Thing I'm Going to Do Today

My mind is made up. I'm gonna do it. I've wanted to do this ever since I was young. I was always fascinated by this place, but never had a chance to go. Today I've got time and proximity on my side. It's gonna get done.

I'm going to the La Brea Tar Pits (though this photo already has me prepared to be underwhelmed).

I Never Feel Like This Guy

Couldn't he at least start losing his hair or something?

Thing I Did

Earlier this week I went through my personal email account and unsubscribed all sorts of random stuff. I thought that would make my life better, but it has just made me sadder. Turns out I don't get much meaningful email at all. Now most of the time when I check, there is nothing new waiting for me.

Should re-subscribe to the Walgreen's photo center? Or Equinox? Or Travel & Leisure Hot Deals? Or BasketjobsR'Us?

Native Americans Fuming Following GOP Response

Black Woman: Check
White Woman: Check
Military Guy: Check
Nerdy Asian: Check
White Guy in Charge: Check
Native American:

Things That Make Me Say Good Gravy!!!! $1.04 Edition

You have to hand it to the guys at Goldman Sachs - they've got their shit figured out. People can moan and complain all they want about fatcat bankers and Main Street vs. Wall Street and class divisions and all the other stuff - but you at least have to agree they've got their shit figured out.

A few years ago Sparks was a fatcat oil man literally swimming in the liquid gold Exxon treasury kept in an Olympic size pool underneath the Belt Parkway in Dallas. As you'll recall Exxon had some monster paydays because they had their shit figured out (or speculators drove the price of oil to irrational levels). Anyway, at the time, I did a little math - breaking profits down in a way that makes them easier to understand. So who wins? The Exxon of the oil bubble, or the Goldman Sachs of right now?
More...
Well, Goldman had 4Q profits of $4,790,000,000.00. Exxon had 2008 4Q profits of 11,680,000,000.00. Exxon wins? Not so fast.

Exxon is HUGE. They have a kabillion employees. They employ all of Texas, most of the middle East, some of Africa, and my little brother from the Delta-Pi chapter of Kappa Sigma. Goldman employs a comparative handful - most of whom are of dubious character (ahem, Shoulders? Le Trois?).

When viewed this way, Goldman wins - earning profits of $134,929.58 per employee for the quarter. Exxon, a paltry $111,556.83.

Now, $134K over a quarter is a little abstract.
So how about $1,499.22 per day?
Or $62.47 per hour?

Or $1.04 per minute? Every minute. Of Every hour, day and night. For every employee. GOOD GRAVY!!!!

Caption Contest - For Evil

Could you ask for more raw caption material? New Senator. Teen daughters. Clamshells!!

Have at it.

Thing I Like

The kids at PS22 in Staten Island rock out!!!! Here they kill some Journey:



And versatile enough to add Empire State of Mind to the repetoire as well.



They have a bunch more on YouTube from Lady Gaga to Eye of the Tiger, so go kill some time.

Things That Make Me Say Good Gravy!!!

Proving once again why the Wall Street Journal has my favorite sports section, today they report an analysis of what the coverage of a 3+ hour football game is. That is, how much are commercials, crowd shots, replays, reviews, cheerleaders etc. The real surprise for me, however - my GOOD GRAVY moment, was the amount of time players are actually playing. All told, there are about 11 minutes of action in an NFL game. GOOD GRAVY!!!! That's it?!?! Yup.

Consider most players only play on one side of the ball (and even then rarely every snap on offense or defense). All told, if a player stays healthy for 16 weeks, they might be active for just shy of 90 minutes all season. GOOD GRAVY!!!!!

I know it's not apples to apples, but this is about as much action as a rugby player would have in a single game (80 minutes).

I'm usually pretty defensive and dismissive of my English and Australian colleagues when they say American football is just guys standing around, but I guess this puts it in a new light.

Anyway. J - E -T - S jets jets jets

Alarming Anecdote of the Day

Last night I had dinner with a friend from Indiana. He's in town attending some sort of finance event where people like Carl Icahn talk all day as out-of-towners in the audience pretend to take notes while nursing their hangover with annoyingly small plastic juice cups. You know the drill.

Anyway, I went to dinner with him and a couple of fund managing kind of guys. I normally wouldn't expect much from these guys, but they both turned out to be very cool. We even had some friends in common. They seemed like normal, everyday, rational people. Both had kids and wives. Talked about sports with ease. Nothing odd here.

But then the most rational of them dropped this when the topic turned to the economy....

More...
He lives in a small town south of DC. His in-laws have a cabin on the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Following the meltdown last year, the first thing he did was buy a bunch of gold coins, and handgun, and some ammunition. Then, he went to the local airport where small private jets come and go and found a pilot+plane to fly his family out as soon as the world starts to end. So now he's got this standing arrangement. Pile of gold = get my family to the Upper Peninsula.

That freaked me out a bit, particularly since he's a really normal guy.

Anyone else out there have an end of days survival plan? I don't.

Question of the Day

Why do we bless people when they sneeze, but not when they cough?

I got caught in an awkward situation today when a co-worker made a noise, but it sounded like a cough/sneeze hybrid. Like a Griffin of head noises. A snough, I guess. Anyway, I didn't know how to react. Do I bless her or don't I. I didn't, but I'm still not sure it was the right call.

If we just blessed both coughs and sneezes my life would have been a lot easier today.

(not that it was a hard day. I am aware many many people had a much much worse day, for which I already donated to Oxfam to do my small part, thus making this rant about my tough day okay)

Old Me vs. New Me

Tonight I got home at 7:30. By 7:35 I was in my pajamas. 3 years ago this would have been unthinkable. I can think of only 1 person to blame/credit with my new lifestyle.

When KillerB2 and I first started living togegether, I was a wearing clothes around the house kinda guy. I only put my PJs on just before bed. She, on the other hand, was a GET ME OUT OF THESE CLOTHES kinda girl. I thought that was weird. It felt like surrender - like ending the day 4 hours early.

I'm here 3 years later to say she was right, especially this time of year. Here I sit, in my PJ pants, a t-shirt, and a blue cardigan sweater with buttons on the wrong side - comfy as could be.

I'd like to hear from the Hose crowd - especially the East Coasters dealing with the dark and the cold. Is there something therapeutic about about getting into your jammies as soon as you get home? Or are KillerB2 and I just sad?

Big News Day!!!

Wow, I went to an hour-long meeting, and come back to my desk to find that:
1) Mark McGwire admits to cheating, lying, and ruining a great sport
2) Sarah Palin gets a multi-year contract with Fox News. 24+ months of her political commentary and analysis! Score!!!
3) You (I) can finally buy a sex robot that focuses on appealing to the mind. Finally. I'm tired of all those sex robots that don't appeal to my mind.

Job I Didn't Know Existed

There has been a lot of talk in the news lately of this double agent who blew himself up in the presence of a CIA team. Terrible story.

Then, last night, there was an episode of The Office which featured a scene at the end where Dwight and the Nard Dog claim to be double agents. At which point I expected Michael to claim to be a triple agent, because that would be ridiculous. But he didn't. He also went with double agent (dropped the ball there Office writers).

Turns out it isn't so ridiculous. There are triple agents! From the most trusted source, Wikipedia: "A triple agent pretends to be a double agent for the target organization, but in fact is working for the controlling organization all along. Usually, they keep the trust of the target organization by feeding information to them that apparently is very important but is in fact misleading or useless."

I'm not sure how this is all that different than being an "agent" though. Seems like the double is offset by the triple, thus making it a single. Right? So I was really gobsmacked when I learned that there are quadruple agents too!!!!! That would be one tricky job.

Things That Make Me Say Good Gravy

Sitting here at home, wondering where KillerB2 is, watching Bristol Bay Brawl - basically The Most Dangerous Catch 2.0.

So these guys are fishing for herring, so they can sell the roe to Asian markets. Cool. They drive around the Bay, drop nets, haul fish, cuss, swear, etc.

After they've caught a bunch of fish, they haul it to a processing boat. When they do they get the weight, and value of their catch. Exciting!!!!

So this dude just rolled the dice, got a huge catch. 20 tons of herring. Good Gravy. He's gonna be rich. Sooooooo rich.

Value of 40,000 pounds of herring. $2500. Good Gravy!!!!! Mental note: keep up the high flying marketing, because herring fishing is the ass-end of money making.

Things I Do For Evil

After seeing Evil's early struggles in growing a Manuary beard, I decided to do something about it. Since I'm not a genetic scientist, I couldn't do anything about his lack of a beard, so I did the next best thing: I grew one for him. Here ya go pal.

Unfortunately I have a meeting tomorrow, so 12 hours from now this will be gone. If you like I can collect the shavings and send them your way. Let me know.

I doubt your #1 BFF did anything as thoughtful.

Congratulations Hawk!!!!!!!!

You're one of the best of all time. Next up, Shawon Dunston!!!!!!

Users Guide to Making up Words

As far as I can tell making up new words has been going on ever since word #1. I think it is really great that new words can be created, but I also think we need some ground rules. So here they are......


More...

People who CAN make up new words:
- Rappers

Can you imagine a world without fo' shizzle? I can't.

People who SHOULD not, ever, under any circumstances make up new words:
- Clergy
- Politicians
- Teachers
- Lastly, and most importantly, sports broadcasters.

Which brings me to my warning. If I'm ever with you, and I hear you say "trickeration", in any context, I will reflexively punch you.

I'm having nightmares about "trickeration" this football season. Some might say I should blame the wildcat offense, but that would be giving these idiots an out. The only thing that drives me even more mad is when there is "extracurricular" activity after a play - but of course that is a word.

Key take away: I hear you say "trickeration", there will be extracurricular action.

I like this song "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

When global warming turns my swampland into desert 30 years from now, I'm inviting all of you down and we'll have a dusty good time, just like these happy folk.

Redneck, not Yuppie

It was a big weekend in the KillerB's household. KillerB2 and I watched football, saw a movie, and conducted KillerB2's annual year end audit.

She has been doing this for several years, according to the spreadsheet she showed me, but this is the first year she has included me. Presumably a result of our marriage.

The spreadsheet is basically your standard balance sheet of assets and liabilities. As expected, I had a lot to contribute on the liability side - enough student loans to bankrupt a small nation. On the asset side I struggled. It turns out I don't really have assets aside from retirement accounts and the like. I don't own a car, I don't collect art, I drink whatever comes into the house, so there aren't any rare wines laying around - but under pressure to come up with something to fill those rows, the following 3 emerged as my most valuable tangible assets
More...

1) Pocket knife collection - rare Remington bullet series knives, and a few other odds and ends
2) Antique Winchester, over-under double barrel shotgun
3) 1.75 acres of surveyed but off-the-grid Florida swampland adjacent to Lake Okeechobee

The later I would not have included last year. Earlier this year, however, I received a letter from the Nature Conservancy offering to buy it from me. Turns out I'm fortunate enough to own land that 8 endangered species of birds call home. SCORE! Apparently my lot falls under their tier 1 priority. I learned this by Googleing my lot details, and found their planning document as a PDF. Negotiating 101: don't post your position online.

I didn't sell it though. I'm saving it to build my dream shanty on.

Knives + Guns + Swampland is basically the most perfect redneck formula ever. That's what I brought to the annual audit.

Pop Culture Images of the Decade

Do you guys remember when X-tian dyed his hair blonde, bought a 12 pack of white t-shirts and walked around with his arms folded for what seemed like an entire year? Well that year was 2000.

This, of course, is from the 2000 VMA's. The VMA's were a show people like us used to look forward to - like a Top Chef finale for the beginning of the decade.