we might need a clarification: is it sleave or sleeve? Or is just evolving over time, like language in general? Very nice
Festa Junina
I want to tell you all about my saturday but its a blur, I remember the part about running in the park and I remember walking into a clothing store and nearly getting talked into buying a shirt that was too small in the shoulders from the hotest girl ever with red highlights. I also recall starting the evening with myself and the Charles River Bandit hustling out of the house and heading to some chick's apartment in Morumbi. It should be pointed out that everyone here lives with their parents till they get married. I mention this not because it is relevant to my story but rather because its one of those interesting cultural differences which is subtle but kind of important. She is the friend of a friend of CRB's and we were all (me, CRB, his friend, and his friend's friend) going to go to a Festa Junina Party at a country club that someone was a member of. What is Festa Junina you ask? Well, it seems like it can best be described as a Hoe Down or something, right down to the honky talk band. There are also a lot of people walking around in stentsons and what not (although more than once I was amused to see people wearing Titlest golf hats and trying to fit in. hah! Country club people across the world unite). I asked repeated what Fest Junina was about and I got all sorts of answers from "some sort of celebration of a saint" to "a typical brazilian party that people in the country celebrate" to "it comes from the north" to "the celebration of the saint of weddings either Paulo or Antonio" to finally "I really don't know". The point was I was at a country club at a hoe down and there was square dancing and everything and at one point I turned to myself and said "christian, you are having great fun and all, but this is a hoe down in a country club. When did you sell out?" and i turned back to myself and said "friend, I sold out a long time ago. Kick back and enjoy it, babe". I then stepped away from the mirror and bought some hot wine. Again, I noticed with glee when the crowd roared as the music switched between Creedance Clearwater Revival towards Chubby Checker and then the music lost all consistency, which was fine by me.
After a while, I noticed things were awkward, then I realized it was just me. People here are all about random eye contact. People are always making eye contact. Looking across the dance floor you can make eye contact 10 times and it means nothing. Very odd. By 3, the event was dying down and we decided to investigate another party which was occuring near my place, someone had closed off the court yard and was having a huge party to celebrate the same event. It was great fun, but I was exhausted. PDA is pretty common by the way and CRB pointed it out to me constantly. I started taking note of some of it hoping to spy some girl on girl action. Instead i spotted this one incredibly tall, kinda of chubby girl making out with this dude quite intensely and jamming her hands down her pants. WOW! What!? Crazy. around 430 I realized I was almost asleep on my feet drinking hot wine and found my other party friends sitting somewhere near the stage, probably contemplating their pained feet. We agreed we were thru and that was it.
Monday, June 30, 2003
Sunday, June 29, 2003
Evil
SATURDAY OBSERVATIONS
One. My friend called to say she's running a little late and I say no sweat, I'll be waiting for you at 70th and Lex. I brought a book with me, some John Cheever because I am trying to be a more serious person, and I lean against the corner of a building to begin on chapter 4. Of course, I don't lean on the corner itself because who wants the corner of a building pointing right into your back; I lean against one of the flats but very close to the corner and before I am two paragraphs into chapter 4, people are running in to me. Sometimes they say sorry and sometimes I say sorry, but it is clear that both parties are annoyed, where the "sorry" is really a proxy for "fuck you, dickwad." I am thinking to myself, who are these people that they need to cut the corner so close? Are they Jeff Gordon? This is New York City and it seems to me that cutting a corner so closely is a dangerous proposition, I mean, someone, anyone, could easily have built a little wooden jig, stuck oh, a bayonette in it, and stationed it snugly at the corner of a block. I'm pretty sure that people would impale themselves at the rate of one a minute. I might toss this idea to one of those hidden camera shows.
Two. I can't get the terrorists out of my mind... specifically, those al-Qaeda training videos that they show on the news, where terrorist trainees are running an obstacle course in a desert somewhere, you know those videos, right?, and you've seen the part where the trainees are doing the monkey bars, right? MONKEY BARS? I can't get over how training on monkey bars is so unpractical for today's terrorism. I mean, when was the last time you, or anyone, had to navigate a set of monkey bars in New York City? The way I figure it, they should set up some subway turn-styles to duck under, some police barricades to hop over, and for good measure, a maze of velvet ropes to weave in and out of. Or whatever.
Three. Huge props to SLEAVE for really knowing how to throw a party on a roof. I am pretty sure I freaked out at least two girls there (WHY? I wish I knew!) but I managed to make it thru the nite without getting punched in the face. Which is not to say that EVERYONE was so lucky. SLEAVE has pictures! After my failed attempts at conversation with the C programmer girl from the Museum of Natural History and the girl wearing a t-shirt that had her own face on it ("Oh wait, that's NOT a picture of you?"... "No, it's not. You can't tell?"... "No".... "Are you serious?"... "Yes"... "Wow"... "Well, all white people look alike to me."), I found a better audience with some dude who might or might not have been Uday Hussein in a tan blazer.
Friday, June 27, 2003
Open questions
How many points do you loose off the Falling Apart Index if you start crying during a repeat of the season finale of Gilmore Girls
Say you cut yourself shaving in the morning (a lot, and for no reason at all...you almost loose a pint of blood) and you start blaming your dad (who is know in some circles as the Crazy Conejo Man) responsible for not teaching you how to shave, do you loose points off the FA Index for that?
Thursday, June 26, 2003
Snoop gone Wild
Snoop and "Girls Gone Wild" have ended their relationship. Apparenlty, Snoop is angry they aren't giving sisters enough love. I agree with Snoop, however I am unsure how many sisters there are in Panama City Florida...Also, I dunno, someone might have to fix me on this, but I am pretty sure that being a woman of color would prevent you from being white trash. Thank god for www.BangBus.com, which takes diversity much more seriously. Read about it here
Hammered
Last night, Endeavor had a happy hour and I rolled in with the boss. I knocked back about 8 choppis and sat there picking at some meat grilling on a little grill in front of me. I am going to guess its called Poquino, but i am unsure. All the eMBAs were there so it was pretty easy to get hammered. I was still a little hung over from the 7 Ciapirinhas (with sake and Kiwi, yum, yes its quite a poofy drink...leave me alone) from the night before so drinking was no where near as good an idea as I thought. Some chick there pretended she knew me from somewhere and I was only able to play along for about 5 minutes because i was drunk and had never been to San Diego. Eventuallly the Santos v Boca match came on and i watched some brazilians and argentinians call each other putas for 2 hours. I staggered out of the bar around 1230 with the Charles River Bandit in tow as we were walking towards a McDonalds (btw, McDonalds F*CK U!! for being where ever I get drunk...) The scene in the parking lot was straight out of the 2FAST 2FURIOUS so we decided to skip it. I staggered back to the hotel and had a rather loud conversation in poor portuguese with the bell hop about getting a fold out bed for my bud. That did not work out and i ended up on my couch watching some public access porn. I fell asleep thinking this was exactly what living in NY was like for 4 years and got slightly sad.
This morning I woke up slightly nasueus and kind of laughing at the Charles River Bandit, who passed out on my floor. I meditate on the fact that sleeping on floors and eating after midnight are cause to lose 5-10 pts a piece in the FA Index. I would also like to point out to sleave that whip its etc should be about a 25 pt deduction.
Evil
I've had a lot on my mind lately and one of those things is canned tuna fish. There's been a can of Bumblebee sitting on top of fridge for the last three months. I can't remember how it got there in the first place but all I know is that it looks a little out of place and that kind of stuff tends to bother me more than it would bother your average person. But even so, I never worked up the energy to move the can into the cupboard.
My apartment has been in the process of running out of food for a week now. It's like the fuel gauge in your car... it can be on "E" but you know there's gotta be something left. It's all a matter of degrees until you're really REALLY out. In the past week, I've found myself being quite pleased at scrounging up goodies like: half a bag of dried cranberries, a bar of semi-sweet baking chocolate, some pine nuts, a Powerbar, 4 slices of bacon, and almost an entire Chorizo. Good deal!
Today, I figured out that actually eating the contents of the tuna fish can would be a Win-Win: I wouldn’t need to fret over moving it any more... and also, I would be eating something. But then it occurred to me: HOW DOES THE TUNA STAY FRESH IN THAT CAN??? I mean, it's about 93 degrees and humid today. And also, it's FISH. Surely, that's not a good combination. I opened the can and sure enough, it smelled and tasted good as new. Who knew??? HOW DO THEY DO THAT? I am currently baffled by this situation.
(Note: This was written yesterday but I couldn't post it because Blogger was down.)
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
So apparently, Alien Ant Farm busted in on the BET Video Music Awards to film their new video "Fish out of Water". MTV has the story here. Pretty funny, imagine if it was the Source Awards, would ish have gone down?
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Evil
Just because I haven't posted today (until now), you might be relieved to know it's not because I couldn't muster enough motivation to roll out of bed. I assure you, I wasn't curled into the fetal position all morning and afternoon listening to Stern, followed by The Michael Kay Show on 1050am, followed by Mike and the Mad Dog on WFAN. That was yesterday. Today, my God Fearing Indian Friend is in town from Philly so we met up for breakfast. I wasted little time in hitting her up for Friendster friend-of-a-friend linkage, but all she gave me was a dirty look when I asked her if Jesus Christ is on her friends list. I need to link up to a better group of friends because judging by my current crew, you'd easily mistaken the site for Clownster or something to that effect.
(BTW- I had more to say about the COB's metrosexuality --HAHAHA-- but my original post was lost because either Blogger or God, or both, hates me.)
MetroSexual and Proud
I have gotten this article from this past Sunday's NY Times emailed to me three times so far. It was funny the first time then began to approach insulting. Guys, I have socks with holes in them. I can show you! Anyway, I figured I would share thoughts. Apparently, everyone has assigned me to this customer segment and after much internal debate I now embrace this non-gay definition of me. What is a metrosexual? Apparently its just a dude who doesnt think sweatpants are appropriate for any given occasion. It has nothing to do with sexuality, so the name is probably ill suited. Anyway, like I said nothing to do with sexuality so straight guys like me (and gay guys like EVIL) can all be part of the team.
The article lists the Bumpasaurus' boyfriend, Mr Posh Spice aka David Beckham, as the poster child of this crowd. Meanwhile, if you want a closer look a this crowd, you should check in with Sparkes. He is clearly ahead of me in line...
Monday, June 23, 2003
Wanted to send this official email announcing the birth of my son, Charles William Elliott. He was born on June 19 at 8:30 in the morning. He weighed in at a hefty 8 pounds 15 ounces and was 21 inches long. To those of you outside the loop, this has been a long anticipated event. I am very happy to have him here and I wait anxiously for the day when he will start to look like me. As it stands, he is currently a combination of Nicole and the mailman we had back east. Needless to say, I will be monitoring this situation closely. For those of you who know me best, you might want to save some cash for my bail…..just in case. He has shown strong signs of being an Elliott though. Just a few minutes ago, he blew his pamper out in a way only a shit taking connoisseur like my self could appreciate. Plus the fact that he keeps strange hours and always wants to suck on some titties. So, eat, shit suck titties then sleep. Yeah, we sound related.
Again for those of you outside the loop, I’m currently residing in Southern California (Not LA) and living a suburban lifestyle. It’s a nice change form the city and I spend most the majority of the time trying to convince my neighbors that the property values of their condos are not decreasing due to the fact that I’ve moved into the neighborhood but because the country as whole is going through a bad patch. But seriously, for the most part people have been nice. I’ve managed to find some friends who feel comfortable enough around me to say that they’d like to, ‘see a brother out on a surfboard’. I’m guessing they have yet to receive a copy of ‘Your new black friend’ I suspect that the post office too is going through a bad patch. For those of you who know me (especially Ed) you know that the chances of seeing me on a surfboard is just as likely as seeing a Yeti. By the way, I saw one. It’s currently hiding out in NYC. Nicole won’t let me capture it. Damn her, we could use that reward money.
I plan to chronicle my adventures out here. I just have to have some. I’m not sure, but I think it might mean my leaving the house.
Later, you people.
Evil
At one point while we were seniors in college, the COB pointed out to me that had we chosen to major in IEOR instead of CS, we could have done a Visual Arts minor on the side and STILL come out of college with the same job offers that we had. I blame this all on my academic advisor. A GOOD academic advisor should have said something like this:
Evil (freshman year): I'm thinking of majoring in CS.
Advisor: Okay?... Don't you want any poontang, kid? CS is good and all, but I'm just sayin'...
Evil: There's no coochie in CS?
Advisor: Well, there are, but they're all Orthodox Jewish poon. I don't think you're gonna get near any of that stuff.
Evil: I also want a good job when I graduate.
Advisor: IEOR, kid. Go IEOR.
Evil: I can get some in IEOR?
Advisor: No. But that's where the Visual Arts minor comes in. Those girls will do you in the name of art. And they're pretty smokin' too.
Evil: NICE. (You can also replace Evil with the COB in this conversation. Everything would probably go the same, except, instead of saying "NICE" the COB would do the head nod and scratch his chin.)
Why am I dredging up this old stuff? It's not because I'm bitter (HAHAHA). Actually, it's because I came up with this great idea and I'm applying for a grant from the National Endowment of the Arts to carry through with it. Picture this...
Every day for the next 3 years, I will take a picture of myself. Naturally, over time, the pictures will show me falling apart in various and sometimes disturbing ways. HOWEVER, when I display the pictures, I will arrange then in reverse chronological order. The viewer will think that I'm actually putting myself together... but after the last (really the first) picture, there will be some note about the reverse order. I think that's powerful stuff. In anticipation of receiving the NEA grant, I'm running out and buying a beret.
Friday, June 20, 2003
| Is NO ONE disturbed by this? Is Ashton Kutcher dating Demi or her daught Rumor? What gives? Where is the uproar? A few months ago I read that Demi spent 200K in cosmetic surgery, after seeing the trailer for Charlies Angels Full Throttle yesterday in front of2 Fast 2 Furious Yesterday I could see where it all went, she looked amazing but damn, she's still 40 and he's still the dude who "created" Punk'd and was in Dude, Where's my car. I just realized that I am not sure who in this whole thing is disturbing me more. |  |
Evil
Is anyone else freaking out over their Heaven application? I'm actually putting some decent work into this thing because the last thing I want is to be wait-listed. Hate being in limbo like that. Not really sure what to do about the recommendations. One needs to come from a direct ancestor. Both my parents hate me. One needs to come from a peer. All my friends hate me (after all, I don't have "real friends," like some people). In any event, I am padding the Good Deeds sections by passing along this public service announcement of the day...
If your legs are ever sore, say after a workout or a run, and you find yourself in CVS looking to buy a hot water bottle to loosen up the muscles, be sure to look carefully at the packaging of the hot water bottle:
See? The first one is a regular hot water bottle. The second one is a very similar looking thing, except that it's a DOUCHE and ENEMA kit. DUDE. NOW WHAT???
Congrats to Frank and Sorie (my uncle and his wife) on their second kid. here is the blow by blow from the Bumpasaurus
(read from the bottom up). As is often the case, my brother and father come out looking like a later day laurel and hardy. if I was there I would also have contributed to the clownery but I would have been more subtle and funnier.
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Date: Wednesday, June 18 2003 01:50 pm
From: Bumpasaurus
To: XTian
Subject: Re: the plan
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
no...it wasnt her water...it was already on the floor..and she went down...i originally thought it was her water that's why i took off in the other direction when i noticed her lying on the floor...my dad was at the entrance when she was being wheeled out complaining about how he wouldnt have bought her milk if he knew she was going to fall and being carted off to the hospital...he tried to go back and return it but i forced him out the door with a visibly shaken ali [Frank and Sorie's 7 year old(???) daughter] on my arm..he then made a joke about how Paco was gonna be angry at sorie [for not being careful and busting her butt while 9 months pregnant i guess - christian] with ali in the backseat..hahahahah
classic
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: XTian
To: Bumpasaurus
Sent: Tuesday, June 17, 2003 11:49 AM
Subject: Re: the plan
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Deleted Section]
I talked to my buddy who traveled with me to rio and we both had some sort of mild food poisoning. I am recovering. I am fine, just a little light headed. drinking some water. no biggie..am trying to eat right now, seems to be going ok
So did her water break and then she slipped on it? what a clown? thats wacky stuff.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Bumpasaurus
To: XTian
Sent: Tuesday, June 17 2003 08:25 AM
Subject: Re: the plan
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[deleted section]
she also says to get to a doctor because she thinks you are sick..i told her you had sars, and she freaked out on me then i told you had monkey pox and she stormed out of
the room...sorie had her baby 7:15 am on monday morning..the lil runt came out like 6 pounds 3 ounces...these people do not know how to bear children ...where's the 9 lb baby my mom can pound out...anyway...if mommy didnt tell you sunday sorie fell on some " i dont know ...some kind of wet water" and had to be taken to the hospital from there..me and my mom, grandma, and paco had a big laugh about the "wet water" part...after that he went to the hospital
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Evil
As much as I want it to be like 1998 again, it's clear that things have changed. Mr. Shoulders got his nickname because back in the day, he could easily be mistaken for an Indian Tim Hardaway, built like a bull and flashing a killer crossover. To my surprise, Mr. Shoulders comes back from London all trimmed down. Don't get me wrong --he's not gayishly thin, like an ex-collegiate-swimmer we might know-- just lean and mean. Actually, just lean. What happened to the meanness? The rage against women? The white-knuckled fist cocked and ready to knock the lipstick right off someone's face? This was a new Mr. Shoulders and I demanded to know why:
"Are you just off your game tonite?" I asked.
"No... I'm not really into this scene anymore," he told me.
"Are you GAY?"
He replied with a calm "No," and nothing more.
WHAT? Where is the defensive "Nooooo!" following by the crazy flexing of the shoulders and delts a la The Hulkster? I need to get to the bottom of this. My going theory is that Mr. Shoulders now has a Knightsbridge or South Kensington young lady that he answers to. Everyone reading this should help full court press the issue.
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Its good to see that 3/4 of Team Rachel is getting together in NY. Give Manolo's best to the bouncers at Flashdancers.
To this day, the most disturbing evening I have ever had (where no one actually got hurt or called me a bad person anyway) was the night myself and EVIL walked into Mr Shoulder's dorm room in Furnald Hall to watch the HBO film "Gia" starring a young and pre-freaky Angelina Joile. To recap it went something like this
[disturbing rape scene...Gia is trying to score heroin and gets raped and punched in the stomach]
Mr Shoulders [fist pumping in the air, screaming at the top of his lungs]: Yeah thats what she gets...
[EVIL and X-tian shoot either looks and try to find the nearest exit]
who cheers rape scenes? very odd....
Completely Unrelated
I ate something that did a number on my stomach a few days ago. Yesterday it was so bad I had to go home early and pass out. I had something of a fever dream I figure I would share it now
The dream is me, more or less, in my parents old home in Perth Amboy, which has somehow been moved to Florida. I am in some sort of state, trying to get myself organized because I am moving apartments in NY of all places. Somehow or another my apartment in Astoria has ended up in Washington Heights, along with my roommates...and when I finally get back to the apartment I realize that it is completely empty because I moved out some time ago.
What? What?
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