(More Difficult) Mystery Photo Of The Day

Evil

Hmmm, I'm surprised that y'all found the Marlon Brando mystery photo to be too easy. For me, it's hard to imagine what Marlon Brando looks like when he's not a 450 pound blimp. But then again, the only Marlon Brando movie I ever saw was Don Juan Demarco. (Great movie, by the way. It features Queens, NY!)

OK, so here is a harder one for you guys. I'll even give you a hint: you don't normally see this guy in front of the camera (still camera or movie camera)... so he's not a movie star, tv star, or model, per se.

Mystery Photo Of The Day

Evil

Who is this guy? (The man, not the cat.)

And I thought football season was over!

Last night, America's Coach, Rex Ryan reminded us all why we loved him. While getting into it with some fans at an MMA event in Miami last night (featuring Herschel Walker! G*dd*mn), he gave everyone the business.

He then went on the mic and delivered a WWE style promo to the Miami crowd!

Reports indicate that later he consumed 70,0000 calories...

Who's in for HBO's Hard Knocks this summer featuring the NY Jets? (HAND RAISED)

Sunday Coffeehouse - Katy Perry's Cover of MGMT's Electric Feel ( A Decidedly Unelectric Feel)

As you know, I am currently mildly obsessed with Katy Perry and bring her up constantly. During a recent conversation, an infuriated person pointed out to me that this was the most interesting thing she had ever done - a live cover of Electric Feel done accustically for Live Lounge on BBC Radio 1.

I love it...cheers...

I Never Feel Like This Guy

Couldn't he at least start losing his hair or something?

Gato-Gram... Signing Off

Temp Roommate

My owner will be here to pick me up in about 15 minutes. It's been nice knowing all you Hosers. If any of you are ever in Shanghai, please come visit me! I will even show you the best basketjob joints in town, if that's the kind of thing you're into.

Question for Sparks

Get your spreadsheet fired up.

I've lived in NYC for 66 months. I take a cab about twice a week. What are the odds I've had the same cabbie twice?

Thing I Did

Earlier this week I went through my personal email account and unsubscribed all sorts of random stuff. I thought that would make my life better, but it has just made me sadder. Turns out I don't get much meaningful email at all. Now most of the time when I check, there is nothing new waiting for me.

Should re-subscribe to the Walgreen's photo center? Or Equinox? Or Travel & Leisure Hot Deals? Or BasketjobsR'Us?

The End Of Our Political Careers

xTian: i mean i have banged three

and he has banged at least four

cold weather is just as effective as inclimate weather

 

evil: maybe he's sporting a greg oden down there

 

xTian: it could be

do you remember [6'10" guy from university]?

 

evil: seriously, how big is greg oden

xTian: he used to walk up to women and talk about how in proportion he was

evil: seriously, how big is greg oden in inches?

xTian: i have not seen it

should i look?

 

evil: yes

click on the link i posted

then click on the link that is labled NSFW

xTian: that's pretty big

but it is proportional

 

evil: what would you say, in inches?

 

xTian: 12?

 

evil: whoa

i see

 

xTian: flacid too  

flacid ish

so it gets bigger

 

evil: GAYEST. CHAT. SESSION. EVER.

 

xTian: yes

Native Americans Fuming Following GOP Response

Black Woman: Check
White Woman: Check
Military Guy: Check
Nerdy Asian: Check
White Guy in Charge: Check
Native American:

Joe Jonas On American Idol

Evil

How dull is Joe Jonas? Seriously man. This dude is a black hole of charisma. Look at the pic of him above. He is boring even himself! He finds himself so boring, he can barely stay awake.

Katy Perry: Hot (and attractively b*tchy)

Did anyone catch American Idol last night? I have been DVRing but not watching. After reading some commentary that Katy Perry was a little out of order I decided to check it out. Several quick observations

-Katy Perry is like an anime character brought to life - alabaster skin, huge blue-green eyes, dark hair and about 70% legs. If she were a vampire, I would have lost my pants after about 30 seconds

-Why does she hate Kara? Did Kara stiff her on some song writing royalties? How much are you willing to pay for a porn staring Kara and Katy? Please note, I am too embarrassed to answer this question myself

-Avril Lavigne is motherf8cking weird yo! First off she has very pronounced canines and she was wearing a hoody with horns. WTF?

Is Anyone There?

Temp Roommate

Ummm, can someone tell me what is wrong with Evil? Evil has not talked to me for like two days. Is he ignoring me? Is he having a difficult time dealing with separation anxiety? Anyway, having time to myself has been pretty cool. Watching lots of porn on DVD.

Semi-Gay Question Of The Day

Evil

Raise your hand if you've seen the naked pics of Greg Oden (SFW). I can't decide whether his member is impressive or not. From the pics, it looks fairly normal sized. But then again, the guy is 7 feet tall, so if the member is just proportional to his body, it's still bigger than your average joe's. In absolute size (inches, please. metric lovers need not participate!), how big is it, really?

How Dare He!

Evil

Ungracious Andre "The Hawk" Dawson decides that he would rather go into the Hall of Fame as an Expo (that team doesn't even exist anymore!!!) than as a Cubbie. You would have been nothing without the Chicago Cubs, dude! And this is how you pay them back? Douche bag move.

Original Hose Logo Restored!

Evil

I would just like to say that the Peyton masthead logo was all KillerB's fault. Like 110% KillerB's fault... or whatever is the maximum allowable percentage, according to the laws of math.

The Results Of The Over/Under Poll Are In!

Well, as it turns out... The Wisdom Of The Hosers is not so wise after all. The Hose concensus got 6 out of 10 correct (not too shabby), but it's not as good as the 8 out of 10 correct (amazing!), acheived by four different individual Hosers:

- Lil A

- Xtian

- Mr Shoulders

- KillerB

And special shoutout to the least wise Hoser of them all, coming in at only 2 out of 10 correct... wait for it... Evil!

Full results in the spreadsheet here.

Liveblogging: Our NFL Championship Sunday Open Thread

Game 1: 3pm - Fatman and Robin invade the Lucas Oil Dome; a monster looking to duel their very own Dr. Frankenstein...Peyton Manning and the Colts

Game 2: 6:45 - The King of All Douches leads the Purple and Gold into the NFL's most raucous dome against God's Team

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Game 1
As always, the Jets have two missions. Keep the game close and don't let the colts score more than 21 points.

Let's not get confused with a lot of talk about Revis Island or Dallas Clark or whatever. The key match up of this game is simple enough - Can Rex Ryan mix coverages and blitzes enough to fool Peyton Manning? Rex tries to fool you - for all his bluster and buffoonery and 7K calorie diet he is also a football genius. The measure won't be in sacks it will be in secondary and tertiary metrics like "QB Knock Downs" and "Hurries" and the real impact will be in Peyton's completion percentage and if he is seen having to throw on the run. If Peyton is rolling he turns into a pretty mediocre QB. If he's not, its probably going to be a long day for all involved. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!

Game 2
Can Brett Favre and his crew silent count their way through an entire game? Can the Viking defense get to Drew Brees? Who reminded Reggie Bush how to run hard?Who will have sex with Kim Kardashian in the owner's luxury box? Has Jared Allen picked his pants up off the ground yet? I have more questions than answers about this game...go Saints!

Great Moments in Bad Photoshopping

Clearly the NY Post is running out of angles on tomorrow's Jet's game...

China Observation

Evil

To me, one of the stranger things about China is how there's no expectation that the inside of a building should be warmer than the outdoors. Being that it's winter and temperatures have been hovering around the freezing point, you'd think that you'd get warmer by walking into a building. Not so!

At the university, each individual classroom is heated with room heaters. But once you leave the classroom, e.g., walk in the hallways or go to the bathroom, it's basically the same temperature as the outside. In fact, they even leave all the windows in the hallways and bathroom open.

The other day, I was taking a piss at the university bathroom and noticed that as my warm pee hit the cold air, steam could be seen rising from it.

Evil's Ignorant Political Commentary

Evil

Hold on to your hats, political world... The Hose is about to have a bigger say in who gets elected to public office and who doesn't. Why the change now...?

Earlier this week, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled that the government cannot ban corporate entities from spending money to weigh in on candidate elections. So for example, if Obama is going after the so-called "fatcat bankers," said fatcat bankers can pool their money together and start running ads bashing Obama. On a smaller scale, you can really see how money from corporations and unions can really influence a bunch of Senate and House races.

And in steps The Hose... with our corporate coffers brimming, we're in a position to support candidates who uphold the values of The Hose. I, for one, demand that anti-depressants be covered at 100% w/ no co-pay in any healthcare reform bill. I think Xtian will demand an allotment of morning-after pills every quarter. Manolo will demand amnesty. KillerB is lobbying for government-subsidized back hair removal. Sparks is trying to line himself up with a high-paying, low-responsibility government post, something like being the U.S. Ambassador to Martini-kistan.

All-Time Greatest Fat Coaches and Managers

Evil

We don't do enough to celebrate the morbidly obese amongst us. Evil will start to change that now. I give you... my nominations for the All-Time Greatest Fat Coaches and Managers in sports history.

#5. Rick Majerus - I don't know much about college basketball, but I know this guy is fat. He coached a bunch of white mormon kids at the University of Utah and did very well. According to Wikipedia, "Rick enjoys bratwursts." He's also had 7 heart bypass surgeries and had to quit his Utah coaching job due to heart problems.

#4. Tommy Lasorda - This guy is a 2-time World Series winning manager and also 2-time NL Manager of the Year. But those achievements alone aren't what got him onto this list. The best thing about Tommy Lasorda is how much he loves being a fat-ass. He's always talking about wanting to eat pasta and meatballs. He lost some street cred among the morbidly obese by endorsing Slim Fast, but his lifetime devotion to eating should not be overlooked.

#3. Proposition Joe - Not only a legendary Eastside drug kingpin in Baltimore, but also a brilliant basketball strategist. Proposition Joe coached the Eastside to four straight annual victories over the Westside. The last of those victories included baiting the Westside coach into doubling the stakes and then bringing in a ringer in the final minutes to steal the game.

#2. Rex Ryan - A man who consumes 7,000 calories per day should never be taken lightly. Rex Ryan won the first of his many Super Bowls in February 2010. In the years to come, many analysts and historians will be talking about the Rex Ryan Coaching Tree. A man of such stature casts a mighty shadow indeed.

#1. Bill Parcells - The archetype of fat coaches. The original and still the best.

Things That Make Me Say Good Gravy!!!! $1.04 Edition

You have to hand it to the guys at Goldman Sachs - they've got their shit figured out. People can moan and complain all they want about fatcat bankers and Main Street vs. Wall Street and class divisions and all the other stuff - but you at least have to agree they've got their shit figured out.

A few years ago Sparks was a fatcat oil man literally swimming in the liquid gold Exxon treasury kept in an Olympic size pool underneath the Belt Parkway in Dallas. As you'll recall Exxon had some monster paydays because they had their shit figured out (or speculators drove the price of oil to irrational levels). Anyway, at the time, I did a little math - breaking profits down in a way that makes them easier to understand. So who wins? The Exxon of the oil bubble, or the Goldman Sachs of right now?
More...
Well, Goldman had 4Q profits of $4,790,000,000.00. Exxon had 2008 4Q profits of 11,680,000,000.00. Exxon wins? Not so fast.

Exxon is HUGE. They have a kabillion employees. They employ all of Texas, most of the middle East, some of Africa, and my little brother from the Delta-Pi chapter of Kappa Sigma. Goldman employs a comparative handful - most of whom are of dubious character (ahem, Shoulders? Le Trois?).

When viewed this way, Goldman wins - earning profits of $134,929.58 per employee for the quarter. Exxon, a paltry $111,556.83.

Now, $134K over a quarter is a little abstract.
So how about $1,499.22 per day?
Or $62.47 per hour?

Or $1.04 per minute? Every minute. Of Every hour, day and night. For every employee. GOOD GRAVY!!!!

The Hose Offers Ana Marie Cox a Job

Now that Air America is gone, former Wonkette Editor/Recent White House Correspondent/General Internet Personality/Pretty Hot Redhead Ana Marie Cox is out of a job. This is a huge opportunity for us. One we intend to capitalize on.

More...
The synergies are obvious. Ana Marie is a big deal, a known quantity and brings her own fanbase. She also has major balls - who else would take on the future Managing Director of Corporate Relations for Goldman Sachs in such a direct manner. The Hose could benefit greatly from her sharp political mind. For her, she gets a forum from which to continue her tough brand of political reporting.

So after much discussion with our finance team and strategy team we have agreed to extend an offer to AMC to occasionally comment on my increasingly inane posts, retweet any Hose articles she finds entertaining to her fanbase and explain teabaggers to xTian and Sparks.

AMC - please reach us on thehose@gmail.com. According to your twitter feed you have been drinking since the AirAmerica announcement. It's my hope that are you still drunk and will seriously consider this offer


Best

The Hose Editorial Board

The Bad Penny: Migs has Turned Up

Like any good friend, my former freshman year suite mate Migs will occasionally write me an email.

Like any good serial killer these emails usually contain no pertinent details about his own life and only a middling interest in mine. Efforts to change this dynamic are met with standoffish behavior (e.g. he does not respond) so I just enjoy what I get. Here is a recent example
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--------------------------------------------------------------
From: Migs
To: xTian
Subject: You at the Jets Game this weekend in San Diego
Date: Jan 19, 2010



--------------------------------------------------------------
That's it, that's the entirety of the email. Not sure what to do and knowing a response from him was unlikely, I took the opportunity to have fun with his beaner ass.

--------------------------------------------------------------
From: xTian
To: Migs
Subject: You at the Jets Game this weekend in San Diego
Date: Jan 19, 2010

hater. You love the Jets.

How big is the Mark Sanchez poster hanging over your bed?
How big?!

Hope this email finds you well.

-xTian
--------------------------------------------------------------
I did some quick math, I am pretty sure this has been going on for 15 years now.

I distinctly remember him goofing on me as we sat there watching the fake spike game during the 94 season.
He was also there, laughing and pointing when Vinny went down on the first drive of the first game of the 1999 season, the season the Jets were prohibitive favorites to win the Superbowl after losing to the Broncos in the AFC Championship game the year before.
I am fairly certain I somehow heard from him when the Jets got run over by the Raiders in that 2003 playoff game. This may be the defining dynamic of our relationship.

Why is he showing up now? What is the significance of this and what bearing will it have on the outcome of Sunday's game? These questions need answering

Important Conversations: Incredibly Rewatchable Movies

Over the course of a conversation with Catjjy about something else, we drifted into a discussion about the new HBO show Boardwalk Empire, a show that highlights the involvement of Martin Scorsese. Catjjy used this as an opportunity to mention she had recently watched Goodfellas and that it still holds up very well.

I used this as an opportunity to drag Catjjy into a multiday conversation about movies that you can pretty much watch whenever they are on because they hold up so well. Poor Catjjy. Anyway, here is the list
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Goodfellas - I think because its a period piece that takes place in the 70s and early 80s its always looked a somewhat dated and therefore will always hold up. I dunno about you, but I always stumble onto this movie in one of two scenes. The single camera shot thru the kitchen of the Copa OR the scene where Ray Liotta narrates over the the bodies of all of DeNiro's co-conspirators in the Lufthansa heist. Both are worth sitting thru and you may as well sit through the scene where Joe Pesci gets whacked, because why the hell not? Am I right?

Heat - I am not sure why Michael Mann is responsible for some many impenetrably dull movies but he is responsible for the single most compelling heist scene ever. No matter what part of Heat I happen upon while flipping channels, I will stick with it right up until Tom Sizemore gets shot up with a 6 year old girl in his hands and only then consider bailing out.

Serenity - The movie no one demanded based on the TV show no one watched. I dragged L3 to see this with me when we lived together and 5 months later watched our roommate watch the movie over and over on HBO. FX always shows it and everytime I have watched someone watch this movie, they always start laughing hysterically and then immediately get shocked by a rather grisly death and basically stick with it till the end. For the life of me, I still don't know why a space cowboy action soap opera never worked on either the large or small screen.

Godfather - The first time I saw the Godfather was on TV and it was godfather part 2 and it was the last 5 minutes when Michael flashes back to his decision to leave Brown and enlist in the army. This was my first introduction to the Corleone family and somehow though it was the last scene of the second film it could have easily been the first scene of the first. This two movie set is awesome, no matter when you happen upon it.

The American President - Something about Aaron Sorkin dialogue is just awesome. This movie is sort of great and its neat to think that all the work that went into this movie eventually became the framework for The West Wing. I sort of like the minor imperfections of actors not being sure how to deliver Sorkin dialogue. Its also the last time I remember seeing my teenage crush Samantha Mathis in a movie. Btw, I think Charlie Wilson's War will make this list some day soon.

Rudy - For Serious, who is going to challenge me on this. If you did not cry the first time you saw them stack their jerseys on the coach's desk then you are not a man and don't know what fellowship is.

I had Training Day on this list but Catjjy disagreed wildly. I want to put Boogie Nights on this list but it never gets on regular cable (why?). I should point out now that no Star Wars movie (ever) is very re-watchable with the possible exception of Empire Strikes back. I recently watched The Inside Man again on TV and enjoyed that more than I thought I would the second time around. Sort of makes me wish that the 25th hour was on TV more.

Do any of you have a movie you think is imminently rewatchable?

Caption Contest - For Evil

Could you ask for more raw caption material? New Senator. Teen daughters. Clamshells!!

Have at it.

Evil's Ignorant Political Commentary

Evil

On the heels of the stunning upset in Massachusetts U.S. Senate election tonight, Evil would like to get you up to speed on the new world order...

* Martha Coakley - Buh-bye! Fate is fickle, isn't it? You could'a been a player. But now we'll never hear from you again.

* Scott Brown - Your biggest achievement wasn't overcoming the huge imbalance of Democrats to Republicans in Massachusetts. No. I'm shocked you were able to overcome the fact that everyone knows your entire manhood can be covered by just your wrist alone. (Thanks to Evil Twin #1 for that observation.)

* Harry Reid - Incumbent backlash! You're outtie.

* Chuck Schumer - Even as a native New Yorker, I find you to be a pretty big douche. Nevertheless, you'll be the Senate Majority Leader Douche after Nevada voters kick Harry Reid to the curb.

* Michael Steele - People don't give you enough credit for your genius. Maybe because you're bald and bald people still suffer from undue discrimination in this country. You engineered the statehouse wins in NJ and VA. And now the Senate win in MA.

* Newt Gingrich - You're too evil to ever be elected President, but I see a VP run for you in 2012. You'll be the Dick Cheney to Sarah Palin's GW Bush. Who can stop a Palin/Gingrich '12 ticket?

* President Obama - CMON DUDE! You need to get your groove back.

American Idol Is Back!

Evil

American Idol is back! I'm psyched for Season 8. I'm mostly psyched because that hottie Kara is back. I can't ever get tired of looking at her. Is it crazy that I get insanely jealous when she ogles some of the hot young male contestants? I get so jealous! I hope she's not banging any of time. I mean, it's one thing for that leathery old hag Paula Abdul to be preying on the desperate young guys will to do anything to break into show business, but not you too, Kara... not you too?

Things That Make Me Say, Good Gravy!

Evil

I don't know what the Wonderlic Test really is, but it's used by many NFL teams to test the intelligence of college players that they're thinking of drafting. I think we should use this test in evaluating potential new writers for The Hose staff.

Anyway, I just came across the Wonderlic score for New York Giants rookie sensation Hakeem Nicks (as reported here):

Hakeem Nicks of UNC wowed everyone with an 11. A score of 10 suggests a person is literate, so at least all of the receivers can read this, I hope.

Good Gravy!

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil

Don't count on me. I will only let you down.

Things I like

I can't sit through the whole Golden Globes. I am just glad the Glee kids won. Here is the second best part of the Golden Globes after that moment

Thing I Like

The kids at PS22 in Staten Island rock out!!!! Here they kill some Journey:



And versatile enough to add Empire State of Mind to the repetoire as well.



They have a bunch more on YouTube from Lady Gaga to Eye of the Tiger, so go kill some time.

Liveblogging: Your Sunday Divisional Round Open Threade

The early game More... features the Cowboys visiting the Vikings. The Vikings have lost several games in a row and the Cowboys look like world beaters. That probably means that the Vikings will win 75-14 and prove once and for all that neither my brother nor I have any idea what is going on.

In the late game, Darrelle Revis will shut down Vincent Jackson, Shonne Greene and Thomas Jones will combine for 200yds and 3 TDs and the game will fall to Mark Sanchez to make a huge play.

Once again, liveblogging in the comments section. Remember gang, less gay, more play!

This is for you, Catjjy!!!!!!

(The bears are a metaphor for a tough defense, like the Ravens')

No Love

Evil

How come there isn't any real-time blogging for the Colts-Ravens game? No love for Peyton Manning and the Colts? Sheeeeeeeeee-it!

Any real time blogging planned for the Jets romp over the Chargers tomorrow?

Gato-Gram: Separation Anxiety, Part 2

Evil

Finally got around to telling the temp roommate that we won't be roommates for much longer. Poor guy took it pretty hard. He kept saying, "I don't want to go to the wok! Anything but the wok!"

Things That Make Me Say Good Gravy!!!

Proving once again why the Wall Street Journal has my favorite sports section, today they report an analysis of what the coverage of a 3+ hour football game is. That is, how much are commercials, crowd shots, replays, reviews, cheerleaders etc. The real surprise for me, however - my GOOD GRAVY moment, was the amount of time players are actually playing. All told, there are about 11 minutes of action in an NFL game. GOOD GRAVY!!!! That's it?!?! Yup.

Consider most players only play on one side of the ball (and even then rarely every snap on offense or defense). All told, if a player stays healthy for 16 weeks, they might be active for just shy of 90 minutes all season. GOOD GRAVY!!!!!

I know it's not apples to apples, but this is about as much action as a rugby player would have in a single game (80 minutes).

I'm usually pretty defensive and dismissive of my English and Australian colleagues when they say American football is just guys standing around, but I guess this puts it in a new light.

Anyway. J - E -T - S jets jets jets

Conan O'Brien Conspiracy

I have a soft spot in my heart for Conan O’Brien and wish him well, but I’ve never bothered to watch him as host of the Tonight Show. Apparently, that describes a lot of other people as well. Last night Catjjy and I spent some time catching up on the controversy. We read Conan’s letter and tuned in to nbc.com and Hulu to watch his show. Before long, I had a deep and resounding desire to see Conan win this battle, so I could watch him host the Tonight Show for years to come.

And then it hit me: could this actually be a FAKE FIGHT, designed to secure Conan’s spot in America’s heart, and solve a few other pesky problems for NBC to boot? I won’t call it a conspiracy theory. I don’t believe in conspiracies. Let’s just call it a brilliant marketing ploy.

Consider the evidence:

More...

1. It’s working great. I bet when the numbers come out, this week’s ratings will be the highest for the Show in years. People who haven’t seen an episode of the Tonight Show since they were kids are showering support for Conan on Facebook and other places, imploring NBC to keep him on a show they never watched in the first place.

2. Both Conan and the Show really, really needed a marketing gimmick. Until last week, nobody even cared that Conan had taken over, which is just about the worst fate the Show could suffer.

3. A surprising number of people seem to feel free to jump in. The dude who plays Kenneth on 30 Rock showed up two nights ago for a pro-Conan, anti-NBC skit. He’s a young actor who is two years into a bit part that is the only paying acting job he has ever had. And he’s on TV goofing on his employer? Without a green light from somebody upstairs? Seems unlikely.

4. The brouhaha allows Jay Leno to swoop in and save the day, restoring his reputation and allowing him to gracefully bow out of his show, which wasn’t the success he had hoped it would be. Here’s what will happen: the boneheads at NBC will move Jay to 11:30. Jay will say “ENOUGH! I will NOT be a part of your attempt to destroy this franchise!! I’m closing down my show so that the Tonight Show can stay at 11:30 where it belongs, with Conan as host.”

In the end, Jay Leno avoids the humiliation of getting canceled and gets sainted for saving the Tonight Show. Conan gets a huge shot in the arm for a show that really needs it. NBC network executives look foolish…all the way to the bank. Everyone is happy.

If this is a ploy, it is an incredibly audacious one. My hat goes off to the executive that had the grapes to give it a try.

The Hosecast: Episode 17 The Bump explains football to xTian

Every dog has his day - The Bump shows up to get xTian ready for the divisional round of football. Topics include : how big a d**che is Brett Favre anyway, Kurt Warner and his brilliant game, the meanness of Ray Lewis and the what Jets need to do to beat the Chargers.

Watch them disagree on every pick and leave confusion in their wake here.

Left In A Hurry, Eh?

Evil

Hey Manolo, did you forget a little something at this lady's house?

Alarming Anecdote of the Day

Last night I had dinner with a friend from Indiana. He's in town attending some sort of finance event where people like Carl Icahn talk all day as out-of-towners in the audience pretend to take notes while nursing their hangover with annoyingly small plastic juice cups. You know the drill.

Anyway, I went to dinner with him and a couple of fund managing kind of guys. I normally wouldn't expect much from these guys, but they both turned out to be very cool. We even had some friends in common. They seemed like normal, everyday, rational people. Both had kids and wives. Talked about sports with ease. Nothing odd here.

But then the most rational of them dropped this when the topic turned to the economy....

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He lives in a small town south of DC. His in-laws have a cabin on the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Following the meltdown last year, the first thing he did was buy a bunch of gold coins, and handgun, and some ammunition. Then, he went to the local airport where small private jets come and go and found a pilot+plane to fly his family out as soon as the world starts to end. So now he's got this standing arrangement. Pile of gold = get my family to the Upper Peninsula.

That freaked me out a bit, particularly since he's a really normal guy.

Anyone else out there have an end of days survival plan? I don't.

Gato-Gram, Volume 2

Evil

In today's edition of the Gato-Gram, the temp roommate gets his cuddles on with a lovely 22 year old from Shanghai... while Evil is once again left. out. in. the. cold!!! Evil never catches a break.

Pictoral Analogy

Evil

Jay Leno... Brett Favre... both mega-douches of the highest order.

Question of the Day

Why do we bless people when they sneeze, but not when they cough?

I got caught in an awkward situation today when a co-worker made a noise, but it sounded like a cough/sneeze hybrid. Like a Griffin of head noises. A snough, I guess. Anyway, I didn't know how to react. Do I bless her or don't I. I didn't, but I'm still not sure it was the right call.

If we just blessed both coughs and sneezes my life would have been a lot easier today.

(not that it was a hard day. I am aware many many people had a much much worse day, for which I already donated to Oxfam to do my small part, thus making this rant about my tough day okay)

The Hose Editiorial - I'm with Coco

Free Conan!

(and the m*st*rb*t*ng bear!)

Gato-Gram, Volume 1

Evil

By popular demand!!! Here's today's installment of Gato-Gram.

Old Me vs. New Me

Tonight I got home at 7:30. By 7:35 I was in my pajamas. 3 years ago this would have been unthinkable. I can think of only 1 person to blame/credit with my new lifestyle.

When KillerB2 and I first started living togegether, I was a wearing clothes around the house kinda guy. I only put my PJs on just before bed. She, on the other hand, was a GET ME OUT OF THESE CLOTHES kinda girl. I thought that was weird. It felt like surrender - like ending the day 4 hours early.

I'm here 3 years later to say she was right, especially this time of year. Here I sit, in my PJ pants, a t-shirt, and a blue cardigan sweater with buttons on the wrong side - comfy as could be.

I'd like to hear from the Hose crowd - especially the East Coasters dealing with the dark and the cold. Is there something therapeutic about about getting into your jammies as soon as you get home? Or are KillerB2 and I just sad?

The Hosecast: Episode 16 Evil Returns

Evil! (Part 1 of 2). Evil drops in to discuss the year that was and the year that will be on the Hose. He also gives fans an inside look at how the Hose is put together. Finally, xTian gives Evil a Date or Die update...

Listen to the whole discussion here.

WE DID IT!

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!


It's a official! The Hose Official Superbowl Party is moving to my house!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a doctor's appointment to discuss my rapidly developing sleep disorder

Separation Anxiety

Evil

My time in China is quickly coming to an end. I just booked my plane ticket... returning to NYC on Feb 1st. This has made me realize that once I leave here, I'll be without my temp roommate. So sad! It's giving me separation anxiety.

Let's Get It On!

Evil

This is the sad state of Evil's life: Instead of going out there and getting some play, I hide in my apartment thinking about how in theory I could get some play. I've recently been thinking about this aspect in particular:

How much effort does a guy need to exert to get a girl to sleep with him, with the independent variable being the # of sexual partners the girl has had, i.e., are more "experienced" women harder or easier to get in the sack?

So on a chart: the X-Axis would be the "girl's # of sexual partners" and the Y-Axis would be "amount of effort required".

Four Gentlemen Hosers weighed in with their theories; their charts are attached. I've not revealed the identities of these Gentlemen Hosers, but if any of them want to identify themselves and/or weigh in with additional commentary in the comments section, please feel free!

Thanks to all who weighed in! Your input is greatly appreciated by the scientific community!

Big News Day!!!

Wow, I went to an hour-long meeting, and come back to my desk to find that:
1) Mark McGwire admits to cheating, lying, and ruining a great sport
2) Sarah Palin gets a multi-year contract with Fox News. 24+ months of her political commentary and analysis! Score!!!
3) You (I) can finally buy a sex robot that focuses on appealing to the mind. Finally. I'm tired of all those sex robots that don't appeal to my mind.

Cooking With KillerB - Product Endorsement Edition

This weekend while I was out liveblogging with Xtian, Beerock, Turdhurdler and Mr. Shoulders, KillerB2 was out shopping for the greatest kitchen device I'd never heard of.

More...
Oil and Vinegar misters. These things are amazing! They are pump activated, and deliver a very fine mist of oil and vinegar - almost like aerosol.

I've always found drizzling Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar to be hugely unpredictable and inefficient. Never again!!!! Already I've misted asparagus, salad, and popcorn. I can't wait to get home and mist something else.



Here is a demo by a couple annoying girls - we didn't buy these pre-filled ones - we bought ones you fill yourself - but you get the gist...

Cat Photo Of The Day

Evil

When a person starts to post pet photos without so much as a few lines of witty commentary, you know they've stopped trying. Someone stage an intervention!

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy (Or Girl)

Blind-sided by life... that's me.

Strange Habits

Evil

Been watching The Wire on DVD. Just finished season 4 (DVD #20 out of 24). After such intense immersion in The Wire, I've found myself developing some strange habits.

For one, I now have this involuntary reflex where I always say, "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" (a la State Senator Clay Davis).

Also, when the temp roommate does something wack, like try to drink my vodka-tonic that I've temporary set on the coffee table, I shoo him away and then call him an "off-brand feline!" (a la the west side hoppers who call the east side hoppers a bunch of "off-brand niggas").

D-Bag of the Week: Jay Leno

Rational people like Sparks will probably complain that I am being unfair to Jay and that some soulless network executive is probably to blame for all this but I say no. Soulless network executives are by definition soulless and likely cannot tell right from wrong so I blame. Jay. F U , Jay!

More...



Conan and his good friend, the Masturbating Bear, in happier times

More Pitch Meeting

I have been doing a lot (3 or 4 episodes shorter than 5mins) of webisode watching, hoping to understand a few things:
(1) Who the F cares?
(2) How do you measure success?
(3) What works and what doesn't?

And then I came across this, which initially seemed tangential and later appeared to be another article on not much, something Vanity Fair excels at. I mean all these chicks have twitter followers but what gives? What's with the flirty trenchcoats? amiright?
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I recognized Felicia Day from my minor obsession with Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog a year or so ago so I did some research. Apparently, this article was disappointing to all involved and rather than just move on (and more than likely because the Sunday football games were boring) I looked into what she was complaining about.

To net it out, I don't have much to report, This woman seems to earn a living as a working web series actress. Having said that, I still don't understand how, or the answers to any of my original questions. Still, I found this catchy and highly entertaining



You can actually buy this on iTunes...

Halftime Fun

For all the live bloggers out there.

Live Blogging - The Hose Official Wild Card Weekend Open Thread

Game 1 - Jets at Cincinnati aka The Santa Margarita Catholic High School Alumni Bowl featuring two of its most famous Alums - Carson Palmer and "The Sanchize" Mark Sanchez.

Game 2 - Philly at Dallas in the "Who will earn the right to run the table and lose to an AFC team in the Superbowl" Bowl.


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The Jets are threatening to run 70% of the time and the Bengals are threatening to put a tenth man in the box to stuff the run. You know what that means? The Jets should roll Sanchez out and have him throw slants the first three drives and give him the option to take off if he can find the edge. I am not even remotely kidding. Sanchez can complete 3 throws - The wide receiver screen, over the top to Braylon and slants. So I am declaring today -Slant City and will change Sanchez's nickname from "The Sanchize" to "Manchez" if this works!

Did you know - The Jets average more point per games than the Bengals. What does that mean? Probably not much. No takeaways here....

Lots of storylines in the late game - Can McNabb find Jackson down field? Can the center block anyone on the Cowboys line? Will Romo implode? Will the Eagles actually try to blitz someone? It's been three weeks since Felix Jones has pulled a hamstring so will he pull two tonight?

Did you know - The Eagles have not scored a point since their starting Center went down in the second quarter of their Week 16 game against the Broncos. The Take Away - Centers matter.


New ground rules for the Live Blogging. Let's stick all thoughts in the comments section of this post. That will allow us to do this from your favorite smartphone.

Job I Didn't Know Existed

There has been a lot of talk in the news lately of this double agent who blew himself up in the presence of a CIA team. Terrible story.

Then, last night, there was an episode of The Office which featured a scene at the end where Dwight and the Nard Dog claim to be double agents. At which point I expected Michael to claim to be a triple agent, because that would be ridiculous. But he didn't. He also went with double agent (dropped the ball there Office writers).

Turns out it isn't so ridiculous. There are triple agents! From the most trusted source, Wikipedia: "A triple agent pretends to be a double agent for the target organization, but in fact is working for the controlling organization all along. Usually, they keep the trust of the target organization by feeding information to them that apparently is very important but is in fact misleading or useless."

I'm not sure how this is all that different than being an "agent" though. Seems like the double is offset by the triple, thus making it a single. Right? So I was really gobsmacked when I learned that there are quadruple agents too!!!!! That would be one tricky job.

Things That Make Me Say Good Gravy

Sitting here at home, wondering where KillerB2 is, watching Bristol Bay Brawl - basically The Most Dangerous Catch 2.0.

So these guys are fishing for herring, so they can sell the roe to Asian markets. Cool. They drive around the Bay, drop nets, haul fish, cuss, swear, etc.

After they've caught a bunch of fish, they haul it to a processing boat. When they do they get the weight, and value of their catch. Exciting!!!!

So this dude just rolled the dice, got a huge catch. 20 tons of herring. Good Gravy. He's gonna be rich. Sooooooo rich.

Value of 40,000 pounds of herring. $2500. Good Gravy!!!!! Mental note: keep up the high flying marketing, because herring fishing is the ass-end of money making.

28 Hours of Football Pregaming

The Hose Official Wild Card Game Viewing Party is kicking off tomorrow at an undisclosed location in the East Village!!! Come bear witness to xTian slitting his wrists around 7:15 Eastern!

Prize for whoever can name all the coaches in this video!

Btw, Parcells + autotune = genius!

xTian's Pitch Meeting

Prior to Thanksgiving, I was in LA for a friend’s engagement/wedding reception thingamabobber. At this event, I met several people who seemed to be planning to produce or had recently starred in some sort of web series or guest stared on webisodes of a web series. I found this fascinating. Mostly because it sounded like code for "I'm an unemployed actor" but whatever...

The storytelling approach has to be completely different because you sort of have to tell a small story in a shortened format. Even in a situation where you have some sort of cliffhanger you have to introduce characters and a scenario in a compressed time frame. I have spent a lot of time, thinking about strange things so I spent some time wondering what sort of concepts would lend them selves to webisodes.

Here are a few:
More...Push & Kick
I met a guy recently who lived somewhere in Brooklyn, not terrible close to a subway. So whenever he went anywhere he would bring along a collapsible foot scooter so that he could ride more quickly to the subway. Since he thought it ok to lug it into a restaurant where we were having dinner with mutual friends, I thought it was ok to ask him if he brought this on dates etc. He admitted he did and that at times people had found it off putting. Of course, this started percolating in my head – doesn’t this work as a broader metaphor for the isolation brought about our modern usage of technology? Wouldn’t it be sort of fascinating to watch this guy get turned down on dates, possibly knock small children over and alienate his friends and family in several situations –each in its own webisode? Then this could also be elements of a longer narrative. Each webisode taking our hero deeper into the dumps till he bottoms out (extremely isolated) and then he can redeem himself by doing something truly heroic and it ends with him basically reigniting a foot scooter craze. We could also use a Segue I guess, but only if they come through with promotional considerations

Summer BreezeI also think Mr. Shoulder’s life deserves its own webseries. I will let your mind run wild with the possibilities. I had an idea 5 years ago when Mr. Shoulders was hitting the Jersey Shore and Vegas with voracious frequency. Of course, MTV sort of swiped that idea and now we have to deal with “The Situation” and Snooki, even though I had the idea first. Still, the life and loves of Mr. Shoulders sounds compelling...much more so than Cat Fancy staring Evil.

Mid-Teen Afternoon Social
This one was actually devised in conjunction with another Hoser, who can choose to reveal himself if he likes. I recently have been reading a lot of about how today’s teens have a far different value system than we did growing up and now kids are running trains, giving BJs left and right and generally running amuck. The more I thought about this, the more I thought movies like Super Bad are actually a little innocent and a reflection of an earlier more innocent time. Imagine if instead of trying to have sex or make out our whatever our teen heroes were trying to talk various women into basket jobs and rainbow parties or ass play (as a first sexual experience). Every mini episode could be their attempt to get their party together could be wrought with hilarious little failures and them trying to use current porn dialogue to get women to react. I am not sure how it would actually end. Maybe they will learn something. Maybe someone will try to trick them into having unprotected assplay. I have not really decided.

Anyway, I consider all three of these ideas as valid as most of the episodic web shorts I have seen online.

Things I Do For Evil

After seeing Evil's early struggles in growing a Manuary beard, I decided to do something about it. Since I'm not a genetic scientist, I couldn't do anything about his lack of a beard, so I did the next best thing: I grew one for him. Here ya go pal.

Unfortunately I have a meeting tomorrow, so 12 hours from now this will be gone. If you like I can collect the shavings and send them your way. Let me know.

I doubt your #1 BFF did anything as thoughtful.

Congratulations Hawk!!!!!!!!

You're one of the best of all time. Next up, Shawon Dunston!!!!!!

Date or Die: I don't know you that well now please help me with my bra

I went on a second date this past Saturday. Though not very into the woman, I thought it was pretty important to not leave this world never seeing a redhead naked. We had a fairly successful conversation though I found her indecisiveness about her academic pursuits somewhat annoying.

We stepped out to find a bar for a nightcap. The January air whipped us in the face so fast that we ducked into the first bar we could find, not the bar I was suggesting and one that turned out to be very overcrowded. Not wanting to stay, I suggested we return to her apartment. She stared at me, somewhat shocked about my directness. In the cab she jumped me. On the elevator going up to her apartment she suddenly hesitated admitting she was unsure given that she had to this point spent 3 hours with me. 15 minutes later I was helping her out of her clothes. 1 hour later she again discussed her hesitancy though by that time the point was moot. 2 minutes later I mocked her faux-indecisiveness. 5 minutes later she helped me find my socks after suggesting I leave. 10 minutes after that, as I walked to the subway, she phoned me and asked if I wanted to come back up. 45 minutes later, I was home, alone and reasonably happy to be going to sleep before 2am.

The redhead thing turned out to be a minor disappointment overall. Just in case, anyone out there was as intrigued as I was on the topic.

Annoyance of the day: Bellyaching about terrorists

All this heated agitation about the failure of the government to protect us from terrorists on airplanes is annoying. Is anyone else pretty relieved by what has been revealed in the past couple of airline terrorist attack attempts? Consider the following examples:

Case 1: A well funded, well trained organization spends a full year planning every last detail of an attack. They find a non-Arab attacker, and successfully get him a US travel visa. Everything goes right for them at the airport, and the guy gets on the plane. What’s the problem? He could only sneak enough explosive onto the airplane to incinerate his own junk. The airplane and the passengers were never in danger.

Case 2: A pretty active splinter group spends all sorts of time devising a bomb that fits inside a shoe. The guy makes it onto the airplane with it, but cannot detonate the device before being restrained. However, nearly every expert agrees that such a device was nowhere near large enough to disable a commercial jetliner. Again, the worst he could have done is perhaps hurt a few of the people around him, and you will never stop people from being able to do that.

Do I wish our intelligence officers had picked these guys up earlier? Of course. Would I be happy sitting next to the idiot that just melted his testicles or blew his damn foot off? Of course not. But I’m also pretty excited that the worst either of these organizations could have done, even if their plans had been executed flawlessly, would be to cause some non-fatal commotion.

I feel better about airline safety than I did before these “attacks.” Stop yo’ bellyachin’!