Found In Patagonia - Car Crash Circa 1932?

Radio Silence

Things are getting out of control in China. Now that I have linked to this article, I am pretty sure Evil won't be able to report back from Beijing.

How prostitution works in Shanghai

"Ok, let's play a game"

"Ummm... like Beirut or Flip Cup?" Clearly I was confused. The fellow I was with had been in Shanghai for 4 months, and was here on an expat assignment. He was clearly amused by whatever trick he was about to show me.

"No, no...Look over at the bar. What do you see?"

I looked past the loud Australians, just past some confused Americans on holiday and to the left of the Shanghainese fashionista couples to look at the bar. A row of well heeled, classy women sat at the bar, scanning the room.

"Several bored women"

"they aren't bored. They are waiting."

"For?"

"Some are part of the house, they work here and come sit next to you so you can buy them drinks and what not, thus running up your tab. Others, do not work work for the place. They work for themselves. They offer you a massage back at your hotel and then, after a little haggling, its good to go"

My host was enjoying himself too much. I pointed out that I could not tell which was which and besides i was fine drinking a low ball. This was a really nice bar, very upscale. I was surprised this went down here. Oh well...when in Rome

"you're a putz"

Phrase I need to learn to say in Mandarin ASAP: Part 1

"Please do not hit a pedestrian on my account

Phrase I need to learn to say in Mandarin ASAP: Part 2

"How much for an additional hour?"

Maine attractions (get it?)

Catjjy and I are ditching The Cha this weekend and heading to Maine for a wedding. He is very broken up about it, but we are excited about seeing the Killer B’s.

In researching establishments to hit while we are there, Killer B 1 came across a topless donut shop. It is actually part of a strip club, but it is open from 6am to 11am. Presumably, you buy the donuts from topless girls. This raises a host of questions.

Toplessness is generally a good thing, when applied to attractive women (like the readers of this blog). Donuts are certainly a good thing. Combining the two just might be brilliant. Consumers have shown a willingness to buy their coffee in an attractive Starbucks coffeeshop, even though the exact same Starbucks brew is available for $1 less at the gas station. Will people pay $1.50/donut at the topless place, versus $0.50/donut at the regular donut store? And if so, do you have the most profitable donut store ever?

Or does the whole thing fall apart when you combine toplessness and food service? Are we all a bit squeamish about half naked people handling our food? And perhaps more importantly, do you lose the interest of your audience when you replace the highly-engineered titillation of a strip club at midnight with the mundane everydayness of an operating donut shop at 7am? Is the same topless girl just as sexy doing a pole dance to throbbing R. Kelly beats as she is, say, sweeping up the area where someone dropped a tray full of bearclaws?

I suspect Catjjy and Killer B 2 will veto an early morning run to this particular donut shop, but we will try to get our friend The Cock to check it out and report back. In the meantime, are there any other business models whose profitability could be greatly enhanced by simply removing the employees’ shirts?

Head Trauma

On Saturday I went hiking with the Killer Bs and 5ft tall Korean girl who curses like a sailor.

It was a fairly interesting hike. I recommend it. What I do not recommend is walking into a tree, which I did. Bad idea. Further, its a horrible idea to expect Killer B #2 to be any help at all. As I walked into the tree, I made a fairly loud noise which was met by a shriek that would have woken the dead, not from me though, but from her. I had to interrupt my own dramatic attempt to writhe around in pain with a plea for calmness. It sounded like this

"Ouch...please relax"

then I went back to writhing around in pain...

Manolo Goes On Vacation (Midwest Style) - Day 0-1

(Editor’s Note: In my last post, I started telling all of you how I went to visit some old friends of mine up in Rochester, MN. Its big claim to fame is that the town is the home of the Mayo Clinic where my friends are doctors. This is a recap of Day 0-1 of the trip)

I finally get to Ike & Ella’s house where my friend Ike gives me the nickel and dime tour and shows me to the room where I am going to be staying. As soon as you walk in, you know my friend Ella had a hand in it. You see, my friend Ella is a neat freak. She is super clean. Everything is into little neat piles. She probably won’t admit it but I think she even irons the baby’s diapers.

After my long flight and I just want to get to bed but that can’t happen until I spend at least 5 minutes taking all the pillows down from the bed. I finally hop into bed where I then have to fight with the sheets. Those sheets are tucked in as tight as Yakov’s behind on Castro Street…

I wake up and decide to take one of my weekly baths. I ask for some soap and my friend Ella gives me one of those shower gels. She seemed to have memorized the packaging because as she hands it to me, she tells that the soap is for clean skin that looks and feels soft and healthy. She tells me that it provides abundant, creamy lather and contains nourishing vitamin E, pro-vitamin B5, white tea and shea butter. It is also designed to work with the warmth and humidity of the shower to maximize the moisture delivered to your skin and leaves skin feeling soft and smooth long after you leave the shower. Also, its vanilla fragrance transports you to a place of deep comfort. What the hell! Just give me a damn solid bar of soap woman…

Anyway, I spend the day playing with the baby and the neighborhood kids until the evening when we go to the “fancy” Mexican restaurant in town (by the way, there is only one other Mexican restaurant in town) to meet up with a friend who is having a going away party and was moving back to Ecuador (they are everywhere. I think Ecuadorians are worse than Mexicans). I engage in conversation with two young ladies who had joined the festivities a bit later than everybody else. We were never formally introduced but a friend of my friend is a friend of mine…

I was regaling them with stories about my life in Miami and how close my place is to the beach and how I went to Ike & Ella’s wedding in Peru and how you wouldn’t need any Viagra in Lake Titicaca (hehehe…Titicaca). I can yarn a pretty good tale when I want and they were eating everything up. How could they not? I was a burst of fresh air in that 2 Mexican restaurant town…

At one point, we were posing for pictures and I licked the Japanese girl by mistake…when she didn’t recoil in horror or anything, I took it as a sign that things were going well. The conversation on the table then drifted to the oncoming county fair. I mentioned that the 5 story corn (tallest structure in town) looks like a freaking dildo. The two young ladies smiled and giggled like silly little schoolgirls…then they mentioned that sometimes “corn” is all you have to do in that town. That was the second sign and I knew then it was on….I went in for the kill and told them I couldn’t wait for them to take me out in the town and show me what they usually do with “corn”.

They were going dancing that night and invited me to come along. We were expected somewhere else and not to seem overly anxious, I told them I wouldn’t join them that night since but that I would see them later in the week….Everyone went their separate ways…A day or two days later, when I asked my friend Ike for the girls info, he told me he didn’t know them. He asked his other friends…they didn’t know them either. It seems that the only person who knew them was incommunicado on his way to a forsaken South American country and would remain so during my stay...I never found out what they did with "corn" in Rochester, MN.

P.S. - Later in that same evening, and in the most interesting turns of events, I proposed to a man. He made the most delicious and well seasoned steak I have ever had and in a moment of orgasmic ecstasy, I proposed marriage…I never got a reply...

A Trip to Maine with the Evil Twins and the Balls Family

On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
So I had a great time this past weekend. I'll admit I was scared sh*tless when we got in the car and you started yelling at me. I was like "oh crap. This whole weekend is going to be me getting yelled at by ET1? Plus, I forgot to bring my checkbook and I owe ET2 for the flight"

Why were you yelling at me again? I forget...I do remember that ET2 AND EVIL knew you would be pissy with me and did not warn me so I could deal with it in the appropriate way.
On 8/7/07, ET #1 wrote:
I was yelling at you because you had not responded to any of my emails the week before.

On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
This is the start of our process homey. Reply again but be more expansive. tell me about being sick the week before and you know if you encountered any issues picking up the car or what you did while you waited for our plane to take off an land...that sort of thing

On 8/7/07, ET #1 wrote:
Maybe we should back up this tale to two weeks ago. You send this enigmatic e-mail to the Lobsterfest posse: whats the deal with lobsterfest? can i show up and crash with et#2 and et#1?

I replied that of course you could crash with us, but if you want your own bed could please call the B&B to see if they have cots. I give you the name of the place and the website to expedite things. You reply that was too much work, and then proceed to send out a mass email lamenting you have no where to stay when we get up there. Mahoney takes charge and finds room for you.

Then you complain you don't know how you will get there. So I email that you can ride with us. I also say please email back if you need the ride because then I will upgrade from the original economy car we were going to get and to also tell me where you are flying into so I know if I am picking you up from Boston or Portland. Once again no reply. Instead now I get an email from ET#2 that she bought your ticket.

Actually the only email you ever sent back to me was the one saying that you brought music for the ride. So I told Evil and ET#2 that you were a lazy SOB.

On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
ET #1

I see. That's a pretty scathing indictment. I'm not sure what to say. Other than to remind you that as a man its my prerogative to be uncommunicative and that I'm very sorry.
Besides, Balls independently committed to me that this was all an non-issue and that we could make it work. I was not worried. Further, your pro activity in securing a larger car made the whole ride much more pleasant...

Also I am very happy that you can be bought off with colorful Malaysian desserts. That dinner at that restaurant was pretty good. I had a great time.

I was also really excited you liked Jenny Owen Youngs...she rocks doesn't she. I don't care that ET #2 got annoyed that I kept playing her album over and over. It's what I do.

You're not as bad a driver as advertised. Aside from not being aware of the invention of the "one way" you are super serviceable...

On 8/7/07, ET #1 wrote:
Thanks, Xtian. Besides my family, you may be the only person on the world that would not put me under the Asian woman driving stereotype.

I am slightly confused with you invoking "manly prerogatives," considering all the decidedly unmanly comments of the weekend: "Jem, truly outrageous," "I am a B&B guy," and your love of emotive women folk singers.

Gosh, we really did talk a lot about feelings on the drive up to Maine. Didn't feel like three sorority sisters on spring break?

On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
et tu, ET #1?

As "sorority sisters" you have to do your part to keep up the facade that I perpetuate that I am all man....

J.O.Y. is awesome in concert. Yes her songs are emotive but she also makes BJ jokes all the way and generally shows up drunk. For her last show (at Joe’s pub) she showed up dressed like a boxer with a dude banging on bagpipes and a ring card girl in a little bikini and everything. It was awesome...

Moving on, that lobster was great. I don't know if it was obvious but I am not in the habit of working for my food. Grapes with seeds etc...Who needs it. But I really enjoyed the whole energy around cracking lobsters and what not. Did you see me hit sherry with all that lobster meat? It was so much fun. That picture of you and I revving up to eat lobsters is awesome.

Also, Jem is truly outrageous.

On 8/7/07, ET #1 wrote:
Aren't you glad you coordinated outfits with Balls before you came? The blue blazer might have gotten in the way and drenched in lobster juice and melted butter. But your sexy black t-shirt was able to stretch and move with your Herculean motions to crack the lobster shells.

There was a lot of exercising this weekend. First and foremost we did exercise our jaw muscles and our digestive tracts with the massive amounts of carnie food. Then there was all that walking around the faire, climbing walls, running 10ks, winning whack-a-mole. Oh wait that was me.

The one activity we all did was people watching. What did you think about typical New Englanders? Not counting the crazy Chinese doctor woman.


On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
I have no clue about a lot of things. One of the things I have no clue about is the variance of people in New England. I understand Balls and his family, but there is even variance in that. I have only been to Nantucket (Brahman style) and Boston (preppie white boy style) so who knew I could go to Maine and see down home folk. So I would have thought a blue blazer appropriate. What do we when we get to the country club? Should I bring my tennis racket?

I like down home folk...except for the ones missing teeth. They scare me.

What was up with that B&B owner. She was weird. "I am from Philadelphia" she said with no irony whatsoever. Even as she pronounced spelled and spoke with a British accent. Wierdo...



On 8/8/07, ET #1 wrote:
Never really got to talk to her. I asked her for a banana in the morning and she seemed extremely annoyed. S and V told me that she was kind of a sour person, except when you and Mrs. Mahoney were chatting her up.

But the weather was too nice that morning to let an encounter with any weird pseudo British woman ruin it. The sun was shining and it was 75 degrees outside, and yummy Moody's diner in our tummy. We even cracked open a new driving mix cd for the ride home.

Were you conscious for any of that ride back?


On 8/8/07, xTian wrote:

Barely. I got a call from a friend who wanted to talk and I just was no game. I asked the same question 3-4 times.

Later I emailed her and apologized. She admitted she thought I was high and cut it short. Maybe I was...but on shellfish...ew

Manolo Goes On Vacation (Midwest Style) - Day 0

I have done quite an amount of travel and to this day, I don’t know how to pack. I usually start throwing stuff in the couch about a week before and let it pile up until I have a critical mass of rags…The night before (usually on the wee hours) I start assembling at least two outfits (day/evening) for each day I am going to be away.

The next step it’s to actually fold the clothes so they fit in the suitcase…that’s usually a problem. Problem is that I am a big muscular guy and my clothes do take certain amount of space…I am not one of these petite Asian friends of mine whose tops fit in the palm of your hand once they are folded. I have never been able to properly fold my clothes. Somehow growing up, I chose not to learn…Just like two snowflakes are never the same; no two shirts of mine are ever folded the same way.

I leave work extra early so I can finish packing and arrive at the airport for my 9:00 PM flight. Of course, some people decided to have an accident on the highway and slow traffic to the pace of a centipede. I finally get to the airport and see the huge line of people waiting to check in. I point at them and laugh and proclaimed to friend dropping me off that e-tickets are so much easier loud enough for those in line to hear...

I proceed to use one of those fancy e-ticket machines. First one does not work. Second one does not work. They are all currently rebooting. I wait five minutes. The machines are still not working. After standing in line for ever, I finally get to the front and check in. It seems that my suitcase is 1 pound over the 50 pound limit. Seriously, dude, you are going to charge me $25 for 1 pound of stuff…I promptly remove my Costco size bottle of KY Jelly as well as other assorted toiletries and in an act of defiance I give it to the agent and loudly proclaimed “for you and your boyfriend.”

I think he put something about me in the system because when I asked at the gate if I could get bumped up to first class, I thought the agent would burst into tears.

Anyway, the flight was pretty uneventful…the highlights are as follows:

Flight Time: Flight to Minneapolis from Miami is supposed to be 3 hours and 35 minutes. Flight was delayed an hour and did not take off until 10:00 PM. Once we were up, I realized pilot was a wuss. He was afraid to go through some storms that were buffeting Minnesota so he made this huge roundabout through Iowa and the Dakotas. Total flight time including one hour delay (7 hours)

Reading Material: Skyscraper Dreams. Have been trying to read the book since April. Its a good book but only seem to be able to read a chapter a week. Switched to a really old copy of US Weekly someone left behind. It was all about Tom and Katie's wedding. Lots of celebrity pictures. Shocker article was how they did not invite Oprah...the nerve!

Service: it took the lady 344 seconds to find the whisky to go with my sprite. It was after midnight…where is my damn booze? Cost: four dollars

Personnel: we had two stewardesses. One took 11 minutes to respond to my buzzer and another 6 to find me a blanket. The other one looked like Gorbahev with tits. I was afraid to ask for another drink.

Grub: they no longer give you snacks on these flights. You could buy a bag of pretzels for $2 or a snickers bar for $3. I refuse to participate in their food monopoly and found nourishment in half a box of Nerds and 2 jolly ranchers.

Entertainment: CBS Eye on America (60 Minutes. David Letterman. Two and A Half Men and How I Met Your Mother). Seriously, I haven’t found one person that watches those shows.

Toilet: Not tested

Overall: 2 ½ stars out of 5