WE DID IT!

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!


It's a official! The Hose Official Superbowl Party is moving to my house!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a doctor's appointment to discuss my rapidly developing sleep disorder

Separation Anxiety

Evil

My time in China is quickly coming to an end. I just booked my plane ticket... returning to NYC on Feb 1st. This has made me realize that once I leave here, I'll be without my temp roommate. So sad! It's giving me separation anxiety.

Let's Get It On!

Evil

This is the sad state of Evil's life: Instead of going out there and getting some play, I hide in my apartment thinking about how in theory I could get some play. I've recently been thinking about this aspect in particular:

How much effort does a guy need to exert to get a girl to sleep with him, with the independent variable being the # of sexual partners the girl has had, i.e., are more "experienced" women harder or easier to get in the sack?

So on a chart: the X-Axis would be the "girl's # of sexual partners" and the Y-Axis would be "amount of effort required".

Four Gentlemen Hosers weighed in with their theories; their charts are attached. I've not revealed the identities of these Gentlemen Hosers, but if any of them want to identify themselves and/or weigh in with additional commentary in the comments section, please feel free!

Thanks to all who weighed in! Your input is greatly appreciated by the scientific community!

Big News Day!!!

Wow, I went to an hour-long meeting, and come back to my desk to find that:
1) Mark McGwire admits to cheating, lying, and ruining a great sport
2) Sarah Palin gets a multi-year contract with Fox News. 24+ months of her political commentary and analysis! Score!!!
3) You (I) can finally buy a sex robot that focuses on appealing to the mind. Finally. I'm tired of all those sex robots that don't appeal to my mind.

Cooking With KillerB - Product Endorsement Edition

This weekend while I was out liveblogging with Xtian, Beerock, Turdhurdler and Mr. Shoulders, KillerB2 was out shopping for the greatest kitchen device I'd never heard of.

More...
Oil and Vinegar misters. These things are amazing! They are pump activated, and deliver a very fine mist of oil and vinegar - almost like aerosol.

I've always found drizzling Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar to be hugely unpredictable and inefficient. Never again!!!! Already I've misted asparagus, salad, and popcorn. I can't wait to get home and mist something else.



Here is a demo by a couple annoying girls - we didn't buy these pre-filled ones - we bought ones you fill yourself - but you get the gist...

Cat Photo Of The Day

Evil

When a person starts to post pet photos without so much as a few lines of witty commentary, you know they've stopped trying. Someone stage an intervention!

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy (Or Girl)

Blind-sided by life... that's me.

Strange Habits

Evil

Been watching The Wire on DVD. Just finished season 4 (DVD #20 out of 24). After such intense immersion in The Wire, I've found myself developing some strange habits.

For one, I now have this involuntary reflex where I always say, "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" (a la State Senator Clay Davis).

Also, when the temp roommate does something wack, like try to drink my vodka-tonic that I've temporary set on the coffee table, I shoo him away and then call him an "off-brand feline!" (a la the west side hoppers who call the east side hoppers a bunch of "off-brand niggas").

D-Bag of the Week: Jay Leno

Rational people like Sparks will probably complain that I am being unfair to Jay and that some soulless network executive is probably to blame for all this but I say no. Soulless network executives are by definition soulless and likely cannot tell right from wrong so I blame. Jay. F U , Jay!

More...



Conan and his good friend, the Masturbating Bear, in happier times

More Pitch Meeting

I have been doing a lot (3 or 4 episodes shorter than 5mins) of webisode watching, hoping to understand a few things:
(1) Who the F cares?
(2) How do you measure success?
(3) What works and what doesn't?

And then I came across this, which initially seemed tangential and later appeared to be another article on not much, something Vanity Fair excels at. I mean all these chicks have twitter followers but what gives? What's with the flirty trenchcoats? amiright?
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I recognized Felicia Day from my minor obsession with Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog a year or so ago so I did some research. Apparently, this article was disappointing to all involved and rather than just move on (and more than likely because the Sunday football games were boring) I looked into what she was complaining about.

To net it out, I don't have much to report, This woman seems to earn a living as a working web series actress. Having said that, I still don't understand how, or the answers to any of my original questions. Still, I found this catchy and highly entertaining



You can actually buy this on iTunes...

Halftime Fun

For all the live bloggers out there.

Live Blogging - The Hose Official Wild Card Weekend Open Thread

Game 1 - Jets at Cincinnati aka The Santa Margarita Catholic High School Alumni Bowl featuring two of its most famous Alums - Carson Palmer and "The Sanchize" Mark Sanchez.

Game 2 - Philly at Dallas in the "Who will earn the right to run the table and lose to an AFC team in the Superbowl" Bowl.


More...
The Jets are threatening to run 70% of the time and the Bengals are threatening to put a tenth man in the box to stuff the run. You know what that means? The Jets should roll Sanchez out and have him throw slants the first three drives and give him the option to take off if he can find the edge. I am not even remotely kidding. Sanchez can complete 3 throws - The wide receiver screen, over the top to Braylon and slants. So I am declaring today -Slant City and will change Sanchez's nickname from "The Sanchize" to "Manchez" if this works!

Did you know - The Jets average more point per games than the Bengals. What does that mean? Probably not much. No takeaways here....

Lots of storylines in the late game - Can McNabb find Jackson down field? Can the center block anyone on the Cowboys line? Will Romo implode? Will the Eagles actually try to blitz someone? It's been three weeks since Felix Jones has pulled a hamstring so will he pull two tonight?

Did you know - The Eagles have not scored a point since their starting Center went down in the second quarter of their Week 16 game against the Broncos. The Take Away - Centers matter.


New ground rules for the Live Blogging. Let's stick all thoughts in the comments section of this post. That will allow us to do this from your favorite smartphone.

Job I Didn't Know Existed

There has been a lot of talk in the news lately of this double agent who blew himself up in the presence of a CIA team. Terrible story.

Then, last night, there was an episode of The Office which featured a scene at the end where Dwight and the Nard Dog claim to be double agents. At which point I expected Michael to claim to be a triple agent, because that would be ridiculous. But he didn't. He also went with double agent (dropped the ball there Office writers).

Turns out it isn't so ridiculous. There are triple agents! From the most trusted source, Wikipedia: "A triple agent pretends to be a double agent for the target organization, but in fact is working for the controlling organization all along. Usually, they keep the trust of the target organization by feeding information to them that apparently is very important but is in fact misleading or useless."

I'm not sure how this is all that different than being an "agent" though. Seems like the double is offset by the triple, thus making it a single. Right? So I was really gobsmacked when I learned that there are quadruple agents too!!!!! That would be one tricky job.

Things That Make Me Say Good Gravy

Sitting here at home, wondering where KillerB2 is, watching Bristol Bay Brawl - basically The Most Dangerous Catch 2.0.

So these guys are fishing for herring, so they can sell the roe to Asian markets. Cool. They drive around the Bay, drop nets, haul fish, cuss, swear, etc.

After they've caught a bunch of fish, they haul it to a processing boat. When they do they get the weight, and value of their catch. Exciting!!!!

So this dude just rolled the dice, got a huge catch. 20 tons of herring. Good Gravy. He's gonna be rich. Sooooooo rich.

Value of 40,000 pounds of herring. $2500. Good Gravy!!!!! Mental note: keep up the high flying marketing, because herring fishing is the ass-end of money making.

28 Hours of Football Pregaming

The Hose Official Wild Card Game Viewing Party is kicking off tomorrow at an undisclosed location in the East Village!!! Come bear witness to xTian slitting his wrists around 7:15 Eastern!

Prize for whoever can name all the coaches in this video!

Btw, Parcells + autotune = genius!

xTian's Pitch Meeting

Prior to Thanksgiving, I was in LA for a friend’s engagement/wedding reception thingamabobber. At this event, I met several people who seemed to be planning to produce or had recently starred in some sort of web series or guest stared on webisodes of a web series. I found this fascinating. Mostly because it sounded like code for "I'm an unemployed actor" but whatever...

The storytelling approach has to be completely different because you sort of have to tell a small story in a shortened format. Even in a situation where you have some sort of cliffhanger you have to introduce characters and a scenario in a compressed time frame. I have spent a lot of time, thinking about strange things so I spent some time wondering what sort of concepts would lend them selves to webisodes.

Here are a few:
More...Push & Kick
I met a guy recently who lived somewhere in Brooklyn, not terrible close to a subway. So whenever he went anywhere he would bring along a collapsible foot scooter so that he could ride more quickly to the subway. Since he thought it ok to lug it into a restaurant where we were having dinner with mutual friends, I thought it was ok to ask him if he brought this on dates etc. He admitted he did and that at times people had found it off putting. Of course, this started percolating in my head – doesn’t this work as a broader metaphor for the isolation brought about our modern usage of technology? Wouldn’t it be sort of fascinating to watch this guy get turned down on dates, possibly knock small children over and alienate his friends and family in several situations –each in its own webisode? Then this could also be elements of a longer narrative. Each webisode taking our hero deeper into the dumps till he bottoms out (extremely isolated) and then he can redeem himself by doing something truly heroic and it ends with him basically reigniting a foot scooter craze. We could also use a Segue I guess, but only if they come through with promotional considerations

Summer BreezeI also think Mr. Shoulder’s life deserves its own webseries. I will let your mind run wild with the possibilities. I had an idea 5 years ago when Mr. Shoulders was hitting the Jersey Shore and Vegas with voracious frequency. Of course, MTV sort of swiped that idea and now we have to deal with “The Situation” and Snooki, even though I had the idea first. Still, the life and loves of Mr. Shoulders sounds compelling...much more so than Cat Fancy staring Evil.

Mid-Teen Afternoon Social
This one was actually devised in conjunction with another Hoser, who can choose to reveal himself if he likes. I recently have been reading a lot of about how today’s teens have a far different value system than we did growing up and now kids are running trains, giving BJs left and right and generally running amuck. The more I thought about this, the more I thought movies like Super Bad are actually a little innocent and a reflection of an earlier more innocent time. Imagine if instead of trying to have sex or make out our whatever our teen heroes were trying to talk various women into basket jobs and rainbow parties or ass play (as a first sexual experience). Every mini episode could be their attempt to get their party together could be wrought with hilarious little failures and them trying to use current porn dialogue to get women to react. I am not sure how it would actually end. Maybe they will learn something. Maybe someone will try to trick them into having unprotected assplay. I have not really decided.

Anyway, I consider all three of these ideas as valid as most of the episodic web shorts I have seen online.

Things I Do For Evil

After seeing Evil's early struggles in growing a Manuary beard, I decided to do something about it. Since I'm not a genetic scientist, I couldn't do anything about his lack of a beard, so I did the next best thing: I grew one for him. Here ya go pal.

Unfortunately I have a meeting tomorrow, so 12 hours from now this will be gone. If you like I can collect the shavings and send them your way. Let me know.

I doubt your #1 BFF did anything as thoughtful.

Congratulations Hawk!!!!!!!!

You're one of the best of all time. Next up, Shawon Dunston!!!!!!

Date or Die: I don't know you that well now please help me with my bra

I went on a second date this past Saturday. Though not very into the woman, I thought it was pretty important to not leave this world never seeing a redhead naked. We had a fairly successful conversation though I found her indecisiveness about her academic pursuits somewhat annoying.

We stepped out to find a bar for a nightcap. The January air whipped us in the face so fast that we ducked into the first bar we could find, not the bar I was suggesting and one that turned out to be very overcrowded. Not wanting to stay, I suggested we return to her apartment. She stared at me, somewhat shocked about my directness. In the cab she jumped me. On the elevator going up to her apartment she suddenly hesitated admitting she was unsure given that she had to this point spent 3 hours with me. 15 minutes later I was helping her out of her clothes. 1 hour later she again discussed her hesitancy though by that time the point was moot. 2 minutes later I mocked her faux-indecisiveness. 5 minutes later she helped me find my socks after suggesting I leave. 10 minutes after that, as I walked to the subway, she phoned me and asked if I wanted to come back up. 45 minutes later, I was home, alone and reasonably happy to be going to sleep before 2am.

The redhead thing turned out to be a minor disappointment overall. Just in case, anyone out there was as intrigued as I was on the topic.

Annoyance of the day: Bellyaching about terrorists

All this heated agitation about the failure of the government to protect us from terrorists on airplanes is annoying. Is anyone else pretty relieved by what has been revealed in the past couple of airline terrorist attack attempts? Consider the following examples:

Case 1: A well funded, well trained organization spends a full year planning every last detail of an attack. They find a non-Arab attacker, and successfully get him a US travel visa. Everything goes right for them at the airport, and the guy gets on the plane. What’s the problem? He could only sneak enough explosive onto the airplane to incinerate his own junk. The airplane and the passengers were never in danger.

Case 2: A pretty active splinter group spends all sorts of time devising a bomb that fits inside a shoe. The guy makes it onto the airplane with it, but cannot detonate the device before being restrained. However, nearly every expert agrees that such a device was nowhere near large enough to disable a commercial jetliner. Again, the worst he could have done is perhaps hurt a few of the people around him, and you will never stop people from being able to do that.

Do I wish our intelligence officers had picked these guys up earlier? Of course. Would I be happy sitting next to the idiot that just melted his testicles or blew his damn foot off? Of course not. But I’m also pretty excited that the worst either of these organizations could have done, even if their plans had been executed flawlessly, would be to cause some non-fatal commotion.

I feel better about airline safety than I did before these “attacks.” Stop yo’ bellyachin’!