Manolo Gets An Email

I received the following email at 10:37 PM on Saturday evening:

From: [Balls Mahoney]
To: [Mrs. Balls, Manolo, Evil Twin #1, “Chris”, The W Train]
Cc: [Evil Twin #2]

Hey, you cats remember the whitewater rafting trip and the car trip discussion about 'guilty pleasure' movies?IRON EAGLE!!Yeah, baby - it's on right now!!! (And just as cheesy as ever)

The first thing I wonder is why Balls is at home on a Saturday evening sending emails instead of having crazy wild sex with Mrs. Balls.

The second thing I wonder is why he is choosing to watch “Iron Eagle” instead of “Red Dawn” which was playing on TV as well…

Does anyone remember Red Dawn?

That’s a GREAT guilty pleasure movie. Action packed military fantasy with a bunch of teenage militia hiding out in the Colorado Rockies striking back against invading Russian troops occupying the Western USA. I won’t even mention Patrick Swayze or that it was Charlie Sheen’s first film. Go Wolverines!!!

All I know is that Balls has his priorities all screwed up…his only saving grace is that at least it wasn’t “The Man from Snowy River” or “Ladyhawke."

Victory! (redux)

Evil



After winning the British Open, Tiger 'roid raged. After winning the PGA Championship earlier today, Tiger 'roid raged again (above). Someone take a urine sample!

Who Moved My Cheese?

KenTak3, Bruno, and I decided to hang in last night, for a calm, disruption-free, Saturday evening. While we were all quietly enjoying our lovely lettuce, chicken, and Thai peanut salad from Fairway and watching Lifetime movie with Patrick McDermott (Dr. McDreamy) and Kimberly Williams-Paisley (former sorority sister and bride of "Father of the Bride"), KenTak3 spots little brown mouse dashing along the kitchen wall into the bathroom. Below are subsequent events over the next few hours...

9:08 PM
KenTak3: "I'll keep an eye on the mouse and you go get sticky traps at the deli."
Mamacita: "Ok. What are you going to do if he runs by?" ...but really thinking "How brilliant, KenTak3, you are to observe mouse running through apartment while I venture out in the hood buying useless sticky traps."

9:15 PM
Mamacita (arriving back to apartment, with sticky traps in hand): "What is mouse doing now?"
KenTak3 (reading Golf Digest): "Hiding in the corner of the bathroom."
Mamacita: "Let's take out all toiletries to get ready for bed, brush teeth in kitchen sink, put sticky traps in bathroom with cheese on them, and barracade bathroom door with textbooks."
KenTak3: "You are always so genious, Mamacita."

6:02 AM (waking early for Sunday golf outing in NJ)
KenTak3 (after investigating bathroom): "Mouse is still in the corner."
Mamacita: "Unfortunately, looks like we need to cancel golf outing to deal with mouse. Let's line the exit to the bathroom door with all 10 sticky traps so mouse has nowhere to exit.
KenTak3: "Ok. You are always so genious, Mamacita."

6:15 AM - 6:28 AM
Mamacita: "There he goes, there he goes!! ... Get him!! ... Die, you nasty !^&%$#*, die!!"

...Wrestling ensues between KenTak3 and mouse...

6:34 AM
Kentak3 exits apartment to dispose of mouse sandwiched between 2 sticky traps in Fairway plastic shopping bags.
Mamcita: "You're my hero, Kentak3."

Go Papi! Go!

My grandfather, not only can he outdance me, but he can also kick my ass and probably beat me in a foot race...

Bump put it well "I don't need him around making me feel bad about myself"

The woman is Dr. Jay's lovely new bride. She is posing as though she misjudged the surface temperature of something she reached for. Yes that's right, she's droppin it like its hot

That Bald guy

For those people into this you should check out Tony Kornheisher on the Washington Post. In addition to being Michael Wilbon's "hetero life mate" he is also the new third man in the monday night football booth. He is having a good time keeping a journal...

For those of you not into this stuff you should go back to spanking it

Asshole Move? Or OK?

Evil

I used to work at a company that makes technology to automate call centers. So essentially, we were in the business of shutting down call centers and putting people out of work. Ugh. Terrible, I know. Anyway, that was years ago. But one interesting learning from that job: I have a better than average knowledge of how call centers work. For example, if you call 800-555-1212 (toll free directory assistance) and ask the operator "What's your name?", by procedure, they have to tell you. You can also ask them "Where are you located?" and they have to tell you that too.

I also know in general how the management structure at call centers work. Most call centers always have a supervisor on duty for a certain number of reps. And if you ask to speak to the supervisor, the reps generally have to transfer you.

Today, I was calling about a late order and found the rep extremely condescending and not helpful. I had her transfer me to her supervisor. I laid out an arguement about how I received service that was "frustrating" and "not at the level I'd expect from the [store name here] brand." I think I used the word "disappointing" at least twice, for emphasis.

In the end this is what I got:

- 10% off of my order for my "inconvenience," plus

- the supervisor telling me he would call the rep into his office tomorrow and "have a talk with her," plus

- a heaping serving of guilt

Was that an Asshole Move? Or OK?

Worries, worries

Evil



I live on the 2nd floor of a six-floor walkup. Last week, the super posted a notice about bedbugs being reported in 2 apartments on the 5th floor. No sweat, I think. That's the fifth floor. Today, the super posted a new notice: bed bugs now spotted on the 3rd floor. CRAP! I need to move outta here, and fast.

Potentially Bad News

Evil

I think I might be pregnant. My tummy keeps getting bigger and bigger.

This is Fun

Has anyone cheked out the wikipedia entry for their hometown? I did. Check it out here.

Scenes from a wedding...

(continued from last week)

Dr. Jay's wedding rocked! "Classic", "best of" wedding, right down a re-enactment of the scene from Godfather III where our large, unwieldly, extended family got together and posed for a massive family portrait. At one point during the picture I noticed that 60% of the wedding invitees were standing for this photo. Some of whom felt new to me. Are we multiplying? Is the Velez family tribble-like?

As discussed, I was related to most people at this wedding. Very few chicks in the mix. One was my escort for the evening. She was a redhead. 30 years into my life I still don't know if I find redheads attractive. it's foreign to me so its always interesting but I am never sure its good stuff. Not knowing what to do when i noticed her at the rehearsal dinner I made Bumpasaurus sit at their table while i acted like I needed to catch up with my little cousin. Upon returning, I made Bump explain whether she was hot or not...

Bump- "who? The old lady?"

You can always count on the Bump. For what? Only the little baby jesus knows...

But I digress, I'll admit she smelled odd. Well she did not actually smell odd, I just did not like her scent. Further, it was hot that day (like stupid hot) and so this scent that i was not a huge fan of was for, whatever reason, more pronounced. Still bored out of my mind, I engaged her in dancing. I explained to her that salsa is in triple and merengue was in duple. This is a fact, Jon-El has told me. I really have no idea what to do with this information myself but she nodded knowingly...like i was giving her great advise.

As we were getting drinks we had the following exchange


Her: "I need to get a phD, but i can't"
Me: "oh why?"
Her: "you would not understand, you're too young."
Me: "how old do you imagine i am"
Her: "i am guessing around Dr. Jay's age...just under 30"
Me: "good guess..."
Her: "too young"
Me: "huh"
Her: "i'm thirty-six"
Me: "goddamn.."
Her: "unlike [the bride] i have no one to support me, I'm by myself. I don't have a great guy like Dr. Jay to take care of me while i do this"
Me: "right, oh look there's my grandmother, I have to go say hi to her"

Later, on another woman grabbed me for a dance. She was the little sister of the best man, could not be older than 26ish...

Her: "thanks for dancing with me...you're pretty good"
Me: (to myself) "poor child, has she been surrounded by white people her whole life, I look ridiculous...I'm having fun"
Me: (to her) "thanks..you too"
Her: "I just really appreciate it"
Me: "Como?"
Her: "I come to these things and only dance with my girls...its no fun"
The Journey song - Don't stop Believin - comes on, we are now holding each other. this is suddenly a 3rd grade dance.
Little girls (8 and 6 were their ages)
Her: "these are my girls"
Me: "huh? Um...hello little girls"
the four of us danced for a minute. then thankfully the song ended.

Her: "are you going back to the hotel?"
Me: "nah, i am going home" I yelled to my brother "Bump go bring around the car"

Cowardice, thy name is xtian.

Earlier this week, I had lunch with a friend and I was telling her these stories. She asked why I mention all this. I noticed that it was because she smelled just like the bridesmaid who was looking for financial support. When challenged she promised she was wearing no scent. I blamed her moisturizer. Her eyes got LC like "big and pensive", she was judging my sanity.

No Loitering

Does anyone ever want to stop and stare at those American Apparel Ads on the street as you walk by. I do, but I am immediately overcome with a fear that someone will judge me for staring at young girls.

With that in mind, here is a link to their photo gallery. Stare away.

Did you guys know they were political? Read their mission statement, who thought $5 tees could be such a slap against the man?

How much A$$ do we suppose this guy gets off the MySpace?

check this out!

Bachelor Party Blues

There are two camps in my life

(1) The people who think i'm the life of the party. The people who think I am hooking up nightly. The people who asume I know where to go and when and theoretically could get them coke even though I don't seem to use much myself.
(2) The people who love me but ultimately think I'm wack. The people who invite me out and expect me to run home at 2am. The people who hesitate inviting me out because I might try to make out with their cute cousin/sister/girlfriend/mother and then leave without saying good bye at 11:45.

The truth is I'm somewhere in the middle. I am neither a great friend nor a crappy one. I neither stay out all night or am a shut in. In reality I am somewhere in between. But no one knows this. They just see point in time examples that reveal me to be one and only one of the aformentioned scenarios.

Regardless, its a lot of pressure. How do I live up to these expectations, its tough stuff.

Late June: I am in boston having lunch outside with my brother Balls Mahoney. The phone rings. An amiable fellow is on the other end and he claims to be the best man to my cousin, Dr. Jay. He asks my help in planning an eventual bachelor party. We agree this is a good idea. We discuss a party in NY. I am hesitant. 8 guys in NY sounds like a Sangay plan that always goes ary. However, I promise to put some thought into said plan and get back to him. Our conversation is even keeled and casual. Surprisingly so, given that I hate talking to people I love on the phone, i doubly hate talking to people I don't know. We tacitly agree that by the transitive property we are brothers, as we both consider Dr J a brother. Yes that's right, this summer I have declared everyone brother.

We confirm a plan over the next few weeks to drag J up to Manhattan - feed him a steak, get him drunk and stare at titties. I also do some research into where we could go find an illegal blackjack game in manhattan around 5am should we need to. I'll make a side comment here that long ago Manolo taught me that if you go to the right place at 5am you could find all the blackjack, crystal meth and tranny prostitutes you want. I have never understood why it was important to Manolo that I understand this as in the 7 years since I have never put this information to good use. I'm sure Manolo has though, haven't you champ?

That morning, the Bumpasaurus is meant to arrive from Florida. He is no where to be seen. Anxious calls reveal he is still in Orlando. Further calls reveal that his original flight to Newark is cancelled. His bag was checked to go to JFK but he fell asleeep and now is on a flight to laguardia landing at 10pm. He asks that I claim his back at JFK for him. I say "of course" because outer Queens is so MOTHEF*CKING convienent for me to get to. A**HOLE...

We meet up at The Old Homestead around 9pm. It's myself, Dr. Jay, the best man, Will the tool, and some other dr. We eat a great steak. Will The Tool, the youngest guy there complains a lot about his sapphire and tonic. We all mock him its fun.

We conviene with the Bump at The Maritime around 11pm. Bump is upset no one is drunk. We have a few drinks outside. Will the Tool is still complaining. Bump asks what his problem is. I suggest its simply that he sucks. Bump throws up his hands in disgust.

En route to another bar, The Wisdom of Masses is played out right before my eyes. Will the tool stops at several bodegas looking for his brand of cigarrettes. Some joke that he is looking for menthols (which I guess is a closet joke about black people, but will is very white and though he says "yooo" quite a bit I just don't get it)...the joke about him looking for Viriginia Slims more closely hits the mark...and everyone nods in a approval, their silence voting this the winning diss.

At around the 4th bar, we agree shots are necessary. We go nuts. The tool refuses to do shots. Bump calls him gay and then a fag. Bump is not drunk per se, just sort of a d*ck. Finally The tool relents, takes the shot and then proceeds to throw up immediately. I have just turned around to settle the tab so I miss the scene. It's fine Bump is on the scene. He takes the tool outside to get fresh air. En route Bump notices that Tool threw up all over Dr. Jay and grabbed him and took him to the rest room.

Watching the mexican busboys clean up the mess harkens me back to Evil in Chicago drink Mojitos till he vomited. That has to count as a "Classic" "Best of" episode "EVIL AND XTIAN hate themselves".

I decide we need to leave. Thankfully, the good people at Old Homestead gave me several free passes to Privildge. We stop at a car wash on the west side highway so Dr Jay can hose himself off some more. and Tool can wash his shoes which have vomit all over them.

At the strip club I watch A-Rod strike out 4 times in one game. ESPN replays it pitch by pitch. What does it say about me that I would rather watch that than a croatian immigrant strip? I overhear a stripper ask Jay if it's raining outside as his shirt is so wet. The Tool comes by and asks if we can go to a better strip club. I ask him to go sit still on the other side of the table and not speak to me anymore. Bump is having a good time. So am I. So is the Doctor, I guess then it's all good in the hood.

We stopped by Pizza 33 to say what's up and eat. I introduce the owner to my brother. He asks Bump if he is adopted as he looks nothing like me. Bump is visibly shaken by the thought of this possibilty and revisits this topic several times over the next week.

The next day Dr Jay and I are speaking on the phone. He thanks me as he had a fabulous time.
Next
Part 2 - Scenes from a Wedding

Boneless Girl

This kept me amused for several hours of the day today. As described, you "click, drag, and drop boneless girl."

Hey Manolo, doesn't this look like the girl you kissed, tried to kiss, thought you kissed, etc...?

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil



I will eat you!

Mid-Life Crisis(es)

Last night was a bit of a college reunion of sorts at Arlene's Grocery, where two bands came down from Beantown and played for an entourage of alumni from 1993 - 1999. Band members included an M-Eye-Tee PhD student, soon-to-be Atlanta university professor (post-PhD obviously), and a Rhodes Scholar MD-PhD in genetics from Haavaahd.

The smartest band Arlene's has ever seen I would guess.

Who has time to learn to sing and play in a band? All I have time for is heating up frozen noodle dinners and playing with Bruno.

While these future Nobel Laureates were jamming on stage, a bunch of us sat in the corner commiserating over how you don't really get to think in Corporate America - and things don't happen very quickly.

Who wants to start a band with me? I bet we can get that up and running pretty quickly...

Hi People

Evil

- Floyd Landis is innocent. The thing they're trying to do to him is a travesty.

- Big Head and I had burgers and beer together a couple of days ago.

- What's with all the flash floods in NYC this summer? Is the end of the world near?

- Why are Manolor's posts so mysterious? (BTW Manolo, it's not surprising that a girl wouldn't notice if you kissed her. I've heard that girls don't even notice when you penetrate.)

- I'm so chubby now that doing ordinary things is more difficult. For example, tying my shoelaces.

- I've recently noticed that I'm smelly. It's disturbing.

More Open Letters

Evil

Dear Guy At The Gym With The Milkiest Man Titties I Have Ever Seen,

Dude, the fact that you wear a skin tight Under Armour shirt is not helping the matter. Stop lying to yourself.

-----

Dear Guy At The Gym Who's In Love With His Own Cleavage,

Dude, guys do not really flaunt their cleavage. And if you were to, just go all the way and buy a muscle-shirt tank top. But no, you insist on working out in a (very) low v-neck Haynes tshirt. Who does that?? Oh, you.

-----

Dear People On The Subway,

Listen, they call it Rush Hour for a reason. People are in a rush. When the subway door opens and you step in, don't just STOP right there at the doorway. Move the heck in, people! It may SEEM like I'm jamming my groin region into yours, but really, I'm just trying to get to work on time.

Manolo Manscapes... and Lives To Tell

Evil

Manolo, you are so hilarious. Your post on craigslist is a classic.

Dear ESPN

Evil
I wrote and email to the ESPN.com people today. My email will never see the light of day, of course. But it felt better just writing it.

-----
Dear product managers, customer support team, and anyone who might be reading this at ESPN:

I don't imagine that I'm the first to write in about this, but I just need to get this off my chest... PLEASE stop it with the auto-play ads where Trey Wingo is hawing Mobile ESPN. You know it's annoying to your users. I think in your hearts you know that auto-playing the ads is disrepectful to your users. Yet you do it anyway.

I realize that you're a business and you need to make money. However, I think there's conclusive ad market research that says, beyond a certain number of ad impressions, the incremental impressions will make no difference whatsoever. That limit is somewhere between 3 and 5, depending on what research you believe. I had that Trey Wingo ad auto-play on my about 8 gazillion times now. Really.

I've started getting my sports news from FoxSports. I'll admit that typing "espn.com" is part of my muscle memory, but you know what, every week I find myself visiting FoxSports more and more.

You likely don't care about losing me -- a single user. But I'm sure many others feel the same way. Please, just asking for a little consideration and respect. It's a better way to sustain a loyal user base and positive brand.

Best regards,
(Evil's real name)
(Evil's real email address)
(Evil's real phone number)

Victory!

Evil



Tiger Woods won the British Open golf championships today and stuck it to his many doubters who said that steroids couldn't possibly be helpful to golfers. Game of finess my ass! Check out Tiger 'roid raging.

The Greatest Actor of Our Generation

Evil



The Greatest Actor of Our Generation? Woody Harrelson! He doesn't get enough credit, but think about all his virtuoso performances, including: The People vs. Larry Flint, Natural Born Killers, North Country, and White Men Can't Jump. Is there any male actor from our generation who's better? No!

Quote of the Day

Evil

I (briefly) saw my parents today. My mom said to me, "If you've been working out, how come you're still so chubby?" Thanks, mom.

Manolo Kisses A Girl On The Cheek

Last night I met up with a friend of the female persuasion...we go out a lot for dinner and drinks and there is quite a bit of ongoing sexual tension but for a variety of reasons I won't get into right now, we have kept it strictly platonic.

Last night we met for drinks and after a bottle or so of champagne, we decided to go to a club and try out some of the dance moves I picked up watching So You Think You Can Dance?.

After the successful completion of a very tightly gripped Salsa turn, I proceeded to kiss her on the cheek. All this happened in very slow motion because as I was kissing her, I realized what I was doing...You see, during a normal Manolo-woman romantic interaction, kiss on the cheek during a dance with little to non-existent space between the dancers is ONE of my patented ways of assesing the romantic disposition of my companion. Allowing me a kiss on the cheek opens the door for me to eventually stroke her hair or lower my hand a bit or caress her face or kiss her on the neck leading to that eventual first kiss...

Since I caught myself in the middle of this, I avoided immediate eye contact after the kiss and kept dancing so I really don't know what her reaction was.

The point of the story is and this is mainly directed to our one or two female readers...do you think she noticed? Do I keep my mouth shut and or do I clear the air by talking about what happened?

Manolo Gets Sued For Sexual Harrasment


Wouldn't the other world leaders qualify as co-workers? Doesn't that mean that Bush is on the fast track for sensitivity in the workplace training? If it had been me, I would have been sued for sexual harrasment...

Manolo's Public Service Announcement #2

A ten gallon hat hold only three quarters of a gallon. Wanna mess with Texas? Try simple math.

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil



Hurtin'.

Michelle Wie Preggers??? More Proof!

Evil



AH! More proof that Michelle Wie is preggers. She pulled out of a golf tournament today, apparently due to "heat exhaustion." But check out the photo of her today. Holding her tummy! I think there's something kicking around in there.

What a Nice Guy

Evil



I'm in Washington DC today. I was just watching some ESPN on the hotel room TV. They were doing this "Make A Wish" segment with a dying 6 year old boy, Andrew, and his hero, New England Patriots linebacker Tedy Bruschi.

Usually, the Make A Wish stuff drives me nuts because why waste a good wish on someone who's 4 weeks away from kicking the bucket? But this particular segment was good, not because of the wimpy little kid, but because of Tedy Bruschi. On the field, he crushes pipsqueak running backs, but off the field, Tedy is just a guy who's good with kids.

The cameras showed him taking little Andrew around the stadium for an entire day. All along the way, Tedy made sure to explain all the details of what happens on an NFL game day. He was very detailed: from getting dressed, to doing the team cheer, to patting teammates on the shoulder pads before hitting the field. When the two got onto the field, Tedy was calling plays and handing the ball off to little Andrew. He let Andrew score a touchdown. And then for the post-game, they even did a little mock press conference, so Andrew could talk about his game-winning touchdown with only 3 imaginary seconds left (in the game, not his life). After ALL that, as if Tedy wasn't worn down enough, he even hit the showers with little Andrew. Tedy Bruschi is a good man.

Manolo's Public Service Announcement #1

Those girls in the 1-900 commercials aren’t necessarily the ones answering the phones. You’ve been warned...

Picking Up the Pieces...

Some days are like this.

Trading Up

Did anyone read this article? This guy is a genius!! If I were to follow him, it would go like this, and I would never have to leave my desk since all these items are from the [insert my company’s name here] internal bulletin board:

• A photo of Bruno for “Fitness DVDs”
• “Fitness DVDs” for “Cab share to JFK” (using KenTak3’s car)
• “Cab share to JFK” for “Dave Matthews Tickets”
• “Dave Matthews Tickets” for “American Idols Live Concert tickets” (thinking of Evil... but nevermind since Kelly Clarkson not on the tour)
• “American Idols tickets” for “$400 in Circuit City Gift Cards”
• “Circuit City Gift Cards” for “Lost wedding band” (after making proxy wedding band)
• “Lost wedding band” for “Men's Movado Sports Edition--Silver Face” (birthday gift for X-Tian)
• “Men's Movado Sports Edition--Silver Face” for “Week in Italian Villa” (trading out since X-Tian does not like bithdays, birthday gifts, or being timely anyway)
• “Week in Italian Villa” for “Hot Rod Lincoln - Mark VII - custom 5 speed, 5.0, very fast” (thinking of Mr. Shoulders)
• “Hot Rod Lincoln” for “Estee Lauder Makeup and Perfume Sets” (at the end of the day you need to look and smell good to get a man, woman or both)

Manolo Answers Some Questions

Wow Evil...I saw your comment...you are one impatient Asian...couldn't wait ONE week...

These are my answers to the questions posed last week which I found myself after extensive research on Google on my part. I was hoping to that some answers would actually come from our beloved Hose readers but like always, they fail to produce when it really counts...

Q: Do you know the way to San Jose?
A: I actually don't...First, I couldn't choose between San Jose, California or San Jose, Costa Rica. I eventually chose San Jose, Costa Rica and tried to Mapquest the trip to no avail...

Q: Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?
A: I tried to answer it but then I realized I didn't speak French so I used one of those nifty online translators. After finally figuring out how the translator worked, I was a bit confused. I didn't know if I was asking somebody else or if I was asking myself that question...to make my life and those of around me simpler, I will just say the answer is NO!!!

Q: How deep is your love?
A: I know Evil is reserving any personal answer to that question for his future cell mate. But assuming you’re asking me to generalize on those of a more feminine persuasion, the answer is: not very deep at all. I was privately relieved to discover that the average woman’s vagina is actually only about three inches from the opening to the cervix—but it expands during sex to accommodate nearly any size penis (as Evil’s mother’s exhaustive research has clearly proved). Still, if you think this means the deeper the love, the stronger the emotion, your whitesnake has another thing coming. In fact, sailing a big meat gondola into a short tunnel of love can shipwreck the mood-bumping against the woman’s cervix will actually make intercourse more painful for her. There’s no need for you to try any deep drilling anyway. According to sexual therapists, the vast majority of never endings are in the front third of the woman's love canal. So thankfully, the little squirts that compromise many of our Hose readers should be able to help their mate strike oil…

If you want a more lovey-dovey answer, you can try the following online quiz...

Q: If a No. 2 pencil is the world’s most popular pencil, why is it still No. 2?
A: I think is because everybody feels that they are not good enough to be No. 1. Therefore they can never use anything that’s No. 1.

Q: Who’s faster, the Road Runner or Speedy Gonzalez?
A: The world grinds to a halt awaiting an answer to this question. Oddly, the most obnoxious bird in the Mojave and the fastest mouse in Mexico have yet to face off, at least from what I was able to read online. Forget the roadrunner preys on mice and would gobble Speedy up before he could say “ole”. Zoologists who study the roadrunner (a flightless member of the cuckoo family) and garden-variety mouse suspect that the rodent isn’t up to speed and place their bets on the bird. Roadrunners clock an average 15 miles per hour while mice can only run two or three miles per hour. Besides, speedy’s sombrero would probably create some drag and slow him down even more.

Now I can finally get some sleep...

Dear Readers...

Evil



Dear Readers,

Maybe someone out there knows the answer... What's with soul patches? I don't get it. Why do soul patches exist? Is it to say:

"Hey, I'm a wimp!"

Or...

"Hey, I'm non-commital about facial hair!"

Or...

"Hey, this is my mouth, but I want you to treat it like a vagina!"

Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

Too European

Evil



What the hell happened?! My TV is overwhelmed with European sports. Thankfully, we're getting rid of two today: it's the last day of Wimbledon and also the last day of the World F'ing Cup. But the Tour de France is still going strong and we're getting ANOTHER two weeks of it. I've actually been watching some Tour de France on ch. 122, the Outdoor Life Network (which is an ironic name because it's basically a channel for people whose only exposure to "outdoor life" is via their TV). I've learned that they have weird fashion rules in cycling. There are all these special jerseys that mean something:

Yellow Jersey - Overall race ("General Classification") leader

White Jersey - Best Young Rider (under 25)

Green Jersey - Sprint Leader

Polka Dot Jersey - King of the Mountains

But there's more! Get this... if you're the cycling campion of your country, you don't wear your cycling team's colors (e.g. The Discovery Channel team, The T-Mobile team, etc.)... Instead, you wear your country colors. Same thing applies if you're the world champion: you wear a rainbow jersey. Oh wait. This is all very complicated. I can't remember if the rainbow jersey means you're champion of the world, or just champion of Brokeback Mountain. Please, no more European sports! (But more Sumo Wrestling on ESPN2. That stuff rocks.)

Michelle Wie Preggers???

Evil



I've watched Michelle Wie on TV the past couple of weeks... and it looks like she's preggers! I didn't find anything reported in the news / online, so you heard it here first! I want credit for making this call.

Manolo Goes Online

What kind of warped hidden camera show is this? I am sure it could only have been done by Kentak3's people...

Is There REALLY A Difference?

Evil

Manolo Asks Some Questions

The following questions have been keeping me up at night...

Q: Do you know the way to San Jose?

Q: Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?

Q: How deep is your love?

Q: If a No. 2 pencil is the world’s most popular pencil, why is it still No. 2?

Q: Who’s faster, the Road Runner or Speedy Gonzalez?

I will post my answers to these burning questions next week...

Bye Bye Becks

Evil

It's been a tough couple of days for David Beckham.

First, he pulls himself out of his team's match vs. Portugal due to "injury." As he sat on the sidelines with teary face buried in hands, his team was booted out of the World Cup.

Following that, Becks called a press conference to announce that he's quitting as England's team captain. But Becks stressed that he still plans to compete for his country, just not as captain. When asked by reporters what led him to this decisions, Becks said: "Because I wanted to spend more time with The Bumpasaurus."

Outdated Movie Review - American History X

Evil



In American History X, Edward Norton plays a skinhead... a very buff skinhead. Just when did Edward Norton get so buff? Norton delivers a brilliant feat of acting in this movie, and not just because he manages to pull off not looking like the skinny little twerp that he is.

Overall, this movie is amazing. I think it's just a shame that they ran out of budget and had to film some scenes in black and white. There's no telling what the full potential of this movie could have been.

This is a movie that really makes one think. For example:

- Avery Brooks (from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine), plays a guy with 2 PhDs, is the Principal of Norton's high school, and rides around with the LAPD on skinhead crime investigations. How does someone have time to do all that and still be the captain of a star ship? Dude, I know how far away Deep Space Nine is. It's more than a 45 minute commute from out there to L.A.

- There's a scary rape scene in this movie, where 5 dudes grab Norton in the prison shower and then this huge dude, who must have been 8 feet fall, takes Norton from behind. Despite his tough guy role, Norton also demonstrates that he as sensitive insides: in the scene following the shower rape, he cries like a little bitch and begs Avery Brooks to spring him from jail.

- After Norton gets raped for the first time, I didn't understand why he immediately went and alienated his crew, the other skin heads. They were the only thing keeping Norton's butt away from everyong in prison who hated him, namely the huge black dudes.

OK, enough blogging. I need to go watch another movie.

Kelly Clarkson (again)

Evil

I love Kelly Clarkson so much that I don't even mind watching commercials. In fact, I love it every time this commercial comes on TV.



I didn't enter the contest mentioned at the end of the commercial, but I am going to go see Kelly Clarkson in concert! Have tickets for August 4th at the Shoreline Amphitheatre in Mountain View, CA. Woooo! Kelly, I'll be wearing the custom t-shirt that says "Chubby But Cute." Look for me!

Stick It Up Your Ass

Evil



The amazing thing is, they stuck this lightbulb up his ass while he was sleeping!

Turning 30

here are three birthday wishes that were extended to me last week. One was a voicemail, one an email and the third a snail mail birthday card.

(1)...Hope you have your face in the lap of some skank...
(2)Hope you enjoyed a relaxing one yesterday...or a wildly crazy and exciting one, where you don't remember much but woke up handcuffed to a hot blond chic.....
(3)fanciful idea of impregnating some random girl now that you're thirty...

All the well wishers were women. (1) was my cousin of all people. She seems angry at women for some reason.

What's going on here? There is a lot of mysogeny on the table right now. Are people reading the blog and confusing me for evil? Do people assume I'm Mr. Shoulders- guilt by association?

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil



Getting out of bed is hard.

Being 30

Evil



I'm glad I was born 30 years ago, instead of 30,000 years ago. Because if it there the latter, I would be Homo Erectus.

Watching Beckham "Bend It"

Evil

If you're Ecuadorian, it might be better if you don't watch.

The Ecuadorians Lost To THESE Guys?

Evil

These photos were taken earlier today, after England's David Beckham (the white one) beat Ecuador in the 60th minute with a free kick. The match ended, England 1, Ecuador 0. Xtian's people lose to THESE guys? If that's true, I bet Xtian's people would have lost to the Indian girl with the burned leg and that lanky white girl from Bend It Like Beckham.

Crazy Dreaming

Evil

When you dream, do events from one dream carry over to the next? Maybe over the course of several nights... weeks... or even months? That's how it is for me. An ongoing storyline in my dreams is the fact that Mr. Shoulders is dead. The topic came up again in a dream last week. I was talking with Xtian and Xtian was being all nonchalant about it, you know, like Xtian, Kentak3, and Evil... the good ol' days. And then I was like, No! No! The good ol' days included our friend Mr. Shoulders. And you don't even remember him anymore!

I must admit, it was a bitchy little rant on my part, but luckily it was just a dream. I hate these dreams because even when I wake up, it takes me a solid few minutes to sort out what's real and what's not. I'm glad you're not really dead, Mr. Shoulders.

Outdated Movie Review: King Kong

Evil



UGH! This movie should never have been (re)made. King Kong is essentially Jurassic Park, except throw in a big monkey and a boring ass script. Which Hollywood exec jacked up on blow thought this movie was going to be a hit? DUDE! The dramatic male lead is Jack Black. Jack Black people! And the tough guy in this movie was... Adrien Brody? I was supposed to believe that he could save the girl? I can't even convince myself that Adrien Brody can save his own career. And I've had 6 drinks (alone) tonight.

Outdated Movie Review: Brokeback Mountain

Evil



I got this movie via my Netflix recommendations... it's called Brokeback Mountain. All I can say is, holy crap! I was expecting an Incredible Hulk meets Oriental kung fu movie, but what I got was a sappy love story. A love story that involved a very unrealistic butt-sex-during-the-first-night-in-the-tent scene. I mean, come on!

Sometimes I Feel Like These Guys

Evil



Why me?

Who's a Big Boi Today?

It's Big Head's birthday...
where's the party?

Weee!

Happy Birthday!

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil



Sigh.

Kelly

Evil



Is it gay if I go to a Kelly Clarkson concert? Is it gay if I fly to California for the sole purpose of going to a Kelly Clarkson concert? No? OK. Whew!

Good for a laugh

Click here.

We're On the Move

Who's caught World Cup Fever!

Key Matches!
09-Jun-06 Poland vs Ecuador 21:00
15-Jun-06 Ecuador vs Croatia 15:00
20-Jun-06 Ecuador vs Germany 16:00

Walkabout...

Check out this site! Now, there are no more excuses for being late to see your friends.

I even mapped out the time it takes to walk from my church to meet up with X-Tian, Mr. Shoulders, Evil, and other shady friends...

E 3RD ST and AVENUE B, Manhattan to 59 MURRAY ST, Manhattan

Time:

Start out going South on Avenue B towards E 2nd St
Turn right onto E Houston St (4.7 min)

Turn left onto Ludlow St (15.2 min)

Turn right onto Division St (8.2 min)

Turn left onto Chatham Sq (1.7 min)

Turn left onto Park Row (9.8 min)

Turn right onto Steve Flanders Sq (2.8 min)

Keep moving ahead onto Murray St (3.9 min)

Total travel: 1.53 miles, 48 mins

Separated At Birth?

Evil



Has anyone seen Bono lately? Doesn't he look like Robin Williams?

True Friendship

Evil



I think we can all learn something from these kids.

Video: Underwater Volcano Eruption

Evil

For you science buffs out there: check out this rare video of an underwater volcano eruption. And by the way, also listen to the voice-over by the researcher watching this video. He sounds like he's having an eruption of his own.

What's Mr. Met reading to Children?

I think he's reading this!

Evil, Your Social Coordinator

Evil

xtian and i are planning to go up by columbia and get some bbq on saturday. this place is supposed to be very good... i'm taking xtian's word for it. anyway, if anyone else is around this memorial day weekend (*coughlosercough*), please come join us? you can hear xtian ramble on about how he doesn't feel his life is progressing. when he gets to the part about "having to impregnate some soon," we will resolve to chug our beers.

Celebrity Sighting(s)

Evil



I was at Villard Bar last week and guess who I saw there? New York Mets third baseman, David Wright. And guess who else? Weatherman Sam Champion! And guess what? They looked like they were TOGETHER. Let's just say there was a high pressure system moving in on David Wright's tush.

Pretty Bubbles

Evil



Not only is our leader, George W. Bush, all powerful -- he is also benevolent and fun. This is a man who can literally conjure up fireballs with his bare hands and singe his enemies with a mere flick of the wrist. yet, check out how he chooses to use his magic powers. Bubbles! Big, fun bubbles. He is here to bring joy to all our lives. Rejoice, for George W. Bush is our beloved leader.

Huh?!

Check out this article.

Here's the quote I'm having trouble with...

"If you're scared, get a dog," Randolph said. "You want to get him back out there as soon as you can."

Who should get a dog? Willie? The reporter? Billy "I don't like throwing strikes because I'm a girl" Wagner? Me? Is Willie Randolph suggesting I get a dog?

Even Mr. Met doesn't seem to know

5 Days and Counting

The State of the Hose - Year 3

How we got here
Three Years! Wow! Can you imagine? What started so innocently as a journal of my time in Brazil is still going strong? I love this blog - its so core to who we are.

Every so often I get in trouble on this blog. I'm pretty sure the recent posts on Miami will not go over well with some. But I have to be true to my muse. It's too bad that my muse is my limitations as a man. It is what it is. I remember last fall when Jazzy called me in a huff because some quarters were getting on him for a relatively innocent comment in a very long post. Lets get some perspective. I'm carrying around a drunk/high med school student thru a White Castle filled with Transvetites at 3 in the morning and we're about Jazzy?!? Hello, cry for help! Someone stop me from myself!

And that's what we're about here. The life and times of some amusing, but limited people. Yeah, there is a scattershot approach here and sometimes random passerbys get smudged. But really, no one comes off worse than the lovable losers who write this stuff. I mean lets be serious, xtian and manolo in Miami...it always plays out poorly...this time we just have more guest stars...

Jon-El once pointed out to me that regardless of what I say about who, its obvious that it comes from a place of love. We take these people and tell their stories not because we judge them harshly but because we think they're so great that we feel compelled to love them in public (though anonymously). It's an interesting idea. I like it.

The Team
I have to shout Evil for carry the standard, for posting every day, for being the Jeter of the team for doing all the little things to make sure we succeed

I have to compliment Manolo for being the big bat in the middle of the line up (to go with the big bat he shoves up his ass), for seeing a stinky pile of doodoo and jumping right in.

Much love to the bumpasaurus. He's an a**hole - its core to his charm...He doesn't post enough...

Fans
It's all about the fans, The Fastidious 40. The core group that logs in all the time and have been with us from the start. The guys that send me disappointed emails about too much Evil and not enough xTian. The ones that always challenge us to be better. The ones that read our blogs just so we can read their inferior blogs. I love you all. And I love the ideas

One recent email suggested a Queer Pool, a variation on the Death Pool, where fans vote which contributor to the Hose will come out of the closet first. You can't top that...

The Next Generation
Are you guys reading this blog? It's the most bravely honest thing since the Anti Life was in full gear 2 summers ago.

You guys should check it out...

OUT

Manolo's Version of Party Time in Miami

A few months ago I found myself listening to a voicemail from Xtian letting me know that he was going to be in Miami at the end of April and to clear my calendar for some good times, especially the night of his cousin's double-quinceanera since it was going to be packed with her hot hot friends. I immediately called him back and left him a voicemail excited at the prospect of having my good buddy in town for a few days whilst scoring myself some
"I am also friends of the birthday girl and therefore not threatening" ass. Xtian and I never spoke in real time and a voicemail exchange went on for a few months with new developments on his part (my parents are coming, my uncle and aunt are coming, my brother killed somebody at work).

In March, I get an email from Xtian saying that his family and him need a place to stay. He had been checking hotel rates online and they are super expensive. I tell him I have a place at the beach he can use during his 2-3 day stay in Miami. I send him some pictures for his approval. I do not receive another word from him.

On April 27 (Thursday), I get a phone call and have a real time conversation with Xtian. He tells me
"I am coming to town tomorrow. I will be getting to Miami around 1:00 PM. How do I get keys to your place?"
We decided I would FEDEX my keys to him overnight since I am going to be in different locations throughout the day and that way, he doesn't have to track me down during my busy afternoon.

Around 4:30 PM the next day, I get a frantic phone call from Xtian letting me know that him and his family JUST left Orlando. They have been arguing non-stop since dinner time the night before. He tells me his family is driving him crazy and that if he drives the car into incoming traffic, my keys will be in his left pocket.

I called Xtian and no one answers. I finally get a call around 8:00 PM asking me of a nice place where he can take his mother for her birthday dinner. We go over some limited options giving the lack of a proper reservations and tell him his best bet its to go to Lincoln Road (pedestrian mall with lots and lots of restaurants) and walk around and find a place that catches their eye.

I decide to drive to the beach and perhaps meet Xtian and Bump, even if its for a drink. I get to Lincoln Road and they had just finished dinner at the first place you see when you enter Lincoln Road. They didn't even bother to walk half a block to find a decent restaurant.

After dinner, his family (parents and his uncle and aunt) decide to go to the beach (mind you, its 11:00 PM and there is nothing to see) while Xtian, Bump and I run into the Delano for a drink. 10 minutes later Xtian's cell phone rings. His family wants to go home...We part ways and make plans to meet the next day.

I don't hear anything from Xtian until 7:30 PM. He tells me that first its a private dinner and not to show up until (9:30 PM or so). I show up at 10:30 PM. We try to "hug it out" but it can't be done due to the third degree burns suffered by Xtian and the rest. There is a certain awkwardness to the whole man hug process, something obviously picked up and commented outloud by Xtian's mom...

Anyways, after a few minutes of small talk, and after finding out I just bought Bump his 12th Johnny Walker Black of the evening, Bump starts pointing to random people in the bar. "That guy there introduced himself to Xtian saying he knew him from 1993 from Rutgers. He didn't know who he was...HAHAHAHA!!!! and that girl there, Xtian asked her if she was in a competitive eating club... HAHAHAHA!!!! and this guy here, what's your name...what.....whatever....., I love this guy here."

After a little bit more of pointing and laughing, and after Bump calmed down a bit, I was properly introduced to the birthday girl, her friends aptly described by Xtian's mom in his post. I talked for a bit to Rutgers guy, as well as to competitive eating club girl. At one point, they cut the cake which kept being passed around the whole bar. It seems everyone was too sophisticated to eat cake except for a rather big girl who was passing the cake and seemed to take a bite every now and then. She immediately took a shining to Xtian and kept saying very demurely how "sticky" her hands were from the cake.

I also witnessed the rest of Bump's and his cousin's conversation.

Cousin: "[xtian] knows baby, when you roll with me you gotta take care of me"
The Bumpasaurus: "Aren't you 10 years older than me? Why am I buying you drinks?"
Cousin:"I left my wallet in NJ."
The Bumpasaurus:"How did you get on the plane with no proper ID?"
Cousin: (just shrugs) "You know what, we should go into the VIP room and get a bottle?"

(ed. note - Xtian's version of the women in their mid 30's does not change a lot from my version and has been only edited for grammar, run on sentences, and to proper clarify my role in said story).

"The Bumpasaurus and [myself] found [ourselves] hitting on [three women from Los Angeles in their mid 30's]. At one point one girl takes out [her digital camera and start showing us high quality pics of themselves topless on the beach and hotel room]. Mixed in these photos was a picture of one of the [young women] with severe bruising on her face. [The Bumpasaurus] attempted to rip the camera from her hand to show [his] mom saying something like "mom, is this latina appropriate..." while pointing and laughing at the girl in said picture. I suddenly remembered Xtian and his brother make horrible wingmen.

In Bump's defense though, they had huge breasts and only ONE looked like a man!!! The other one was definitely female and its not her fault she got mugged the night before and got punched in the eyes...and as for their other friend, its not her fault either she looked like an aneroxic Olive Oyl.

Anyways, at some point during the evening, Xtian and his parents left and I stayed behind to take care of Bump. Somehow we ended up in the VIP room where "left wallet in NJ" cousin was offering straight shots of whatever alcohol bottle was near his vicinity.

After a little bit more of drinking and dancing, and since I had to work the next day, we left the club around 3:00 AM or so. The Bump was passing out but kept shouting "I didn't have any cake" and "I am hungry." We stopped at a local pizzeria where an illegal immigrant cousin of mine works and usually hooks me up with free food. My illegal immigrant cousin, the bus boy and the cook were busy discussing their plans for the May 1 "A Day Without Immigrants" rally. They asked me what I was planning on doing. I said I had to work no matter what and the Bump kept saying the World Cup 2006 was fast approaching and he needed to get his place ready for the event.

After our late-night eating, I dropped the Bump off at the apartment where a half-asleep/half-naked Xtian opened the door for him. I really haven't heard from any of them except for a champagne bottle (which I am sure its laced with GBH) alongside my keys that came from Xtian with a note thanking me for my hospitality.

Blind Item: Ripped from Page 6 of The Daily Hose!

Which founding father armed with some GHB started warming up to Alma Mater at the casino?

Evil, Your Social Coordinator

Evil

The following site is not affiliated with The Hose in any way and The Hose does not receive any financial incentive from the site, but... I figure it's a worthy suggestion anyway:

If you're looking to take a vacation AND you happen to be gay (*coughmanolocough*), please consider this site.

PageRank 4, You're So Elusive

Evil

Popularity of The Hose is at an all time high, thanks to the friends who link to us: Evil Twins, IrisHasFreeTime, Bitchin' Mama, and a new friend, here.to.here.

So, why, for the love of God, can't we get to PageRank 4? Please! Aren't we worth it?

"Excuse me sir, there's no sleeping in here"

Evil

Yesterday, around 7:55pm. My inner dialogue:

ok evil, all you need to do is stretch a bit and then you can go home. stretch. go stretch. ahh, this sort of hurts but it sort of feels good. i just wanna lie down for a bit. the gym towels feel softer than usual today. maybe this is a new batch of towels. it smells nice. it feels nice just to put my head down for a bit. i wonder if anyone'll notice if i try to take a nap. oh crap, this girl is looking at me strangely. i better go.

A Decade of (Mutual Self) Destruction

This year, Evil and I are sharing our 10 year anniversary as friends.

Recently, I was forced to write a letter of recommendation about my friend. Lots of great material that sould make the a letter like this but most of the good stuff was cut out. Here are some slices that did not make the cut.


Secret Origins
10 years ago on in the back of a computer science class no one much liked or learned anything of (or stayed awake in for that matter) I noticed a mousey chinese kid throw skittles at the back for an annoying classmates head for the entire 80 minutes we sat there. When said annoyance would turn around as if he were going to do something, mousey chinese kid would barely register his annoyonace and go back to playing with the remaining skittles on his desk. This walking demonstration of social anxiety was [Evil] and from that moment I knew I would never have to fear


Ravage
On a team project, to create a computer program that could play checkers, we got goofy. At one point, we wrote a function called ravage() (after the Transformer) that would tally up the number of dead pieces on the board after any possibly move. Evil once suggested we should name it anal_ravage() and followed this thought to its logical conclusions of trying to figure out the market for transformer themed pornography.

Team Rachel
In 2002, Evil, KenTak and I joined Mr. Shoulders in the birth of Team Rachel. A strip club on the Orange Blosson Trail in Orlando Florida. We were so named because we played The International Club as a foursome, wearing Rachel's logod hats.

Biting my Style
Evil is a lazy funny person. He's funny as hell but hardly ever tries. Evil has not had an original thought since about 1997. Instead he carries a small notebook and jots down anything I say that is even remotely funny. Sometimes he can't be bothered and just echos my punchlines 1.5 seconds after i'm done

For example:
Me: Team Rachel
Him: Team Rachel (hahah)

Also, he retreads really old stuff sometimes. I first noted there was something gay going on with He-Man in 1998...VH1 stole it 3 years later for their "I Love The 80s" review. He posted something about this on the blog, 3 days ago...

You're my brother evil...try not to change...except for the thing mentioned above...

Party Time in Miami

A few weeks ago I found myself in Miami. Dual reasons. My mom wanted to go and it was her birthday and my cousin who lived down there was throwing herself a double-quinceanera.

Here are some highlights

On the drive out to miami, my mom explained to Bump and I that she would be better off if we married latinas because there would be less debate around supporting her. This is sort of funny right now, but will get very funny later...

We were all decieved by the sun. On an overcast day on the beach my family putzed around on the sand and in the water. We all got very burned. When my cousin mentioned that there were only appetizers at her rather expensive party, i quickly turned to my brother and said "let's go eat".

At the club, a fellow I met once in 1993 walked up to me and was heartbroken that I did not know who he was. My brother and one of my cousins laughed openly in his face as I struggled to remember who he was. When the fellow referenced something called "the shadow program" spittle flew out of my brother's mouth as he struggled to keep from coughing...poor guy...you seem very nice. you should not have been treated that way by my goofball relatives.

My brother bonded with some dude who was completely out of control and they proceeded to get ripped together continually shouting about how much affection they had for each other...it was odd...

My mom spent a bit of time wondering why my cousin had such unattractive friends. I am pretty sure I would have let a few passing comments go but she would not let up on this observation for about 4 days. For example after 4 hours of driving from Miami back to Orlando, we got close to home and my mom half asleep muttered
"gosh that girl was ugly"
"what girl mom?"
"your cousin's friends..."

My dad pounded quite a bit of wine. He was bored.

There are several pictures of my family, our faces are a color that resembles a tomato...

Manolo showed up at the party to say hey. Seeing Manolo is always a good time. My mom, again, in a bizarrely unfiltered moment, wondered aloud if Manolo was gay...My dad took this in pensively, all the while doing a rather solid mike francesca imitation, sipped some wine and agreed it was "possible...its VERY possible"

A cousin had the following exchange with my brother:
Cousin: "[xtian] knows baby, when you roll with me you gotta take care of me"
The Bumpasaurus: "Aren't you 10 years older than me? Why am I buynig you drinks?"

The Bumpasaurus and Manolo found themselves hitting on a couple of 40 something hags ("39" -Bumpasaurus) At one point one girl flirts with Bump and shows him camera phone pics of herself topless on the beach. Mixed in these photos was a picture of the said trollup with severe bruising on her face. My brother attempted to rip the camera from her hand to show my mom saying something like "mom, is this latina appropriate..." During the excitment, my dad looked up, took notice, and asked me if his son was hitting on a man dressed as a woman...I agreed that it was "possible...its VERY possible"

One of my cousin's friends was talking to me...it was fine...she was a princetonian and one thing that is funny about princetonites are their feelings on Eating Clubs, there is no middle ground. My roommates swear by them and think anyone who doesnt is anti-princeton, and possibly anti-american and the HUAC should be reconvened to investigate them. My cousins on the other hand, think they are [something negative] and [something unPC]. Anyway, I was interested in her views on the matter and asked her "so, were you a member of an eating club?". My brother and an old HS friend heard this, gave each other double takes and ran around giggling and telling everyone in sight that i am "still an a**hole". What I left out was that this very intelligent and completely lovely sister was a little big. I thought my question was fine but was disturbed by the sight of several people laughing hysterically. Had I not already had a severe sunburn I would have gone red with shame.

Towards the end of an evening, my very drunk brother was approached by two twins on the dance floor trying to dance. In a classic replay of that skit from the Chappelle Show, The Bump gave both girls the heisman (with one hand- nice form!) suggesting that that both girls "take it easy" as he felt they were a little below his incredibly high Florida, trailer park standards...

Shout out to the family! I miss you guys! Let's do this more often.

Shout out to Manolo, who my mother still refers to as "[xtian's] mother, [manolo]" for always being hospitable...

this is disturbing

Do any of y'all get fuse? It's like a low rent version of MTV from the mid 80s. They have really uninteresting VJs, although one of them is sorta hot...about as hot as your average 23 year old in Miami...

Anyway, this one show they have is called The Pants Off Dance Off and basically viewers send in videos of them stripping to music...the ratio of hot chicks to out of control fat/ugly guys is about 1:4...so...you know...handle with care....

He Has Fabulous Powers

Evil

Look at He-Man and Skeletor play-fighting. Aren't they cute? I bet He-Man will let Skeletor get hold of the sword first, but then He-Man will tickle Skeletor til he lets go.

For nostalgia's sake, watch these two short He-Man videos. You know you want to!

Nicknames

Evil

Albert Pujols of the St. Louis Cardinals is probably the best player in baseball right now. He might even break the single season home run record this year. And there's not doubt, he has one of the worst nicknames of all time: Prince Albert. (Warning: Link not safe for work!)

Sticky Fingers

We have Friday morning breakfast at my office every week. Although this was originally marketed as a "team-building" activity, I think it's really a quest for free food in disguise. Everyone rotates in bringing breakfast to this filing cabinet near my desk and we are all supposed to gather around, eat donuts, and socialize. But really what happens is that people wait until there is no one there, so they can hoard as much breakfast as possible and walk away guilt-free.

Anyway, last week's breakfast was Dim Sum from Chinatown. Today, someone brought peanut butter and bread from Peanut Butter & Co.

Check out all the flavors!

I got this coupon for buy one get one free, and they are having a Game Night on Jun 7 from 6 - 9 PM where you can eat sandwiches and play Candy Land, Chutes & Ladders, Sorry, Yahtzee, Uno, Parcheesi...

So who wants to come with me?

Mystery Solved, #2

Evil



Another mystery solved! Above photo: proof that XTIAN and Manolo's long-rumored love child is actually a reality.

Mystery Solved

Evil



This is a picture of my sister, circa 1975. Proof positive that she's an alien! Look at that giant forehead!

My Childhood

Evil

Sort of random, but I thought about 2 things that remind me of my childhood.

1. The "Give a hoot, don't pollute!" (isn't that cute?!) TV commercials.

2. The jingle from the Mount Airy Lodge commercials. C'mon, sing it with me... "All you have to bring, is your love of ev'ry thing."

Also, 2 things that remind me of childhood as it directly relates to my dad:

1. Being yelled at because I kept needing to get new glasses... because my eyes always got progressively worse... probably because I watched so much freakin TV.

2. Being yelled at because I hated taking showers and was mostly a smelly, icky kid.

Question About English Use

Evil

Why do people in the service industry talk like this:

- Example 1: "I do apologize that you haven't received your package yet." (call center rep)

- Example 2: "Please do take a moment to review the emergency evacuation procedures in the seat back pocket." (flight attendant)

Why the extra "do"? That's so annoying and unneeded.

Evil, Your Social Coordinator

Evil

Hello, this is Evil, your social coordinator. Here's a cool thing to do tonight... an old friend, Iris, will be launching her magazine at a gallery downtown. All are invited. If you don't already know Iris, go hear her read and say hi.

warm hands and x-ray specs

Evil

I don't know about anyone else, but I sure think a shuttle driver for a car dealership is really the most qualified person to give a breast exam. I really don't blame the women who got fooled by him, one look at how thick those glasses are and they probably thought he could see inside them.

PS - Why didn't *I* get into Harvard?

Nicknames

Evil

I love nicknames. When I become King, my first decree will be that all in my kingdom shall have nicknames. Nicknames are just more fun. They're more secure too. For example, when I refer to "Manolo," the government doesn't have to know that I'm actually talking about Carlos Olivares, but you all know. That's the beauty of it. Nicknames are also practical and help to avoid confusion. For example, my friend The AY and I both have good friends named Chris. But we never say, "Chris." It's either "Big Head" or "The Seducer of Young Asian Girls," but never "Chris." See? Avoids confusion!

Recently, I've found myself giving nicknames to random people I encounter. You know, like the guy who stood next to me on the subway ride home today ("Fatty McFrenchFries") or the guy in the orange shirt who ran in front of me in the park ("Mr. Security Cone Man"). I don't know what this means or why it suddenly started to happen. I'll keep you all posted.

Running, running

Evil

Inspired by Evil Twin #2's recent ass kicking of the Boston Marathon ("Oh, we've passed Heartbreak Hill? I didn't even notice."), I went for a short run in the park after work today. Just did the inner 4, but it felt nice to stretch the legs a bit.

On an unrelated note, I still have about 10 Vicodin pills left. Can't wait for this weekend! Hahaha.

Pleasant Surprise

Evil

I was reviewing my company's health insurance plan today and I found something very, very interesting. Under the current plan, Tommy John Surgery is covered at 95%! Not only that, but the coolest thing is that they'll cover the procedure as a preventative measure. Now that's cool. I think I'm going to do it.

Scenes from a Bar

There was a convergence of sorts this past saturday evening. Kentak3 and Evil Twin 2 threw a joint birthday party in NYC. Several members of the Hose community were in attendance...xTian, Evil, Mr. Shoulder, Evil Twins #1 and #2, Bruno, Les Troisièm, The Mamacita, Ball s and his wife and sister in law (who dont have a a mildly applicable, semi-derogatroy nickname unlike the other members...should I work on that?)

I introduced Les Troisièm to Balls with the following:
"[balls] Meet another proper NEer. This is my roommate [Les Troisièm]"
"oh hi"
"we've been dating for 6 months"
"oh..."
45...46...47...48...
"just kidding'
"hahahaha

I made it a point to shove as many shots down the birthday girls as humanly possible. The BF was amused, The Mamacita was not...Bruno was probably licking himself indifferenetly in Brooklyn.

ET2 did not make a good showing of it and at one point after an extended trip to the rest room walked out and collapsed on me...i did the right thing and slid her back to wards the BF...who did the rightt thing too...he held her hair...

KentTak3 made it thru in better form, but at one point was like "where's my [mamacita]...where's my [mamacita]" and she was like standing behind him...

The next day...I called KenTak to see if he was ok...The Mamacita grabbed the phone and asked the following

"are you comfortable?"
"I'm sorry?"
"is my dog house comfortable for you?"

Witty...

Alone in the Dark with Someone Next to Me

This woman I know rang me yesterday and invited me to a charity wine tasting. The intuitive answer to such an invitation is always "yes". However, occasionally, its with pause. It was Monday after all, and I had to go read with little children early on Tuesday morning.

When she followed up her invite with "Come on, its in our neighborhood" well, let's just say I was in.

I always dig this girl when I see her. Yes, she's batsh*t but you gotta lover her cameron diaz like looks and rock hard "oh, no way you're white" butt. Still I always seem to come across her at very low times in her life. Semi-depressed on a subway platform...that sort of thing. So I keep a distance.

En route to the restaurant (near the scene in the west chelsea club district) we walked passed a few flower gardens that had been recently planted in front of some public housing. We agreed that these few months are the only ones worth bothering with in NY. As we passed an errant vegstable garden, I suggested we scale the Ford Bronco parked up against the fence, jump down and steal some vegstables. She was game...as I said, she's batsh*t but she rocks....

Prior to last night, I have only spent time with her in her apartment. Never in a social setting. I always imagined her to be a ridiculous flirt in public and my insecure inner xTian not being able to deal with the glancing shots at my manhood. All a fabrication of course, I mean who cares. I'm not dating her.

Instead, it was fun...several random comments came out over the course of the evening

"I want to make babies" (said matter of factly not a request for performance)
"you're too cool for school, with your jeans, blazer, faux nerd glasses, height and dark hair"
(sighing)"i've never dated a guy who could afford to buy me dinner"
"i'm a cheap date, I get drunk easy" (guzzling wine)

Somehow, I found this all very charming, even though they were delivered as as a series of non-sequeters used to possibly avoid my very real questions like "hey, how do you pay your rent?"

Later, we found ourselves in the east village with her using my legs for a pillow in an outdoor garden. As we sat there staring at the lack of stars. I wondered what (if anything) I was getting myself into...I would have asked her, but I think she was still trying to decide for herself...

It's been 20 years since 1986!

This is awesome!

Manolo Decides To Try Online Dating

A reason I don't share as many stories as I want with our loyal Hose readers is the lack of personal time in the office to sit down and write. Who do these corporate fools think they are making me work like that?

Anyways, given the fact that my work life seems to be taking a larger and larger part of my day, my personal life has taken a hit. I spend more hours in the office and less time in the real world. This means that I don't interact socially as much as I want to which translates to me meeting less people therefore reducing the probability of me having intercourse with a real life woman from 0.005% to actually 0%.

Therefore, I have decided to either get involve or update my profile with all the different online social networks. I will also plop down some money to join Yahoo Personals or Match.com and hopefully get some a$$ that way...

This is where all of you come in...its audience participation time. I am going to need your help writing my bio/profile, one that will aptly describe me as a person and be "sweet/sincere/honest/funny" enough to allow me to take off their panties with as less work as possible...

Thank you for your participation.

P.S.- Your just reward will be day-after anecdotes, for better or for worse.

HONEST SUBMISSIONS PLEASE!!!

I missed this show

Christopher: "Allegra?" Ain't that a cold medicine?
Paulie: It means "happiness" in Italian.
Christopher: (pauses) What the fuck's that got to do with cold medicine?

Separated At Birth?

Shout Out 2

Evil

Yesterday, my shakey little friend Bruno turned 2 years old. Happy Birthday! Hope you didn't drink too much, kiddo.

Shout Out

Evil



I've been running a stats tracker on The Hose for the last 5 days and I think I'm addicted to checking stats. Anyway, I just wanted to give a shout out to Evil Twins for being the number 1 referrer of traffic to The Hose (if you don't count people who type in our URL directly and the traffic that comes from random Google searches). Thanks, ET#1 and ET#2.

This is also where I discard all dignity and begs for some links. The Hose only has PageRank of 3. :( Some love, people... some love?

Hips Don't Lie

I have been driving thru central jersey the last few days for work. I like these hour long drives because I get to listen to crappy radio stations. At home, one can't rationalize listening to crappy radio any more. It just doesn't happen. So radio stations have customized themselves to deal with commuters who are in the car a litle under 30 minutes at a pop and need their. It's why radio stations like z100 have 4 songs on their play list.

But I don't spend any time listening to that, I'm not schizo enough to process listening to Kelly Clarkson, 3-6 Mafia and Shakira in a row. It's just too much...even though I love "poppin my collar" while driving.

What I do love is listening to two completely different radio stations

Jack FM

While listening to Jack (a bunch of Journey, Billy Joel, Meatloaf, and like Mettalica back to back to). I get happy. I don't know why "Don't stop believin" makes me happy but it does. It makes me want to not stop believing. I roll up the windows (so no one can hear) and sing "Paradise by a dashboard light" (male and female parts in the same falsetto) (WOOOOOOOO!)

After watching the first couple of episodes of the Sopranos (especially where he was in the coma and Carmela was playing CDs for him) I feel like Jack FM was designed for anybody who ever rode around in a car thru NJ in 1982. Anybody who does not know the words to "Rosalita" just might not get it.

102.7 Classic Dance Mix

I imagine that whatever is going on at the RawHide Saloon (17th and 8th), its being done with this station playing over the loud speaker. I'm a total queer for music by le Chiq and other late seventies Disco. Barry White was almost ruined for me by that stupid show with the skinny soundtrack but almost is not actually. So yesterday I was threw my voice in a baritone (which sounds remarkably close to my falsetto) and sang along to that too..

Damn i love driving!

Btw, I can't get "Hips Don't Lie" out of head. Also I want to bang Shakira (still).
Checkout this video. Not the fans only version the other one

Insensitive

KenTak3, are you going to take this??!!

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Roger Clemens was discussing his future Tuesday at the Astros season opener when he responded to a question about his health after the World Baseball Classic with a comment that some might consider racially insensitive.

Clemens, who broke down late last season with injuries, said he felt fine after the WBC and left the tournament impressed by the quality of the international teams.

But he made a questionable comment when speaking about the devotion of the Japanese and South Korean fans.

"None of the dry cleaners were open, they were all at the game, Japan and Korea," Clemens said. "So we couldn't get any dry cleaning done out there, but I guess the neatest thing is that 50,000 of them were at Anaheim Stadium."
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BOOZE

A friend of mine is doing something rather impressive. Most dullards start some sort of new media play around social networks or suping search *yawn* Its all very obvious I think.

My boy, David, though has decided to start a liquor company!

www.curiousformore.com

There is a launch party coming up...more info to follow!

Grown Men Will Hug!

On the southeast corner of 27th and 7th, facing north, there is a billboard on top of a building saying "Grown Men Will Hug" and encouraging people to buy tickets to to a NY Mets game.

Is anyone else wondering what about the NY Mets will make grown men hug? Is it the disappointment we will deal with when they eventually disappoint?