Sunday, January 10, 2010

Strange Habits

Evil


Been watching The Wire on DVD. Just finished season 4 (DVD #20 out of 24). After such intense immersion in The Wire, I've found myself developing some strange habits.

For one, I now have this involuntary reflex where I always say, "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" (a la State Senator Clay Davis).

Also, when the temp roommate does something wack, like try to drink my vodka-tonic that I've temporary set on the coffee table, I shoo him away and then call him an "off-brand feline!" (a la the west side hoppers who call the east side hoppers a bunch of "off-brand niggas").

D-Bag of the Week: Jay Leno

Rational people like Sparks will probably complain that I am being unfair to Jay and that some soulless network executive is probably to blame for all this but I say no. Soulless network executives are by definition soulless and likely cannot tell right from wrong so I blame. Jay. F U , Jay!

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Conan and his good friend, the Masturbating Bear, in happier times

More Pitch Meeting

I have been doing a lot (3 or 4 episodes shorter than 5mins) of webisode watching, hoping to understand a few things:
(1) Who the F cares?
(2) How do you measure success?
(3) What works and what doesn't?

And then I came across this, which initially seemed tangential and later appeared to be another article on not much, something Vanity Fair excels at. I mean all these chicks have twitter followers but what gives? What's with the flirty trenchcoats? amiright?
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I recognized Felicia Day from my minor obsession with Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog a year or so ago so I did some research. Apparently, this article was disappointing to all involved and rather than just move on (and more than likely because the Sunday football games were boring) I looked into what she was complaining about.

To net it out, I don't have much to report, This woman seems to earn a living as a working web series actress. Having said that, I still don't understand how, or the answers to any of my original questions. Still, I found this catchy and highly entertaining



You can actually buy this on iTunes...

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Halftime Fun

For all the live bloggers out there.

Live Blogging - The Hose Official Wild Card Weekend Open Thread


Game 1 - Jets at Cincinnati aka The Santa Margarita Catholic High School Alumni Bowl featuring two of its most famous Alums - Carson Palmer and "The Sanchize" Mark Sanchez.

Game 2 - Philly at Dallas in the "Who will earn the right to run the table and lose to an AFC team in the Superbowl" Bowl.


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The Jets are threatening to run 70% of the time and the Bengals are threatening to put a tenth man in the box to stuff the run. You know what that means? The Jets should roll Sanchez out and have him throw slants the first three drives and give him the option to take off if he can find the edge. I am not even remotely kidding. Sanchez can complete 3 throws - The wide receiver screen, over the top to Braylon and slants. So I am declaring today -Slant City and will change Sanchez's nickname from "The Sanchize" to "Manchez" if this works!

Did you know - The Jets average more point per games than the Bengals. What does that mean? Probably not much. No takeaways here....

Lots of storylines in the late game - Can McNabb find Jackson down field? Can the center block anyone on the Cowboys line? Will Romo implode? Will the Eagles actually try to blitz someone? It's been three weeks since Felix Jones has pulled a hamstring so will he pull two tonight?

Did you know - The Eagles have not scored a point since their starting Center went down in the second quarter of their Week 16 game against the Broncos. The Take Away - Centers matter.


New ground rules for the Live Blogging. Let's stick all thoughts in the comments section of this post. That will allow us to do this from your favorite smartphone.

Job I Didn't Know Existed

There has been a lot of talk in the news lately of this double agent who blew himself up in the presence of a CIA team. Terrible story.

Then, last night, there was an episode of The Office which featured a scene at the end where Dwight and the Nard Dog claim to be double agents. At which point I expected Michael to claim to be a triple agent, because that would be ridiculous. But he didn't. He also went with double agent (dropped the ball there Office writers).

Turns out it isn't so ridiculous. There are triple agents! From the most trusted source, Wikipedia: "A triple agent pretends to be a double agent for the target organization, but in fact is working for the controlling organization all along. Usually, they keep the trust of the target organization by feeding information to them that apparently is very important but is in fact misleading or useless."

I'm not sure how this is all that different than being an "agent" though. Seems like the double is offset by the triple, thus making it a single. Right? So I was really gobsmacked when I learned that there are quadruple agents too!!!!! That would be one tricky job.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Things That Make Me Say Good Gravy

Sitting here at home, wondering where KillerB2 is, watching Bristol Bay Brawl - basically The Most Dangerous Catch 2.0.

So these guys are fishing for herring, so they can sell the roe to Asian markets. Cool. They drive around the Bay, drop nets, haul fish, cuss, swear, etc.

After they've caught a bunch of fish, they haul it to a processing boat. When they do they get the weight, and value of their catch. Exciting!!!!

So this dude just rolled the dice, got a huge catch. 20 tons of herring. Good Gravy. He's gonna be rich. Sooooooo rich.

Value of 40,000 pounds of herring. $2500. Good Gravy!!!!! Mental note: keep up the high flying marketing, because herring fishing is the ass-end of money making.

28 Hours of Football Pregaming



The Hose Official Wild Card Game Viewing Party is kicking off tomorrow at an undisclosed location in the East Village!!! Come bear witness to xTian slitting his wrists around 7:15 Eastern!

Prize for whoever can name all the coaches in this video!

Btw, Parcells + autotune = genius!

Thursday, January 07, 2010

xTian's Pitch Meeting

Prior to Thanksgiving, I was in LA for a friend’s engagement/wedding reception thingamabobber. At this event, I met several people who seemed to be planning to produce or had recently starred in some sort of web series or guest stared on webisodes of a web series. I found this fascinating. Mostly because it sounded like code for "I'm an unemployed actor" but whatever...

The storytelling approach has to be completely different because you sort of have to tell a small story in a shortened format. Even in a situation where you have some sort of cliffhanger you have to introduce characters and a scenario in a compressed time frame. I have spent a lot of time, thinking about strange things so I spent some time wondering what sort of concepts would lend them selves to webisodes.

Here are a few:
More...Push & Kick
I met a guy recently who lived somewhere in Brooklyn, not terrible close to a subway. So whenever he went anywhere he would bring along a collapsible foot scooter so that he could ride more quickly to the subway. Since he thought it ok to lug it into a restaurant where we were having dinner with mutual friends, I thought it was ok to ask him if he brought this on dates etc. He admitted he did and that at times people had found it off putting. Of course, this started percolating in my head – doesn’t this work as a broader metaphor for the isolation brought about our modern usage of technology? Wouldn’t it be sort of fascinating to watch this guy get turned down on dates, possibly knock small children over and alienate his friends and family in several situations –each in its own webisode? Then this could also be elements of a longer narrative. Each webisode taking our hero deeper into the dumps till he bottoms out (extremely isolated) and then he can redeem himself by doing something truly heroic and it ends with him basically reigniting a foot scooter craze. We could also use a Segue I guess, but only if they come through with promotional considerations

Summer BreezeI also think Mr. Shoulder’s life deserves its own webseries. I will let your mind run wild with the possibilities. I had an idea 5 years ago when Mr. Shoulders was hitting the Jersey Shore and Vegas with voracious frequency. Of course, MTV sort of swiped that idea and now we have to deal with “The Situation” and Snooki, even though I had the idea first. Still, the life and loves of Mr. Shoulders sounds compelling...much more so than Cat Fancy staring Evil.

Mid-Teen Afternoon Social
This one was actually devised in conjunction with another Hoser, who can choose to reveal himself if he likes. I recently have been reading a lot of about how today’s teens have a far different value system than we did growing up and now kids are running trains, giving BJs left and right and generally running amuck. The more I thought about this, the more I thought movies like Super Bad are actually a little innocent and a reflection of an earlier more innocent time. Imagine if instead of trying to have sex or make out our whatever our teen heroes were trying to talk various women into basket jobs and rainbow parties or ass play (as a first sexual experience). Every mini episode could be their attempt to get their party together could be wrought with hilarious little failures and them trying to use current porn dialogue to get women to react. I am not sure how it would actually end. Maybe they will learn something. Maybe someone will try to trick them into having unprotected assplay. I have not really decided.

Anyway, I consider all three of these ideas as valid as most of the episodic web shorts I have seen online.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Things I Do For Evil

After seeing Evil's early struggles in growing a Manuary beard, I decided to do something about it. Since I'm not a genetic scientist, I couldn't do anything about his lack of a beard, so I did the next best thing: I grew one for him. Here ya go pal.

Unfortunately I have a meeting tomorrow, so 12 hours from now this will be gone. If you like I can collect the shavings and send them your way. Let me know.

I doubt your #1 BFF did anything as thoughtful.

Congratulations Hawk!!!!!!!!

You're one of the best of all time. Next up, Shawon Dunston!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Date or Die: I don't know you that well now please help me with my bra

I went on a second date this past Saturday. Though not very into the woman, I thought it was pretty important to not leave this world never seeing a redhead naked. We had a fairly successful conversation though I found her indecisiveness about her academic pursuits somewhat annoying.

We stepped out to find a bar for a nightcap. The January air whipped us in the face so fast that we ducked into the first bar we could find, not the bar I was suggesting and one that turned out to be very overcrowded. Not wanting to stay, I suggested we return to her apartment. She stared at me, somewhat shocked about my directness. In the cab she jumped me. On the elevator going up to her apartment she suddenly hesitated admitting she was unsure given that she had to this point spent 3 hours with me. 15 minutes later I was helping her out of her clothes. 1 hour later she again discussed her hesitancy though by that time the point was moot. 2 minutes later I mocked her faux-indecisiveness. 5 minutes later she helped me find my socks after suggesting I leave. 10 minutes after that, as I walked to the subway, she phoned me and asked if I wanted to come back up. 45 minutes later, I was home, alone and reasonably happy to be going to sleep before 2am.

The redhead thing turned out to be a minor disappointment overall. Just in case, anyone out there was as intrigued as I was on the topic.

Annoyance of the day: Bellyaching about terrorists


All this heated agitation about the failure of the government to protect us from terrorists on airplanes is annoying. Is anyone else pretty relieved by what has been revealed in the past couple of airline terrorist attack attempts? Consider the following examples:

Case 1: A well funded, well trained organization spends a full year planning every last detail of an attack. They find a non-Arab attacker, and successfully get him a US travel visa. Everything goes right for them at the airport, and the guy gets on the plane. What’s the problem? He could only sneak enough explosive onto the airplane to incinerate his own junk. The airplane and the passengers were never in danger.

Case 2: A pretty active splinter group spends all sorts of time devising a bomb that fits inside a shoe. The guy makes it onto the airplane with it, but cannot detonate the device before being restrained. However, nearly every expert agrees that such a device was nowhere near large enough to disable a commercial jetliner. Again, the worst he could have done is perhaps hurt a few of the people around him, and you will never stop people from being able to do that.

Do I wish our intelligence officers had picked these guys up earlier? Of course. Would I be happy sitting next to the idiot that just melted his testicles or blew his damn foot off? Of course not. But I’m also pretty excited that the worst either of these organizations could have done, even if their plans had been executed flawlessly, would be to cause some non-fatal commotion.

I feel better about airline safety than I did before these “attacks.” Stop yo’ bellyachin’!

Users Guide to Making up Words

As far as I can tell making up new words has been going on ever since word #1. I think it is really great that new words can be created, but I also think we need some ground rules. So here they are......


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People who CAN make up new words:
- Rappers

Can you imagine a world without fo' shizzle? I can't.

People who SHOULD not, ever, under any circumstances make up new words:
- Clergy
- Politicians
- Teachers
- Lastly, and most importantly, sports broadcasters.

Which brings me to my warning. If I'm ever with you, and I hear you say "trickeration", in any context, I will reflexively punch you.

I'm having nightmares about "trickeration" this football season. Some might say I should blame the wildcat offense, but that would be giving these idiots an out. The only thing that drives me even more mad is when there is "extracurricular" activity after a play - but of course that is a word.

Key take away: I hear you say "trickeration", there will be extracurricular action.



I like this song "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros



When global warming turns my swampland into desert 30 years from now, I'm inviting all of you down and we'll have a dusty good time, just like these happy folk.

Monday, January 04, 2010

I like this song - "Work" by Hockey



Is this a cover of something?

The NY Jets Have a New Super Fan

I just want to give the Sanchize a shout out for being the biggest super fan in the Meadowlands and cheering his team to victory!

Did you see him fist pump after the direct snap/57 yd run to Brad Smith in the 1st half? What poise!

Secondary shout out to Chad Ochocinco who is not following through on changing his name back to Johnson but is following through and getting Fireman Ed VIP tickets to next week's rematch in Cinncy. I think we need more of the OCHO. Class act all the way...

Redneck, not Yuppie

It was a big weekend in the KillerB's household. KillerB2 and I watched football, saw a movie, and conducted KillerB2's annual year end audit.

She has been doing this for several years, according to the spreadsheet she showed me, but this is the first year she has included me. Presumably a result of our marriage.

The spreadsheet is basically your standard balance sheet of assets and liabilities. As expected, I had a lot to contribute on the liability side - enough student loans to bankrupt a small nation. On the asset side I struggled. It turns out I don't really have assets aside from retirement accounts and the like. I don't own a car, I don't collect art, I drink whatever comes into the house, so there aren't any rare wines laying around - but under pressure to come up with something to fill those rows, the following 3 emerged as my most valuable tangible assets
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1) Pocket knife collection - rare Remington bullet series knives, and a few other odds and ends
2) Antique Winchester, over-under double barrel shotgun
3) 1.75 acres of surveyed but off-the-grid Florida swampland adjacent to Lake Okeechobee

The later I would not have included last year. Earlier this year, however, I received a letter from the Nature Conservancy offering to buy it from me. Turns out I'm fortunate enough to own land that 8 endangered species of birds call home. SCORE! Apparently my lot falls under their tier 1 priority. I learned this by Googleing my lot details, and found their planning document as a PDF. Negotiating 101: don't post your position online.

I didn't sell it though. I'm saving it to build my dream shanty on.

Knives + Guns + Swampland is basically the most perfect redneck formula ever. That's what I brought to the annual audit.

Congrats

Evil


As much as it pains me to do this, I must say that congrats are in order to MG for winning The Hose's Official Fantasy Football League, where he defeated Mr. Balls in the finals. Although MG did have a great regular season, his brilliant strategy of invoking the memory of Chris Henry motivated his team throughout their championship run.

As if winning the official Hose tourney wasn't enough, MG also went and won the unofficial "alternate" (i.e., sans-XTIAN) league, where he defeated a listless Manolo team in the finals.

Savor these victories, MG... considering how winning moments are so few and far between in your life.

Friday, January 01, 2010

New Years Quickies

Evil


* Tonight (January 1st, 2010), I will "pull an Evil Twin #1"... that is, I will go to dinner by myself. And I will like it.

* There has been some confusion in the past, so I feel the need to clarify by BFF rankings. KillerB is my #2 BFF, but that's if you're only counting humans. Nora is my #1 human BFF. If you count all species, then KillerB is my #3 BFF. Because my temp roommate is my #1 feline BFF. Thanks.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

NY Jets and the Sanchize: Playoff bound? Maybe? Really?

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy -- Indie Short Film Edition

Evil


For when you're in the mood to watch an 18 minute indie short film in Danish. Here's the synopsis:

When Dennis, an introvert bodybuilder, invites a local girl out on a date his mother is hurt and disappointed. Despite the pressure she puts on him to cancel the date, Dennis ventures into a night that he will never forget.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Worst Decade Ever (Part 1 of 2)

Evil


Some aspects of the 00's have been truly great, as Sparks has pointed out in his Top Technology Advances post. We've also had some great television, as Xtian has posted about. The 00's was a great decade for pop culture, perhaps the best decade yet for pop culture, but you wouldn't know it from KillerB's lackluster Pop Culture Moments series. Try harder next time, KillerB.

But in some regards, the 00's have been a truly disastrous decade, and I'm not just talking about my hair follicles. For the following things, the 00's have been the Worst Decade Ever...

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10. The Chicago Cubs - 2003. Only 5. more. outs. to. go! And then Steve Barman happened. Sighhhhhh. 2007: made it to the playoffs, only to be spanked by the Diamondbacks in an embarrassing 3 games to 0 sweep. The hapless (but lovable) Cubbies stranded 30 baserunners in 3 games. 2008: back to the playoffs, but yet another 3-0 sweep. This time by the Dodgers. The Cubbies were outscored 20-to-6 in the series. 2009: learned their lesson and decided to not make the playoffs at all, preferring a second-half swoon over the embarrassment of another playoff sweep.

9. NASDAQ - Peaks at 5,134 in March 2000. Closes the decade at 2,291. Sigh. I can't even fathom how long it'll take to get back above 5,000 again. Perhaps more than an entire decade.

8. Rock 'n Roll - This is the music of youth, of rebellion, and of angst. This is the music that you wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley. Rock 'n Roll was born in the 1950's (or so) and in its first decade, we had the likes of Elvis Presley and Jerry Lee Lewis (if marrying your 13 year old first cousin is not the rock 'n roll lifestyle, I don't know what is). The 60's gave us The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, Cream, and many others. The 70's brought The Ramones, Sex Pistols, Blondie, all while acts like the Stones and Zeppelin kept kicking ass. It wasn't until 1987 that Guns 'n Roses released Appetite for Destruction, but that in itself was enough to make the entire decade in my book. G'nR = Best Rock Band Ever. The 1990's was of course the decade of grunge rock, Nirvana and the like. And then the 00's hit us... clearly the worst decade ever in the history of rock 'n roll. Who was the defining rock act of the decade? Was it those pussies that we call Coldplay? Ugh! Blink 182? Linkin Park? Is rock 'n roll dead forever?

7. Airline Passengers - Remember when the biggest annoyance in air travel was having to answer those two questions about whether anyone else had packed your bags and whether your bags have been in your possession the entire time since you've packed them? And now look at the inconveniences that we suffer through: long lines, taking off your shoes, fishing out your laptop from your perfectly packed bags, getting your metrosexual facial creams confiscated because it's more than 3 ounces... and the situation is only getting worse. No pillows and blankets? Nothing on your laps? No use of iPods during the last hour? No TV during the flight because it shows a live map?

6. Newspapers - Whereas the NASDAQ will likely rebound (it's just a matter of how long) and Rock 'n Roll may likely find new life in a new decade, few will deny that newspapers are on a slow march towards death. People are reading more than ever. People are consuming more news than ever. Just not using newspapers. Goodbye old friend.

Vampire Weekend - How fun are these guys?

Pop Culture Images of the Decade

Do you guys remember when X-tian dyed his hair blonde, bought a 12 pack of white t-shirts and walked around with his arms folded for what seemed like an entire year? Well that year was 2000.

This, of course, is from the 2000 VMA's. The VMA's were a show people like us used to look forward to - like a Top Chef finale for the beginning of the decade.


The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #1 The Wire

The Wire was a television program that could not have happened before the 2000s. Really, it was probably 20 years too soon but it came when it came and it was awesome.

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The concept was huge
The concept was simple enough I suspect when he sold it. A police procedural about drug dealers and wire taps in Baltimore. David Simon (a former City Reporter for the Baltimore Sun and later a producer and writer for Homicide and author of the The Corner) delivered on this but he also gave us so much more. In the end he told a broad story about the failure of large US cities at the beginning of the 21st century starting first with the drug trade, and subsequently exploring the evaporation of the middle class, the inherent bureaucracy of local government, the complete failure of the educational system and finally why the media is no longer in a position to expose all these limitations.


The narrative and the characters are complex
Lots of writers who got paid to watch TV called the show “Dickensian in scope”, something that annoyed Simon so much that he used it as an example of the sort of drivel that Editors use at flailing newspapers in season 5. What the meant is that he managed to avoid following a strict linear narrative. Dominic West was ostensibly the star of the show but he spent the entirety of season 3 showing up every other episode, smirking, and then drifting back into the background. This is because the city (its street corners, funeral homes, projects, police precincts, city hall) was the star with several characters going into and out of focus at any given time.

They also never give you an upper hand over anyone in the show. You learn things as they do. You also have to pay attention. Police Chief Bunny Colvin shows up for 3 minutes in season 2, quietly observes a situation and decides then and there what his only course of action is; as witnessed by his Hamsterdam experiment in Season 3.

People love Omar Little – the Robin Hood of the ‘hood. They fear Marlo Stansfield. They inexplicably want Bunny to succeed and mostly because you are willing to trade anything away for a cessation of the insanity.


It also manages to be quite funny.


It won’t make you feel good
There is no redemption for the system it’s a disaster. Some characters find individual redemption but its few and far between and even then their position is assumed by someone else from the cast ensure that their system stays broken and things stay hopeless.

Season 4 is essentially about the children raised on the streets of Baltimore and it is at times heartbreaking. Your investment in the “hoppers” – Namond, Michael, Dukie, and Randy will leave in pieces after you realize where Baltimore leaves most of them… You also get to meet Kinard – who turns out to be the most evil 5 year old ever.

A closing thought
This is a tough show to watch. No one stops to explain anything to you - its one long sprawling narrative that unfolds bit by bit. It was also the single vision of one creator - an auteur – just like filmmaking in the 70s. This is the conceit of television in the 00s. Prior to this decade TV shows were pretty consistent. The status quo could not be disrupted week to week so viewers could check in or out without much work. This is no longer the case. As technological advances drove a drop in prices (as VHS went to DVDs then On Demand to our eventual post net work future), the revenue opportunity for television series also changed because revenue could be made up in the secondary market. This allowed people to stretch on TV. I suppose it could have happened earlier with VHS but it didn’t for whatever reason. I mean really, who went out and bought MASH or even Friends on VHS? I don’t know many folks who did.

I am not sure which was the chicken or the egg here. Was it the burning platform (the 10 hour drama of the Sopranos, FX’s The Shield or ABC’s Alias) or the technology? The best answer is that they probably helped each other out – a virtuous circle with each element re-enforcing the other. Now telling a story (large or small) across a series was possible because any audience sacrificed week to week could be made up future consumption. The medium of that consumption continues to evolve and soon no one will consume DVDs and eventually we won’t even being paying for cable (the next inefficiency to fall and I can’t wait)

So this is the TV story of the 00s. The first few examples of this in the decade (JJ Abrams work on Alias and the guy from Sopranos) begat others like Lost and even Glee. But it reached it potential with The Wire - a brilliant show that is probably best consumed on DVD or on Demand as one long single narrative.

A Question That Needs To Be Asked

Evil


Seriously, people... can we start racial profiling already? Let's not have the TSA waste their time screening old white ladies in wheelchairs. I'd be willing to bet that they're 100% harmless. Let's focus our screening efforts on brown people. For example, the only brown Hoser is turdhurdler... and he's the most dangerous person I know! Q.E.D.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Prodigy In Douchiness

Evil


The NYT is featuring an article on 15-year-old ping pong prodigy Michael Landers. The article mentions that he's writing to sporting goods companies to try to get them involved in sponsoring his sport.

"As opposed to a 30-year-old guy, I'm so young that people might actually listen to me if I write in about Ping Pong," Landers said.

Wow! What amazing display of douchiness at such a tender age. This guy really IS a prodigy.

Hey, a-hole ping pong player... what exactly is wrong with 30 year olds? And you think that high flying marketers are more willing to listen to you just because you're "so young"? Naive little runt. Go along... practice your little ping pong thing and savor your youth while you have it.

Shocking Fact Of The Day

Evil

You know the insane little Asian guy who jumps out of the trunk naked in the movie The Hangover? That guy is a medical doctor!

Technological Advances


When we look back on this era, it will be hard to explain to our grandchildren just how fast technology was changing our lives. This decade really began to deliver on the promise of the massive internet technology investment bubble of the late 1990s, bringing connectivity to a place that would have seemed like science fiction in 1990. Below are 10 technological innovations born of the 00’s that have changed our daily lives (note that some of this technology existed in the 90s’, but reached critical market mass this decade).

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10. Flat screen TVs & monitors – In January 2000, nobody had a plasma or LCD TV. Today damn near everyone does. One could argue that these TVs didn’t change anything; they just replaced a slightly different version of the TV. But I would argue that they are changing our lives at least aesthetically. The TV as furniture is done. The hulking entertainment cabinet as the centerpiece of a home is a thing of the past. These fantastic TVs have also changed the viewing experience. A decade ago, a 37” TV was really, really big. Today it is the smallest model Costco carries.

9. GPS + mapping sites – There is just no reason to be lost anymore. Nobody uses atlases or maps. We print up directions before we go, or we pop in our destination in our ubiquitous GPS devices.

8. Digital cameras – Over the course of this decade, the price of taking a picture went from ~$1 (film + development), to zero. This declining cost has led to an explosion in photography. Every human event is thoroughly documented in a way that would have been unfathomable a short time ago, as noted in a recent Onion article. Interestingly, as the ability to take and share photos grows, the production of physical photos has fallen off a cliff. I have shoeboxes full of pictures from college and before, but only maybe a dozen physical photos from the last 7 years. Sure hope my hard drive holds up!

7. Wikipedia – Wikipedia started out as a joke, but man, they have really turned things around. I would argue that it is the single most useful site on the internet (search engines collectively are more important, but there are several of them, and only one Wikipedia). I wasn’t thinking of including it in this list until I realized that I had looked up every one of my entries in Wikipedia. It has killed the encyclopedia outright, and it has evil designs on research libraries. Here’s a fun wiki time killer, if you are interested.

6. Facebook – Email brought down the cost of keeping up with people you don’t see every day. A lot of us still have high school friends we would have lost touch with in an era of letter writing. But keeping up via email still has a cost. You need to compose a message, get the right email address, etc. Facebook dropped the cost of keeping tabs on people down to zero. Kids today will need to opt out of keeping up with their high school friends. The concept of whittling down one’s social circle as life progresses – a constant feature of civilization for the last 5,000 years – will cease to be.

5. TiVo – Remember trying to be home at a specific time to catch your favorite show? As recently as 2004, I was scheduling my graduate school classes so I could catch the 5pm Simpsons reruns. TiVo has made that a thing of the past. Good riddance!

4. Wireless internet – As the importance of the internet grew in the 1990’s, the usefulness of the laptop computer diminished. What’s the point of having a mobile computer if it had to be tethered to your network to be at all useful? Nowadays, we just assume every café, airport, hotel and strip club has wireless available. At the end of this decade, it’s the desktop computer that is looking more and more obsolete.

3. Home broadband connection – Remember that terrible shrieking sound your modem made when it connected to your ISP? Remember the per-minute charges? Can you believe that was just 8 years ago? Installing the capacity to bring broadband internet access into every home nearly took down the entire telecom industry, and it certainly bankrupted a number of its biggest names. But the result was worth it. Bringing the internet in all of its glory into every middle class home has really unlocked its potential, allowing everything else on this list to flourish.

2. Smart phones – Man, what can’t these things do? They have truly turned the 10-hour worker into the 24-hour worker, which is either a good thing or a bad thing depending on your perspective, but definitely a different thing. It has made escaping work harder and less tolerated, but it has also made escaping the physical office much, much easier, for which I love my Blackberry dearly. To grasp its importance, 25 minutes of downtime of a device that didn’t exist 10 years ago now makes the front page of the NYTimes.

1. The Segway - Do any of us even remember life before the Segway?

And now a few things that get a lot of talk, but did not warrant a top-10 placement on my list

Google – It’s a search engine. Yes, we use it every day, but before we used Google, we used Yahoo, and before we used Yahoo, we used Alta Vista. Whatever algorithmic advantages it may have over its competitors doesn’t mean much to the casual search engine user.

Ipod – I had a walkman that a rarely used. After that, I had a discman that I rarely used. Now I have an Ipod that I rarely use. The concept of carrying music around with you has been around for 25 years. Yes, the Ipod made it easier to carry much, much more music, but there is a very finite amount of music one can actually consume on the go. The Ipod changed nothing and doesn’t deserve a spot here.

DVDs – No consumer product has ever taken off as quickly as the DVD player. But I am not sure it changed our lives very much. I use DVDs exactly as I used VHS tapes – to watch movies and occasionally to use as a coaster.

Net Flix – This almost made the list. It has singlehandedly made the phrase “going to the video store” as obsolete as “going to the soda fountain.” Let's call it #11.


Pop Culture Images of the Decade

Now this one is a bit of a political image of the decade, but let's face it, this had crossover appeal. Even people who didn't give a flip about politics enjoyed watching Howard Dean implode in Iowa on that brisk January evening in 2004.

Things I don't want this man doing:
1) Responding to emergencies
2) Responding to requests
3) Responding to enemies
4) Responding to supporters
5 - Infiniti) Anything that is more than trivial

Of course, he's now in charge of the party that largely supported him before this epic meltdown.

Manuary Beard Update

Evil


Why do I even bother trying to grow a Manuary beard? It's day four of my beard growth and it looks like the beard has stopped growing. I've encountered this in the past. After a few days, the beard makes no progress. It just looks sparse and a bit sickly. I have to go to two meetings tomorrow. I might have to shave beforehand because I feel like a tool leaving the apartment with this half-beard on my face.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Exposé!!!

Evil


The Hose is constantly trying to improve and expand our operations. One of our 2009 projects has been to build up our investigative journalism department... we call it TMHoZ.

As the first TMHoZ exclusive, we've gotten hold of various Hosers' letters to Santa and the results. Here goes...

XTIAN wrote:
Dear Santa, I was a good boy this year. For Christmas this year, I would love if you could bring me: Enzyte, Viagra, and any Pete Yorn CD. He's just so dreamy. --XTIAN

What XTIAN got from Santa: Lump of coal.

KillerB wrote:
Dear Santa, I was a high-flying good boy this year. For Christmas, I want more than anything else: Enzyte, Viagra, and Avacor. --KILLERB

What KillerB got from Santa: Lump of coal.

Sparks wrote:
Dear Santa, I've calculated that the probability of your existing is less than 0.1%, but I shall write you nonetheless. If you indeed exist, please bring me the following for Christmas: Enzyte, Rogaine, and a LZR Racer suit.

What Sparks got from Santa: Lump of coal.

Manolo wrote:
Hey Santa, Manolo very good. Manolo want presents. Please give Manolo: Enzyte, Avacor, and Extreme Weight Loss Pills.

What Manolo got from Santa: Enzyte, Avacor, and Extreme Weight Loss Pills.

Wow, looks like Manolo was the only good boy this year. Manolo, hope you enjoy your gifts from Santa!

Useless Photo Of The Day

Evil

This is the temp roommate and me, making our "serious" faces. Also, note my 3 days worth of facial hair growth. I'm getting an early jump on Manuary this year.

Rome

Evil

A while back, I asked you Hosers for TV series recommendations. Many of you strongly suggested that I go watch Rome, the 2-season series from HBO. Well, I finally found the DVD set this past Friday. I started watching on Saturday and by Sunday night, I had finished all 10 DVDs! I wish I could have savored it and watched it over a longer period of time, but man, it was too good. I just couldn't stop watching! Thanks to all you Hosers for the recommendation.

My one minor gripe with the series is that the big fat f*ck of a newsreader is soooo annoying. Why does he have to read the news with such a douchy attitude? Why does he have to make those ridiculous hand gestures when he's reading the news? And how does he get so freakin' fat? Wasn't there a major grain shortage during Season 2? How does the newsreader explain to the citizens of Rome why he still weighs 550 pounds?

Lookey-Likey - Rome Edition, Volume 4

Evil

If Chris Parnell (of SNL and 30 Rock fame) were an evil thug, he'd totally be Erastes Fulmen (played by Lorcan Cranitch).

Lookey-Likey - Rome Edition, Volume 3

Evil

George Clooney and the affable Roman solider Titus Pullo (played by Ray Stevenson).

Lookey-Likey - Rome Edition, Volume 2

Evil

It was hard to take Mark Antony (as played by James Purefoy) seriously because I just kept imagining Ferris Bueller.

"We need to send four legions to the East to bolster Octavian's forces. Who shall lead them?"

"Bueller? Bueller?"

He even has the same voice as Bueller!

Lookey-Likey - Rome Edition, Volume 1

Evil

Staunch and ever-loyal Roman solider Lucius Vorenus (played by Kevin McKidd) and Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin... but which is which?!?!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #6-2

So, I got backed up on this and was struggling to catch up. I think there is more potential for debate and discussion if blow through 6-2. By Tuesday, I will put up what I think #1 is.

There are some notable exceptions that I want to proactively mention:
I am declaring Survivor a creature of the 90s
I hate everything to do with forensic science
Rome went for only 2 seasons and the second season was undone by budget pressures that made them skip through about 10 years of their story

So none of the make the cut, though there are strong arguments for all.

Having said all that, I still had 7 to go and only 6 slots, so I am going to have a tie for 6th.

So without further ado,
More...
6A. Top Chef
Our first Reality Show Entry! Let’s admit the following as a group: Bravo is primarily geared towards gays. I just needed to get that out of the way. This show is also super surprising. I think a lot of other reality shows tried to manufacture drama - Survivor through their ‘coalitions’ and what not, The Real World with their booze, the bachelor and the . Top Chef is a little different. They really rely on the nutty diva personalities, much like a chef who relies on the natural qualities of his ingredients. Who knew that cooking could be so competitive.


6A. Mad Men
Mad Men is great for several reasons. First, it works very hard to put us in a different time and place. Second, it has complex characterizations. Lastly, it refuses to indulge its audiences with quick resolutions. I have had conversations with people who argue that somehow, even though its a highly serialized drama they never disrupt the status quo. I am not sure it could be more wrong. As near as I can see, all the characters are exactly where they are as a direct result of the decisions they have been making. We all have to respect that.


5.Arrested Development
I suspect many shows are too smart for their own good. I think Arrested Development is one of these shows. Prior to writing this I went and looked up the definitions of surrealism and absurdist humor to see if those were phrases I should use to describe this show. They aren't and that's too bad because there should be a word, a phrase, a style to describe what Arrested Development was all about. I mean why was the camera shaky? As if they were taping a reality show? Why did that one episode have a "live episode" ending, even though it was not taped live? Why is GOB so motherF***ing hilarious? What exactly was Charlize Theron doing in those last few episodes?

This show raised more questions then it ever answered. But that's ok. I just knew I was in a good place if GOB was on camera and I knew I hated Buster. Can you really hate a show that brought us Michael Cera? Or the show that will springboard Maybe's eventual Cinemax career? Of course not. It was awesome.


4. 30 Rock
This show makes the list because I am sexually attracted to Tina Fey. I think she's HOT. In an earlier draft of this post, I went on at length about how attractive her scar looked when she did "Weekend Update" and how that scar makes me think of sex. I took this out for obvious reasons.

Tina Fey is hot because she is really funny and this show is really funny and post coital joking is awesome. Also I find Tracy Morgan hilarious.


3. Lost
Lost is the most successful, completely inaccessible sci-fi TV show ever. It is also the most successful piece of serialized television ever. It is also the most character driven drama of the last decade. Their ability to balance all these elements enabled this show to dominate the zeitgeist for 2-3 years in the middle of the decade. It also makes it nearly impossible to jump in on now and makes every new episode worthy of substantial, if unfulfilling discussion. Regardless, I can’t not watch this show. I am completely convinced that this show has not won a new viewer over since the middle of season 1. I am terribly worried that with 18 hours left, people will not get every question answered and that will somehow undermine its legacy. There will never be another Lost. We should all be sad about that.



2. American Idol
Everyone watches this show. It turns people like the chick in clip below into super duper stars. It's a huge deal week in, week out. The dynamic between the judges is awesome and it was a juggernaut for most of the decade. So its #2, not #1.



Things That Make You Say GOOD GRAVY!

Evil


NBC Sports has posted a very good gallery of "Decade's Most Infamous Sports Moments." Nothing like a walk-through of other people's downfalls to make a sad, lonely drunk like me feel better about myself. I was familiar with most of the incidents in this compilation, but a couple were totally new to me and I could not help but say "Good Gravy!" as I read them.

#29 of 37: "In March of 2008, Formula One racing chief Max Mosley appeared with five prostitutes in a Nazi-themed sex video." Wow, this guy is checking off many boxes all at once. Good Gravy!

#30 of 37: "Immediately following the defeat of the Blues in the 2004 Stanley Cup Playoffs, St. Louis center Mike Danton was arrested on the charge of conspiracy to commit murder. According to the charges, Danton had attempted to outsource the murder of his agent, David Frost, to an undercover police officer posing as a hit man." At least I have to give this guy kudos for standing up to his agent. They're such blood-sucking fiends, those agents. Good Gravy!

One item conspicuous by its absence... Steve McNair and his crazy girlfriend's murder-suicide. What, that couldn't crack the top 37? Good Gravy!



Friday, December 25, 2009

Evil

This commercial only runs in the New York television markets, so I image that not all Hosers have seen it. Doing my civic duty and posting it here to make sure that all Hosers get a chance to see this commercial!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #7 True Blood

It is important to note that I have been consistently gay for vampires for most of my life, whereas the country as a whole goes through a pretty cyclical love affair. The end of the decade was the latest resurrection of America’s love affair with the bloodsucker.
More...
True blood is quite different from most other incarnations. For instance, instead of taking place somewhere more cosmopolitan it takes place in rural Louisiana. The world is very much like the setting for other vampire stories – similar to our own, but with a twist. Instead of vampires existing in hiding, they are an acknowledged if not quite accepted fact of life. True Blood is also totally gross on several levels. Humans take vampire blood (V) like it’s a drug and “fangbangers” love sexing vampires, pretty wild. Of course, it’s not only about vampires. The protagonist, Sookie, is a normal human (except she can read thoughts) and her boss is a were-person and the fry cook is a gay. Their problems though (stilted out of time dialogue aside), are terribly human. We are only two seasons in, but Alan Ball has already turned these goofy novels into totally must watch TV.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Evil's 2009 Year In Review - Wordle Edition

Evil

A Wordle created from every single Facebook status message I posted this year.

"DRAFT LE TROIS" campaign

Evil


Just saw this headline in the New York Times:


Yes, I'm thinking what you're thinking... we need to draft Le Trois to run for office!

I demand to be the campaign strategist because I called it first! Who can make a website? Who can raise funds? Who will manage the funds without siphoning off more than 50% on hookers, Viagra of Canadian origin and late night pizza delivery? Who can help re-brand and market this reluctant-but-patriotic man?

Hilarity Ensues...

Evil

Girl posts facebook status message inviting friends to her birthday party drinks at a bar called Happy Ending.

Friends weigh in with obligatory immature jokes about "happy ending."

Girl's 13 year old brother ("Jason") also comments... hilarity ensues!

(Now do you think he understands the joke in the previous comments? And do you think his comment was a joke too? I can't figure it out!)

The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #8 Battlestar Galactica

I suspect none of the fastidious forty ever watched this show. Unlike Glee, I found it hard to evangelize this show. How would I do it – “yeah…it is a remake of that dippy sci-fi show starring Face (pre-A- Team) but its so much more…” does not really sell it. Neither does “So it’s like the last 5 years of human civilization”, nor does “really it is an on going meditation about the natural tension of social evolution and how that impacts society’s notion of faith as referenced in an evolution from polytheism to monotheism…but in space”. So it’s all those things and so much more…want to watch? Yeah, did not think so…

More...The pitch for this show is simple enough. The last few thousand human beings in the universe are stuck on an increasingly decrepit space ship looking for a new home. They are being terrorized by their “children” - hot human looking robots – because the humans refuse denounce polytheism and embrace the love of the one true monotheistic God that the robots worship (or something). I am not even remotely kidding. Over its 5 seasons the show moves in all sorts of disturbing ways as humans become increasingly desperate. It is pretty tough to watch and the highs never quite match the lows. Watch people debate hot robots about faith and destiny. Try to figure out just how completely insane Dr. Baltar is as he argues with his super ego (in the guise of the hottest looking robot ever). This show is also the logical extreme of serialized inaccessible lunacy that television networks explored in the 00s to drive up DVD sales. More than anything, this show is one story…clearly I am biased.

Pop Culture Images of the Decade

Ah, yes Larry Birkhead, you are a winner.

No fewer than 5 men claimed to be the father of little Dannielyn, daughter of Anna Nicole Smith, and you came out on top. Congrats. You must rea$$y, rea$$y, rea$$y love that child.

Here we see your quiet dignity in the months following the death of your daughter's mother.

Evil Loses Again

Evil


First the Well-Profiled Friend comes off the market. Now I get word that Carrie Underwood is engaged... to some major goon! Look at that guy's jaw! Holy smokes. How many generations of inbreeding have his family been through? If you look at his family tree, I bet it's shaped like a ladder. Although he's not all bad... I hear he traces his heritage back to royalty, the Hapsburgs of Austria.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Crowdsourcing New Years Resolutions

Evil


Dear Hose Community,

I've been told that I need to improve myself. Honestly, I don't see it. But nevertheless, I'll go with it. Please tell me which areas I should improve, in the form of New Years Resolutions. Put your suggestions in the comments section. No need to limit yourself to one! (Best suggestion will win a non-leaded prize from China.)

Thanks jagoffs,
Evil

D**che Sighting: Brett Favre

Jets fans do have something to cheer! Brett is falling apart, is arguing with coaches and refusing to be pulled from games! YAH! YAH! F you, Brett!

The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #9 Gilmore Girls

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Pop Culture Images of the Decade

Take note, fellas. This is what love looks like.

If you love your wife (beard), and want the world to know it, you need to act irrationally, in public, on tv, just like Tom Cruise did.

This. Is. Love.

Now Only Peyton Is Perfect

Evil

Wow! DeMarcus Ware makes Drew Brees his bitch.

Not that I'm a Cowboys supporter by any means, but I'm glad they beat the Saints. The Saints and especially Drew Brees always seemed like a bit of a fraud to me. Also, Drew Brees sports a Hulk Hogan hair style. Cmon, dude.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Revelations While Sleeping

Evil


Sometimes I fantasize that I will one day rise to power and rule the entire world, if not the entire universe. Sometimes I walk through the details of this empire in my head. I will have a small circle of trusted advisors and one of them will certainly be a cat, specifically, my temp roommate. I will give the the temp roommate an important role in the inner circle, like Chief Diplomat or Head of Technology. But after what happened last night, I'm afraid that the temp roommate has ruled himself out for the role of Chief Strategic Military Planner.

It's been getting quite cold here in Shanghai and these Chinese buildings have virtually no insulation at all. It gets very cold at night unless the heat is on. So recently, I've started letting the temp roommate sleep in my bedroom since that's the only room where i turn on the heat at night. He usually sleeps in his little kitty bed at the foot of my bed. But occasionally, he jumps into my bed for some reason, as he did last night.

But last night, he did a weird thing. Instead of sleeping on the corner of my bed as he is wont to do, he started burrowing underneath my comforter. This burrowing woke me up from a deep sleep induced by three or four vodka tonics consumed alone between the hours of 10pm and midnight. I was sleeping in the fetal position and I felt the temp roommate snuggling up against my butt. Fearing future repercussions of such inappropriate bedroom behavior, I sat up, grabbed the temp roommate, and tossed him off the bed. Sometime later in the evening, I felt the familiar burrowing underneath the comforter. Burrowing, burrowing, burrowing. Again, the temp roommate was at my butt. But this time, instead of being content to snuggle up to my bottom, he kept burrowing his nose into my ass.

Then it struck me. I can never let the temp roommate be my Chief Strategic Military Planner. He'd get himself killed and bring down my entire military with him. What was he thinking burrowing his nose into my butt? Doesn't he know that all I'd need to do is lay down the boom and he'd be wiped out? I considered it, but decided to hold back, mostly because I wasn't sure if my weaponry was in gaseous state or solid/semi-liquid state. Better not risk it. I tossed him off the bed again and quietly sobbed myself back into a deep slumber.

Weather... or Large Member?

Evil


Is it snowing in the Northeast? I've been seeing messages like, "Wow, 9 inches!" and "9 to 12 inches... can't wait!" in my Facebook status message feed. Please confirm if a snowstorm is approaching... of if John Holmes is on the loose.

Evil

This baby was born without a brain and has survived a full year. It's being hailed as a Christmas miracle. I say, BAH-HUMBUG!



So what, this kid is a year old? Our very own Manolo has survived a full 38 years without a brain. And look at what a full life he's led. I say we give Manolo his due! Yay for Manolo!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Greatest Interview Ever? Maybe...

You might have caught my new besties on Leno or Jimmy Kimmel or George Lopez (he's bringing the party back to late night...have you heard? no? Me neither) but the only appearance that was awesome was their proper interview with Conan.




It got me thinking - isn't it time to thin the herd a bit. I know NBC has Leno on at a 10 because its cheaper than scripted TV or a reality show, but can he just go away? I mean seriously. If they are that worried about cost, they could just QVC us for an hour...oh who cares, I don't watch any of this crap anyway. I am just copying gawker posts for your amusement.

The OOs: TV Shows We Liked to Watch: #10

Following the same drill as before, I decided to highlight some of the shows that I thought were important in the last ten years. Same rules as before, but I liked Killer B #1's style so much I am going to do them one post at a time but with a twist. I am actually doing this countdown style. So I have 10 to get to, and sometime around December 31st I will unveil what I thought was the show of the decade
So without further ado...
More...
The Chappelle Show: No show soared higher or flamed out more quickly. White kids everywhere started declaring themselves Rick James, even though most had no idea who Rick James was. People were talking about it everywhere and almost entirely by accident in a way that no one ever talked about Half Baked, even though I always argued we should.

Everyone knows how this story ended. Dave had an incredibly successful second season and then was offered $50MM to do several additional seasons. An offer he accepted then ran away from as he became less comfortable with the show and the pressures of fame and fortune.

Of course, the weirdest thing about all this, was how aware Chappelle was of his undoing as seen is this clip below...

Chappelle's Show
Dave Has $55 Million
www.comedycentral.com
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDsBlack ComedyTrue Hollywood Story

Pop Culture Images of the Decade

Oh Man. Who can forget this crazy lady, with her crazy eyes? Is she the craziest looking person ever?

So why was everyone so surprised when the "Runaway Bride" Jennifer Wilbanks disappeared in 2005? As you'll recall, she went out for a jog in her ritzy Atlanta neighborhood and disappeared.

I'm not certain, but I think this was kinda the kickoff to the news media's "missing white girl" fetish. Or maybe it was Chandra Levy? But that was more of a political thriller.

Anyway, Wilcox hadn't been abducted and taken to Albuquerque by a Hispanic man as she claimed. She had just gone nuts.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Amazing Photo!

Evil


If you want to see a photo if a croc biting off a person's arm, click here. (Warning: graphic image! Don't click if squeamish.) Amazingly, the arm was reattached. I find that hard to believe.

Pop Culture Images of the Decade

Ah - now this one is classic. Most of you will remember this as the famous Superbowl "wardrobe malfunction". Parents were outraged. JT was embarrassed. Janet Jackson was momentarily famous again. And, Evil came within an inch of seeing his first real boob ever.

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy (or Gal)

Evil

Re-ject-ed!!! :(

It's All Xtian's Fault

Evil


And now, scientific proof that XTIAN and his "geeky" ways scared off all the chicks while we were at university. Damn you, XTIAN. You suck.

Pop Culture Images of the Decade

Ah - Adorable Prince Harry, he's so cute and innocent..... WTF!!!, is he dressed like a Nazi?

Oh, Harry, you royal douchebag. You've lived such a sheltered life you really don't know what offends people. Some day you will grow up and make Grandpa Philip seem seem positively charming and compassionate by comparison.