Manolo Gives You A Tip

If you are eating Tostitos and the Salsa falls on your shirt, tuck it in before you go out or you will look like an idiot.

Self-destructive things said over dinner

Evil

I had dinner with XTIAN, KenTak3, Gail, and Mr. Shoulders last night. One of us was saying self-destructive things all night long. It was very sad actually. So as to not hurt any feeling publicly, I won't say who it was... but I will share with you some things that were said:

• "Are you going to make me a rhinestone collar?"
  
• "I was sitting on the couch with my mentor (who doesn't like herself very much) and then her shirt buttons started to fly off."
  
• "I want to move to central Jersey."


• "Can I just impregnate a girl and start a normal life already??

Manolo Hates Something Too

You know what I hate...

I hate when I take off my pants and my penis all of a sudden sticks out the little hole in my boxers...I understand my penis might feel like it has just been released from prison and wants to say "Hey People, I am free!!." I don't know if its the lack of a full erection or the fabric of the boxers itself but you are only able to see the tip, you know, the top 2-3 inches.

I guess I would feel better if my whole penis came out, if it showed itself in all its glory, but alas, it doesn't work that way...I guess prison does break the spirit...

Anyways, that's what I hate...

David Cross, Genius, second only to Dave Chappelle!

Proof Point 1

Explained!

this explains it...

I was an Enabler!

When I invited her to the game it was mostly out of desperation. Not that she's not cute, far from it, She's really cute. Vexingly cute really. But none of that matters, I just need to leave people at work alone on the dating front. Its a new rule. I don't need any confusion and if things do work somewhat positively (and that doesn't happen all that often) at best I've ended up with a reasonably cool friend...

Due to some complications associated with IM communications my original plan to go with a buddy from work, VB, was blown up. He thought I was talking about a client event I was talking about two tickets I had secured from a fellow co-worker...things went south from there. Not knowing what to do, I circled thru a number of friends and could not find anyone available the next evening. A business related conversation with my sales specialist openned the option of redemption. It was set, we were going to the game together, me with my perky sales specialist with a great body and amazing hair...my subconscious, or the master chef had set out the ingredients for his recipe of disaster...

When I saw her, I knew I was in trouble, B-Shah called her sloppy cute one day and the description was apt. Mostly i ignore what B-Shah says on most subjects about other women, because she's a total hater, but in this case she's right. She is sloppy cute. Unlike another girl in my office, a string of pearls would look disingenuine on her, almost like part of a costume. Anyway, her top was quite revealing and exposed quite a bit, enough that i spent most of the evening with my eyes pointing towards the ground, trying to revisit the nip slips of a few days prior...

The game itself was great, Yankee Stadium can't be beat. VB even stepped up and got us closer to the action, about 5 rows from the third baseman. My friend was overwhelmed and a little too impressed. That last part disappointed me a bit...

Yes I was here with a pretty girl and yes we sort of work together, but no this was not a date. I was clear on that and everyone accpeted this except VB who, you gotta love him, is a big kid sometimes. Of course, during a break he came back to where we were sitting and said something like "i'm going to mess up his game" to the people he was sitting with. I was slightly mortified and watched my game drift off its course. She (acted like she) had no idea what was going on..

I had just spent the last 30 minutes explaining to her that he was just looking back at us probably to goof on me about something that happened earlier in the day rather than amusing himself by checking where my hands, her hands, our faces were at any given moment.

On the subway platform at Yankee Stadium I noticed she was cold and fought off the urge to keep her warm with a hug for a few minutes before finally relenting just as the downtown train approached...

I dropped her off at her door, the pretense of getting a pizza slice providing the excuse. she kissed me on the cheek and bolted for the door, I turned and walked away briskly as it was starting to rain. However, in the reflection of a glass i saw her sprint back out for a second, think better of it and turn back towards her door.

The next day, I IMed iwth my buddy and aggressively called him a cockblocker...
His sole defense...
"I was an enabler!"

yeah right dude!

I let things be...

I thought nothing of it, till she started drunk texting me several days later at around 1am while at her friends party, basically telling me to come out...Given my track record it will still all translate into something pretty meaningless

One thing I hate about NY in the Summer

There are somethings I love about NY in the summer. I like the heat. Actually, I hate hte heat, but I always nod at the heat because I get it and it was captured in a song perfectly. New York by U2.


In New York summers get hot well into the hundreds
You can walk around the block without a change of clothing
Hot as a hair dryer in your face
Hot as handbag and a can of mace
New York, I just got a place in New York
New York, New York


I really like that song, and the heat makes me think of it, so at the end of the day I don't hate the heat. But its a passing moment, the I sweat thru my shirt and then I hate the heat...

I really love that the city empties out, that I can walk into any bar or restaurant, that it's basically my city. I wake up, put on some shorts, throw on a top hat and fetch my cane and walk around like a pimp profiting well from his hoes...

What I hate though, what i absolutely hate:
Are these random street fairs that spontaneously happen everywhere and they are always generating noise and its always like "what the hell?" sor ot of thing and they are completely useless, i mean what the hell are they selling exactly? Nothing useful thats for sure



and another thing, how do they always manage to make a crappy falafel?

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

DAVES BACK!

WHEW

The Return of the Kicked Puppy

One of my great friends in life made this great observation about me:

We were drunk (of course)

"[My last name, she always called me by my last name, her smokey voice, pronouncing it properly, with the accents in the right place], you know what your problem is?"

"which problem exactly, i have a few?"

"you're like a dog thats been kicked too much. It seems to me that you just love people for not kicking you."

I think, finally, on the cusp of my 29th year, I am getting past this...

The boyfriend is out (she's a girl but she's emotionally closed off and a poor communicator, so a co-worker and I have taken to calling her the boyfriend).
There's only enough room for one emotional waste land around here and thats me sister. You're out. I don't care what Ivy League University almost awarded you a PhD, you're young minded and wack.

Of course the day I took this massive step forward, a total "I choose me" moment if you will, I managed to find a way to take several steps back. Unfortunately the victim of my pathology is unsuspecting and undeserving. she's been a subject here before. She was also what this was all about.

We were getting coffee and i said something, who knows what. She gave me half a look. It's what she does. She doesn't always challenge, but when she does its sort of fun, in a sick way. I pounced on that look and probed...under her breathe she relented that she did not always know what I was talking about or if sometimes, I didn't have some sort of agenda. I hated myself a little, more than a little for once again confusing this girl.

All she needs is a friend., apparently no more than one at work, because she puts zero effort into trying to make any others there. For self defeating reasons of her own, she chose me and she pays for her folly every so often, mostly when i'm drunk or just in need of being a dick.

Before 10am, before she jumps on a conference call, i remind her of my limitations. She puts the reciever down and looks at me saying something like

"I can't believe you just said that to me just as I'm about to do this conference call"

some other words are exchanged. she picks up the reciever again and says something like

"Sometimes, i feel like I'm part of some psychology experiment you're running"

My heart breaks. I can't even do intense right anymore. Now its like I just want to apologize and crawl into a ball under the table.

I committed myself righ then and there to do better and get over myself, I'm her overprotective brother and it blows her mind everytime I give into my baser instincts and come on to her. It's completely unacceptable, even I feel like a dick afterwards...

I'll betray her trust again. That's just me. Its what I do. Poor girl...