Dark Lord then we can now clearly account for the origin of Anakin.

Many were confused by the implication that Anakin was conceived immaculately. It’s the one counter point to Jon-El’s reasonably well thought out theory that Lucas fundamentally posits that science is the new religion in the second trilogy by trying to explain away the force as scientific fact like gravity, much unlike the earlier trilogy where it is all masked in mysticism. I actually think it’s a little different. I think he’s saying that the decay of society can most quickly be noticed in the decay of the knowledge that this society wields. The society in the Classic Star Wars Trilogy is most clearly in decay and as a result, a culture has re-emerged where the unknown rather than be properly explored is now simply mystified.

Cross/Up Selling

My first post on Ordinal Rule is up. You can read it by clicking here.

PLUS

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Miami and other Gayness

At the airport, while waiting for the plane, I really didn’t know how the weekend would end up. I had no idea how much or how little sleep I would get. I had no idea if I had packed appropriately for the weather. I didn’t even know if I was flying down by myself or not. Jon-El was had been vacillating all week on whether or not he would appear, at last check he was not. But really, who was to say with any certainty.

Read more about xTian and Manolo in Miami here.

Manolo Gets Motivated

Did anybody watch the Simpsons or Family Guy this weekend? I must have stopped the shows 4-5 times because I was laughing so hard...

In the last episode of the Simpsons, Bart gets kicked out of Springfield elementary and they are having a family discussion around the dinner table and how they are going to have to send him to private school.

Then Homer goes:

“And if you get kicked out of that one, you are going straight into the army where you will be sent straight to America’s latest quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything is possible with Commander Cuckoo Bananas in charge.”

HAHAHAHA!!!!

Then, in Family Guy, the neighbors were having a discussion outside when all of a sudden; a giant chicken appears out of nowhere. The giant chicken and Peter Griffin then spend the next 10 minutes fighting all over town…he finally defeats the giant chicken, and appears all beaten up to renew the discussion he was having with his neighbors like nothing happened.

Hah! They are freaking geniuses…Where do they come up with that stuff?

I remember that there was one time where Xtian and Evil were trying to take the Hose of its doldrums existence and started targeting MTV and VH1 executives via personalized ads in Google. I don’t think it went anywhere as it seems the executives were not vain enough to “Google” themselves…what's wrong with them? How can we be part of “Best Week Ever” or “When _______ ruled the World” if we are still relying on metrics from the old hey-days of the dot com era? Eyeballs? Unique visitors? Wtf?

Anyways, the point of the story it’s that the Hose lacks such geniuses and everything at the Hose seems falls on my shoulders…I just hope that my discussions with Xtian this weekend and this post are a rallying cry for somebody to think outside the box...

Coming up next month: Top 10 Hose Posts (as voted by our readers)

A distinguished panel consisting mainly of ME will decide on 20-25 posts. Our readers will vote on them at a latter date via electronic voting (e-mail). These votes will then be discarded to the trash bin. I, in conjuction with my politically appointed cronnies will finally decide on the top 10 posts...